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haven't read the script, but i love robert johnson. an old friend slid me a cd several years back and i fell in love with his scratchy, raspy, crackly blues sound. for this reason, bert, i must give your write a read.
the stuff you are knocking in the next sentence or two is the voice haha. I know what you mean, though, and I do push things sometimes -- even on purpose. Just to drive Jeff nuts, mostly, but this site is a great testing ground for things that work and things that don't.
LOL!
And that's why I haven't commented here, Bert. I opened this up as soon as I saw it posted, and immediately saw those opening lines...
I actually started a post, saying, "OMG...what is the world coming to? Now even Bert is writing in that smartass style."
I deleted it and decided to keep my mouth shut.
Glad you're getting lots of good feedback. You deserve it, bro!
Read this one this morning. I love your writing. The tone, feel and story telling reminds me of my absolute favorite writer, Stephen King. I think you should give novels a shot. Seriously!
I liked the story and don't really have anything to add or suggest. The writing is visual in the novel sense, but not in a film sense, IMHO. If you know what I mean.
The opening line was great and reminded me of my daughter and her husband driving to New Orleans recently. They trusted their GPS 100% and ended up in the lower 9th ward!
Just from the opening I could tell this was nicely written. Reading further, it was confirmed.
Always been a fan of the blues myself -- Stevie Ray was my man. And of course I'm aware of Robert Johnson and his story. This was a great take on it. Everything explainable, nothing too heavy or too complicated. But what made this for me were the striking visuals and the color of your characters. I could hear the innocence of Jean, the worn tone of the Dealer, and the torture of Johnson laying in that bed, then performing his swan song. It all just seemed so alive to me.
The only thing I had an issue with was how Jean's face appeared over Robert Johnson's in that picture on the wall. I think Jean should've had his very own picture. Another unique young blues man who made his mark, now forever immortalized.
It's interesting to see how good writers write. Kinda all looks the same, save for a few technical differences. But the FEEL is just different.
Your voice made this a fun read for me. Kinda felt like an old Twilight Zone episode.
Thanks for looking, you guys. Apologies that I could not step back in until today.
Quoted from Reef Dreamer
...but on reflection feel this could have been shorter. Was the scene with the young girl needed?
Thanks for looking, Reef, and I am actually inclined to agree with you there. Thing is, I really wanted to include the final bit of dialogue from Gaston -- bringing the whole Mighty Fire thing full circle in a way -- and he needed somebody to speak with. Sabine seemed as good a choice as any.
Quoted from Reef Dreamer
I also liked the aspiration of the young man to be on the wall, which turns out to be a curse - if that's how you meant it to play out.
Yes, that is exactly how it was supposed to work, but (I think) you are the first to mention it, so thanks for letting me know it is not invisible.
Quoted from Reef Dreamer
In terms of Jean...I wonder whether you could set him up beforehand, so we know him as he walks through the door?
Less sure of that and how it might be done without adding undue length. Something to think on, I guess.
Quoted from Reef Dreamer
To be honest I'm a simple reader so I like clarity.
I agree with this, too. This story frustrated me by shooting off in directions that even I could not fully explain (see the earlier WTF post if you like), but I continue to think on it, and the current ending may not yet be its final form.
...haven't read the script, but i love robert johnson. an old friend slid me a cd several years back and i fell in love with his scratchy, raspy, crackly blues sound. for this reason, bert, i must give your write a read.
Well, it was written for Blues fans, so I wondered how it might be received by the average reader who could give two flips about such things. At any rate, it sounds like you are among its intended audience, so any thoughts would be appreciated, thanks.
Quoted from Dreamscale
I actually started a post...I deleted it and decided to keep my mouth shut.
Haha..I wondered if you would spot your small name-check in my earlier post. I think the one thing we agree on is that we will never agree. Perhaps one day you will join us on the dark side.
I would contend, however, that the opening line sets the tone right out of the gate, with only two sentences. If you do check back in, I would love to know just what it is that you find so intolerable there? Not to open a big can-o-worms argument, but just to collect your thoughts.
Quoted from Silverback
The crossroads at 49 & 61. Creepy.
I know, right? How could you not want to compose a story around such things?
Thanks for the King name-check. I love those, even though I would be the first to admit that I am miles off from that. I daydream about novels, but really doubt I would have the patience for such an undertaking.
The opening line was great and reminded me of my daughter and her husband driving to New Orleans recently. They trusted their GPS 100% and ended up in the lower 9th ward!
Ha! As much as I love the city -- and have been there many times -- there are a few sections where you simply do not go.
The only thing I had an issue with was how Jean's face appeared over Robert Johnson's in that picture on the wall. I think Jean should've had his very own picture. Another unique young blues man who made his mark, now forever immortalized.
As discussed in the WTF post earlier, that WAS the original ending. But it just seemed too straightforward, in a way -- and then the ending just evolved into something that was maybe too weird but still felt right, if that makes any sense.
Like I told Reef above, I continue to think on it, and the current ending may not yet be its final form.
It's interesting...Kinda all looks the same, save for a few technical differences. But the FEEL is just different.
Thanks. If nothing else, I at least go for that. Be wary of those who advise you to completely extract all personality from your writing. It is a fine line to "sterile," if you know what I mean. I will always contend that "most" readers of scripts appreciate touches that help to set an author apart. Not everyone agrees, but make your own choices.
And thanks to all who have looked, whether you have posted comments or not. As before, please drop me a PM if I can return the favor!
I love the artwork in the thread, that's pretty sweet! Is it yours?
I'm glad I read stories like this because it serves as a reminder to that STORY comes first. I've read many scripts that seem like a half-court shot, but this was a slam dunk. Great job!
A way with words, threw me into a place I've never been. I enjoyed Papa Legba's dialogue throughout, especially "Mr. Long Time". When Jean listened to Mighty Fire, it was extraordinary.
The ending was fantastic. What I find so damn interesting about these kind of "crossroads" stories is the amount of sacrifice they are willing to endure for a single note that sustains for an eternity. It embraces humanity and how deep we dive to fill an abysmal hole.
I do have an issue, which is I felt Jean's guitar deserved to be a character. I pictured it as a tattooed child in a sense, but wanted to feel the stakes there.
Bert. Good writing, for sure. Though it's not an innovative allegory, it does well for what it is. Cool beans, Bert. I was hearing Charlie Daniels' 'Devil Went Down To Georgia' as I read this one.
I haven't looked at previous comments so sorry for any repeat questions/points.
Pretty vague opening slug and interesting first sentence, I wonder what some will make of it? (cough, Jeff)
I really liked the banter between Jean and the Dealer. They played off each other well and the dialect was great too.
Not being a Blues music fan I had to Google Robert Johnson. The ending did confuse me slightly but intrigue just as much too. I really enjoyed this despite my lack of background knowledge.
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I love the artwork in the thread, that's pretty sweet! Is it yours?
No, just something I cribbed from somewhere a few months back, but I dug it right away. I should probably track down the artist name and give credit on the post. Thanks for the thought.
What I find so damn interesting about these kind of "crossroads" stories is the amount of sacrifice they are willing to endure for a single note that sustains for an eternity. It embraces humanity and how deep we dive to fill an abysmal hole.
That is as good a summation as I think I've ever read, and I agree. It is a universally relatable theme that carries a lot of power. I think most cultures have something that is at least analogous to a "crossroads" story -- and many have the exact same story.
...I felt Jean's guitar deserved to be a character.
Haha...what a crazy thought! The guitar was "supposed" to be his soul, kind of, with the exception of that final trade-off. Your idea is worth thinking about, though I have no immediate ideas about how to pull it off.
Good writing, for sure. Though it's not an innovative allegory, it does well for what it is. I was hearing Charlie Daniels' 'Devil Went Down To Georgia' as I read this one.
Yeah, it is hard to put a fresh spin on a folk tale that has endured for generations, but I have always been drawn to the story. Interesting take on the music, though I do have my own thoughts. Shelton once embedded actual YouTube links to music in one of his stories -- and I really fought hard against the impulse to do the same -- as nearly everyone panned the idea at the time as taking liberties a bit too far.
If anyone is interested, however, "Me and the Devil Blues" would certainly have been included, particularly the plaintive wailing of those "oooo" parts:
Pretty vague opening slug and interesting first sentence, I wonder what some will make of it? (cough, Jeff)
Haha…you know the boards too well! Jeff has already weighed in with his dissatisfaction.
Like many big cities, New Orleans has many different personalities, depending on where you go. A weakness (or strength -- I am not yet decided) of this script is that it asks a bit of the reader in terms of prior knowledge. Among other things, it "assumes" you know New Orleans.
Those first two sentences would be kind of like an opening slug reading, "London" followed by, "We are not talking about Westminster. This is Brixton." And hopefully, that would be all the reader (or director) really needs to know.
Not being a Blues music fan I had to Google Robert Johnson. I really enjoyed this despite my lack of background knowledge.
Thanks for saying you looked him up! The story is kind of supposed to encourage the reader to take a peek at the man if they do not know him already. And if they do, that means the script was at least a small success.
Appreciate the thoughts, guys. Thanks for taking a moment to drop some comments. It is always appreciated.
enjoyed reading this -- great blend of fact and fiction. Thought you managed to capture the spirit of the music through the writing -- not an easy thing to do.
Perhaps a little ambiguous towards the end -- though not distractingly so -- and I like how everyone gets what they wanted -- albeit at a price.
Steve.
My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:
I read the script and then the comments. I echo what most have said here, that was a brilliant and enjoyable read. Although I'm not familiar with the legends you are referencing, that part of the world nor do I have more than a basic appreciation of blues; it didn’t matter, I understood enough for the story to work and work well it did.
I did have to read the ending about three times before I formed an opinion as to what happened but I realise you’ve left it open to interpretation and I love that.
I can’t praise this enough, it was a joy to read.
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I don't think I've read anything by you. Here are a couple thoughts as I go.
Pg. 3 You go from a slug of, INT. DOMINO SOUNDS - DAY, to what looks like a mini slug of, A RECORD CASE, then back to, INT. DOMINO SOUNDS - DAY. This was confusing for me and took me out of the read. The record case should be a prop, not a slug line.
Pg. 6 Same thing as page 3 with the mini slug of, A GLASS OF WHISKEY. It should go after the slug of, JEAN'S APARTMENT.
Pg. 6 "The case empty, splayed open. Gutted. Souless." This is a little too novelistic for my taste. I'd drop, Gutted, or Souless. Also, "Souless" is spelled "Soulless".
Pg. 7 "AT THE PHONOGRAPH", isn't a time. There should be some sort of time indication at the end of the slug.
Pg. 7 "And though we watch in silence..." Is this scene supposed to be MOS also?
Pg. 9 Some of the dialogue is stilted. Unnatural.
A nice tale of a man's deal with the devil. There's nothing too new here, but this could easily be an episode of the Twilight Zone.
The ending is a little confusing but I guess that leaves it open to interpretation. I see it as men who accept the Devil's offer are remembered as one of the greatest blues players.
Haha..I wondered if you would spot your small name-check in my earlier post. I think the one thing we agree on is that we will never agree. Perhaps one day you will join us on the dark side.
I would contend, however, that the opening line sets the tone right out of the gate, with only two sentences. If you do check back in, I would love to know just what it is that you find so intolerable there? Not to open a big can-o-worms argument, but just to collect your thoughts.
Bert, of course this is not meant to open any can or worms, but I will reply to your question...and i have stayed up on the feedback and see my name popping up here and there.
Here are my thoughts on the opening Slug and the passages that accompany it.
"EXT. NEW ORLEANS - DAY" - First of all, unless it's speciified somewhere soon after, it will be difficult to "know" this is taking place in New Orleans. New Orleans is a rather big city, so using a Slug that doesn't give any detail, is an issue, IMO.
"We ain’t talking about the Quarter now. This here is the Seventh Ward." - So, here's my main issue with how this begins - You're definitely throwing in voice and color and I can easily see why some will enjoy this, but the reality is that you're doing it at the expense of 2 lines of prose and an extra blank line, or in total, 3 unnecessary lines right out of the gate. These 2 lines "tell" us what you chose not not to "show" us in your opening Slug.
Your next 3 line passage further illustrates what's wrong with the opening Slug, by "telling" us that Jean is actually walking along "the sidewalks of Lapeyrouse Street". So, your opening Slug could have (should have?) been some deviation of "NEW ORLEANS - SEVENTH WARD - LAPEYROUSE STREET". Now, I'd most likely use a SUPER for the New Orleans and Seventh Ward parts, but then again, do we really need to know anything about it being the Seventh Ward? I know you've mentioned a few times about that an understanding of several things/people/area/etc. will help, but IMO, you shouldn't do that or expect that.
Finally, your last pasage under this initial Slug - "His long legs stride with purpose -- a man who knows where he is headed." again shows you telling us something, or basically, an unfilmable about where he's headed or how he's headed there.
You've used 7 lines of prose and an additional 2 blank lines to intro Jean and "show" him walking. This easily could have been done with a total of 3 or 4 lines, max, because in all those 9 lines, you didn't really show us much of anything - it's all tone in the way you said it.
So, again, I do understand why you did this and why many seem to love it, but for me, it doesn't work, as I read and see in my head exactly what would be filmed, based on the actual writing, and it's alot of wasted lines.
And, BTW, I don't think we disagree on everything or even all that much.