Demento,
I love the whole vibe of this and the originality!
SPOILERS BELOW:
Feedback as follows, as I read. Discard or use what you want.
First off, I gather you're not a proponent of FADE IN or FADE OUT? Launching right in is seen more and more these days but I'm still a traditionalist when it comes to this especially if you decide to FADE at some point in the middle of your script (even though technically others would argue this is up to a director). Apropos that last I think you create your vision and should choreograph it the way you see fit to create the visual story, but each to their own.
First off perhaps call your opening slug: GREENHOUSE - instead of indoor garden.
And: his shiny shoes are covered in dirt instead of earth - there is a difference.
* Re character names, I did have to keep looking back to see which character was Tom and which was John - I'd give them more varied distinctive names i.e., Tom and Sebastian, or Dominic - something with an added syllable, and something to add a distinctive flair for your main character as well.
p. 2 use
'throughout' one word, not 'through out', alternatively: scatters the seeds
Sticking them in, randomly, about.Could be improved. Poking them into the soil randomly (you don't need the 'about' because the 'random' does that for you) and I personally think 'poking them in under the soil'.
I suppose it could be ongoing and so 'do you' would be apt however if he's referring to something that happened already '
did you manage to get a discount...' might roll off the tongue a little smoother and is probably more apt.
I’m one of those that forgives.It's dialogue so it's quite reasonable for the character to say 'that forgives' and anything goes in dialogue, however I'll just give you a heads up grammatically that if you're referring to a person (as opposed to an object) it's usually '
who forgives'
Upgrade. Is fine.
However - this character has a real sarcastic tone so I'd personally add to it.
i.e.,
Hmm, upgraded did we. My, my, this one must have been really special...'What did he do in the bedroom, do tell?Love this line, great wit.
John movesJohn moves where? Okay I get it, but perhaps: John moves through/past rows of seedlings, until he comes to a section where everything blooms...' or is in full bloom.
I didn’t get full-blown sunflower I didn't get
a full-blown sunflower Or: I didn't get
sunflowers and...'
Don't forget to include the
'article' in your writing i.e., a, an, the etc. Google grammar on
articles, determiners, subjects, and [i]this v that etc.[/i]or I'll point you in the right direction if you want. It's common with ESL to leave these qualifiers off but an easy fix to get in the habit of using, once you aware.
Example: He's referring to the past so:
he had to have done something special to earn it.Should prob be: He had to have done something special to earn
that.Did you make his toes curl? This is already assumed so I'd embellish a bit more:
Ooh, what did you do to make his toes curl? or: Pray tell, what did you do to make his toes curl?
I know that axe across your face wasn’t your fault but the sunflower is.wasn't your
doing - perhaps?
Also, I got from this that the visual is of the actual axe embedded in his face. Is it? If not we'd just see a wide and bloody gash only, and the axe stuck in the face would be particularly gruesome, as in, terrific.
You know, axe across the face isn’t very romantic.
Suggestion: '
An axe across the face isn't very romantic, now is it?. Article again. By the way I think our US counterparts write 'axe' as 'ax' without the 'e'.??
Tom rises his chin, pulling down his shirt collar.Suggestion: Tom
raises his chin or: (lifts his chin), pulls his shirt collar down to reveal...'
John walks (be wary of the generic and boring verb: 'walks' - choose a verb that fits the mood of the piece and of the character) a verb that pops.
over to an empty hole. Also freshly dug. An empty grave.Hmm, not sure the staccato works and it's a bit awkwardly written imh.
John strolls/saunters/sashays over to an empty hole in the ground, closer inspection reveals it's a freshly dug grave.'
He reaches into the bag of sunflower.He reaches into the bag of sunflower seeds (again, don't forget your subject) or: he reaches into a bag of sunflowers - reading on I gather they're seeds though cause he spreads them around, and a bag full of sunflowers would be some image, scattering them about, I mean..
It’s
tidedto a beam
(typo) It's
tied to a beam
rope
descending down'descending' already implies the 'down' so no need for both.
Suggestion: a rope descends from the ceiling
A contraption of
sort, set up to fill the grave.This should be: a contraption of
sorts, set to fill the grave.
(alt suggestion: rigged)
takes out a...'Simplify this: 'takes a straight razor from his pocket'
conscious.conscience (I think you mean)
conscious means: aware, awake
conscience = a person's moral compass/sense of right/wrong etc.
it’ll be in earth,in the ground
fuck you allltypo - all
John slices his jugular.Personally I'd write 'neck' in the previous/first line and save the actual 'jugular vein' descriptor for when he actually takes the knife to his own throat and cuts.
earth pours Yes, technically, we live on the earth, walk the earth (top layer) etc. but you're referring to what lies beneath - the stuff of the earth. I'd use a word like: dirt, soil, loam, etc.
And I wouldn't repeat the word 'earth' here:
Earth falls in, bit by bit, ...Be graphic with it too, ramp it up - this is your penultimate visual of soil/dirt mixed with fertilizer and god knows what else, raining down onto his face, into his eyes, up his nose etc.
the opening of the whole looking down. the opening of the hole (whole) means 'entire'.
It's a homophone. Should be hole in the ground. I think this is just a typo however cause I'm pretty sure you spelled it 'hole' prev.
Finally, your parting line of dialogue.
Welcome to Ghostville, USA. Where if you don’t go straight to hell, we’ll make hell here for you.Needs a bit of a revamp that last line to make it pithier. There's a certain poetry to the first part of the line, but then the last kind of peters out a bit.
Something along the lines of:
Welcome to Ghostville, USA , your own little patch of hell on earth.
Also, I'd avoid editorialising with your last line 'No peace found' it's not necessary imh and dilutes everything that came beforehand imh.
dirt falls
in his eyes would be better than 'on' - more visual, more horrific.
Perhaps just a frightening visual at the end i.e., John's mouth gapes open in a silent scream. Or, 'the gaping black hole of John's mouth as it opens, a silent scream' then it fills with dirt, something like that
Dirt closes the grave. John’s face grimaces in agony as it does.'...as it does' is awkward, sort of disconnected from the initial line. Like I said I'd describe John's face disappearing under the dirt rather than the static 'closes the grave'.
Suggestion: The last of the soil falls/dumps into the grave, John's face and body completely covered. Also: John's agonized face must surely come before the description of the grave filling - unless it's the look of agony on his face
standing amongst the other men??Okay, few technicalities aside I throughly enjoyed this macabre little tale. All these lost and discarded lovers rising from the grave - potentially a great feast of gory visuals. One of the characters reminded me of the character in The Sixth Sense - the half naked crying young chappie who breaks into Willis's house in the opening scene.
As for story I think I know what's going on here plotwise but I also think you could add a little to the character of John in the beginning - little bit more backstory/motivation perhaps? Unless he's just a psychotic twisted nut-case. At the outset he seems oblivious to Tom's taunts, cool as a cucumber, so him doing himself in at the end came a bit left of field for me. I gathered before this, given how many casualties there are in his garden that there may have been more to come.
I think filming it as is, there needs to be a little more story wise, just something extra... I'll be interested in your take on this.
That said, great work.