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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  Straight Shooter
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  Author    Straight Shooter  (currently 435 views)
Posted: February 15th, 2017, 6:03pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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Straight Shooter by Richard Rivera - Short, Comedy, Western - An openly gay sheriff in the old west must endure a shocked town folk, a corrupt Mayor and a wealthy land baron intent on ridding himself of the newly elected sheriff. 11 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

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Posted: February 15th, 2017, 6:42pm Report to Moderator

Southern California
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An interesting theme for sure. To me, the ending was unrewarding. There are a ton of typos.

Quoted Text
He ties the animal's reins to a hitching post. He enters
slowly enters the saloon.

To many enters

Quoted Text
He's steps up to the bar.

He - not He's

Quoted Text
His eyes catch the attention of several men at a poker table -
all of him try to cop a feel of one the WAITRESSES

all of him - or them?

Quoted Text
Listen Delroy, lets' keep playin',
The cards are gettin' cold.

Should be:
Listen, Delroy. Lets' keep playin',
The cards are gettin' cold.

Quoted Text
Wow. I ain't ever heard of... I
mean I ain't met sure you
ain't the least big aroused by ny...

My - not ny

Quoted Text
MAYOR BILLINGS (60) walks over to The Man.;

Should just end with a period.

Quoted Text
What is it you want

? needed

Quoted Text
Well it was either that or a hole
where your left used to be.

Something is missing - left what?

Quoted Text
He stops in front of the salon. He dismounts from his horse.
He ties to a post and enters,

Shouldn't have anything after fade out.

My Scripts can all be seen here:
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Posted: February 24th, 2017, 12:13pm Report to Moderator

Giving up is not an option....

Kiwi in Ohio
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Hi Richard,

This is entertaining but its ending falls flat. I like the banter between the man and the characters. I like the Man, he's cool and tough. You've portrayed him well. I liked the scene with the poker players getting what they deserve.

"An openly gay sheriff in the old west must endure a shocked town folk, a corrupt Mayor and a wealthy land baron intent on ridding himself of the newly elected sheriff."

Unfortunately your logline is way off.... we don't see any shocked town folk, the 2 people that do find out he's gay are okay with it. The corrupt mayor? not a huge indication he's corrupt, and who is the wealthy land baron intent on ridding himself of the Man?

It just needs a good ending, at the moment it's about a guy who comes to town, shows a bunch of assholes a thing or to, comes out to the waitress, gets noticed by the major, offered a job, offers the guy he has an attraction to a job, he takes it and thats it...

You've done a good job with the character, just need to build on the story.....

Keep at it!

"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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