SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is June 24th, 2017, 10:43pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship
Always Looking for Good Short Scripts and Good Short Script Reviewers

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  Straight Shooter
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Straight Shooter  (currently 233 views)
SimplyScripts
Posted: February 15th, 2017, 6:03pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
11119
Posts Per Day
1.85
Straight Shooter by Richard Rivera - Short, Comedy, Western - An openly gay sheriff in the old west must endure a shocked town folk, a corrupt Mayor and a wealthy land baron intent on ridding himself of the newly elected sheriff. 11 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
eldave1
Posted: February 15th, 2017, 6:42pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Southern California
Posts
2242
Posts Per Day
2.12
An interesting theme for sure. To me, the ending was unrewarding. There are a ton of typos.


Quoted Text
He ties the animal's reins to a hitching post. He enters
slowly enters the saloon.


To many enters


Quoted Text
He's steps up to the bar.


He - not He's


Quoted Text
His eyes catch the attention of several men at a poker table -
all of him try to cop a feel of one the WAITRESSES


all of him - or them?


Quoted Text
POKER PLAYER#2
Listen Delroy, lets' keep playin',
The cards are gettin' cold.


Should be:
Listen, Delroy. Lets' keep playin',
The cards are gettin' cold.


Quoted Text
WAITRESS
Wow. I ain't ever heard of... I
mean I ain't met one...you sure you
ain't the least big aroused by ny...


My - not ny


Quoted Text
MAYOR BILLINGS (60) walks over to The Man.;


Should just end with a period.


Quoted Text
THE MAN
What is it you want


? needed


Quoted Text
THE MAN
Well it was either that or a hole
where your left used to be.


Something is missing - left what?


Quoted Text
FADE OUT:
THE END
He stops in front of the salon. He dismounts from his horse.
He ties to a post and enters,


Shouldn't have anything after fade out.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 1 - 2
Kirsten
Posted: February 24th, 2017, 12:13pm Report to Moderator
Red


Giving up is not an option....

Location
Kiwi in Ohio
Posts
94
Posts Per Day
0.32
Hi Richard,

This is entertaining but its ending falls flat. I like the banter between the man and the characters. I like the Man, he's cool and tough. You've portrayed him well. I liked the scene with the poker players getting what they deserve.

"An openly gay sheriff in the old west must endure a shocked town folk, a corrupt Mayor and a wealthy land baron intent on ridding himself of the newly elected sheriff."

Unfortunately your logline is way off.... we don't see any shocked town folk, the 2 people that do find out he's gay are okay with it. The corrupt mayor? not a huge indication he's corrupt, and who is the wealthy land baron intent on ridding himself of the Man?


It just needs a good ending, at the moment it's about a guy who comes to town, shows a bunch of assholes a thing or to, comes out to the waitress, gets noticed by the major, offered a job, offers the guy he has an attraction to a job, he takes it and thats it...

You've done a good job with the character, just need to build on the story.....

Keep at it!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 2
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Comedy Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006