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Planes of Existence by Bill Sarre (Reef Dreamer) - Short, Rom Com - To win the girl he fancies, a young physicist must first come to terms with an alternative sense of reality. 3 pages - pdf, format
Hey Bill, thought I'd repay the favour and read your latest.
First off reading your script prompted me to take a look at:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Plane_(esotericism) In esoteric cosmology, a plane other than the physical plane is conceived as a subtle state of consciousness that transcends the known physical universe. Okay, that's pretty clear but it's going to take a while for me to read about seven planes of existence - I think I'll stop right there for now.
Okay, in your story are the three 'ghosts' indicative of past, present, future?
I really like this concept and combining it with the genre of romantic comedy is a solid idea for the story but I did get lost a few times.
The main problem I had was with the third entity cause at times I couldn't work out where the third entity went, or what they were doing. Felt like a third wheel.
Reading on, of the three Sarah's one walked off but the other two remained?
And then: The faded Sarah checks out some clothes, until it also splits in two. One turns away, the other picks up a jacket.
Okay, there's two at any given time? But then they can also split off?
Why does the WOMAN when Jake collides with one of her alters (ghosts) jump with shock. Okay I get it - she just reacted to Jake yelling, right? Along these lines are these three entities all aware of one another? They appear to be to some and yet not to others.
MAN, 65 seems to recognize his - or is this cause he's intoxicated?
Speaking of which I loved MAN, 65 and think you could do more with him - the humourous elements there were terrific (as was the physical comedy with Jake at the start - a little cliched, but it still works). Perhaps bookend MAN - he could appear in the library at the top and then further on. I think that could add another element and be funny if he is observing Jake the whole way through.
On a technical note I'm all for asides/tells, don't mind them at all, but a couple of yours I didn't think actually added to the read. You telling us 'she likes him' for example - is a bit redundant. The description of the way Sarah looks at Jake should really accomplish that.
Also: Couldn't Jake just: 'gets up, follows her' instead of 'decides to follow her'.
And this line: 'To leave she has to walk past Jake. As she does, Sarah maintains eye contact and casts him a friendly smile.
Seems like a blatant 'tell.' I'd start that line with 'Sarah maintains eye contact... and then: (she walks past him and towards the exit/door). She could then turn, look back, give him another (cheeky) glance or smile - then we'll definitely know she likes him without being told.
Jake stares until - reflected in the window - he sees two faded versions of him. One either side. Slowly, he raises a hand, waves to himself. Neither waves back. I think: 'faded versions of himself' here, or faded versions of his own body - and: 'he raises a hand, waves.' to counteract doubling up on 'himself' - hope that makes sense.
TYPO: spilt up - split on p. 3
Sorry, I'm being a bit nitpickety here.
I actually enjoyed this script more than my critique might at first appear.
I do think it needs just a bit more clarity in the actual writing.
Great idea.
P.S. Curious. What was the 3 page challenge for? A comp?
Much appreciate the read. Indeed, i have made a few minor changes and altered the typo. Thanks.
For some strange reason i love page limited challenges. My usual sin is cramming in too much and then tormenting myself as to how to make it fit. Hey ho, must scratch some itch of mine...wont go there.
I know the following question will pop up...why don't you just write a longer script now its not in the comp? Good question, don't know. Just like trying to challenge myself plus its a good discipline to write lean and focus on whats needed and whats not. Well, thats my excuse
I also appreciate there are a few liberties taken in terms of how this should be formatted. If i had five pages no doubt this would be a five pager and a bit more conventional.
You are right that the versions are meant to loosely translate to the future and past, but also how we have options and choices and that 'other' versions could go in different directions. I originally had this idea for the last OWC but couldn't get it to tie into the criteria. Instead i thought it would suit the rom com better, but the distorting affect could also be suitable for a psychological horror.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
The things that irked me - not even that, but I kind of feel that there should be some conversation between them before he falls. Or some kind of mutual interest that we must know of - like they pick up the same book or something, something more than just glances.
And I didn't like her say "Head injuries can be serious". I think she should be either overly geeky and say something very clever, or something simple like the rest of us, normal people would say in this situation.
That's all. Very nice I think. What 3 page challenge by the way. I havevn't heard of it. Not that I have anything for it...
And I didn't like her say "Head injuries can be serious". I think she should be either overly geeky and say something very clever, or something simple like the rest of us, normal people would say in this situation. .
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Fun to see something done with the "many-worlds" theory ( in which all possible outcomes branch off into individual realities), which your script is a version of. And in three pages!
Of course, Real Bill wrote it this way, Faded Bill #1 would have made it a feature, and Faded Bill #2 wouldn't have stopped at Jake #1 and Jake #2. He would have had Infinite Jakes, Infinite Sarahs, Infinite Pub Guys. Probably hard to pull that one off, though!
Hey Bill - how's it going - not been around awhile but I checked in and saw this so had to give it a read
'ntresting, but I don't see all of it sitting right, and I think one of the things is that the alternatives aren't alternatives too anything. I think maybe it needs more room as some scripts won't fit into small spaces, but if the guy were to screw things up with Sarah, and his alter-ego's were not to do so, then the altenative(s) would have have a little more meaning - they would be lessons to him.
As it stands it's a little bland, but from his conviction at the end, he seems to be a changed man but we haven't gone through what it is that changes him, and I think that is the emotional connect that is missing. I think it's an interesting idea that's been outlined, not explored. IMO stuff.
Hey Bill - how's it going - not been around awhile but I checked in and saw this so had to give it a read
'ntresting, but I don't see all of it sitting right, and I think one of the things is that the alternatives aren't alternatives too anything. I think maybe it needs more room as some scripts won't fit into small spaces, but if the guy were to screw things up with Sarah, and his alter-ego's were not to do so, then the altenative(s) would have have a little more meaning - they would be lessons to him.
As it stands it's a little bland, but from his conviction at the end, he seems to be a changed man but we haven't gone through what it is that changes him, and I think that is the emotional connect that is missing. I think it's an interesting idea that's been outlined, not explored. IMO stuff.
Hey Simon
Thanks for the read.
Does seem a while since I've seen you about...so to speak.
I agree that in three pages the character depth is a tad slim, but on this occasion the concept is a big one so has to take centre stage.
Whilst jake doesn't change, per se, his glimpse of the alternate worlds that could exist does help him find the motivation to carry on and get the girl.
I could expand the script, but hopefully if a film maker thinks this an interesting concept to tackle we could agree the next steps together.
if you have anything in need of a read let me know.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
And I didn't like her say "Head injuries can be serious". I think she should be either overly geeky and say something very clever, or something simple like the rest of us, normal people would say in this situation.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Ew. I haven't read the other reviews, so I accept I may be the only one that hates seeing things like this in a screenplay or novel. It's really cheap. I can understand a 'what the fuck?' But two separate statements is too much. Personally, I'd drop the whole lot and leave the actor to figure out what to do. The best acting happens when nobody says anything at all. The circumstances and resultant body language and actions of the actor should be enough.
Code
His snaps out of it to see...
Typo.
Nice story, mate. I had a couple of issues with your writing, but you've been at this too long to listen to me now, so I'll keep it to myself.
I like the idea though and the ending is good. Despite the complicated subject matter you simplified it wonderfully. I've been toying for quite some time about writing a feature along a similar subject matter but have never got further than simply having the desire. An actual story hasn't presented itself yet.
Whilst jake doesn't change, per se, his glimpse of the alternate worlds that could exist does help him find the motivation to carry on and get the girl
Here's the thing: Why does he need motivation? The girl likes him, smiles at him, talks to him. Treats him well. There's no reason for him to believe he can't get her. Maybe if she was out of his league or they had started with the wrong foot somehow, that would explain his "pessimism".
The concept is really clever though and you managed to squeeze a lot of stuff in three pages. Good job.