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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  Intrusive Surveillance
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Don
Posted: March 11th, 2018, 3:10pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Intrusive Surveillance by Maroun Rached - Short, Comedy - A man notices a surveillance camera inside a public toilet, and has a surprising conversation with the P.A. speaker. 6 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Don  -  March 11th, 2018, 9:31pm
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: March 12th, 2018, 8:37am Report to Moderator
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I suspect this has been posted in the wrong place!


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: March 12th, 2018, 8:55am Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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I had been thinking the same thing when I saw that. Minor mishap.


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bert
Posted: March 12th, 2018, 11:22am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Mr. Blonde
I had been thinking the same thing when I saw that. Minor mishap.


Amended, thanks for calling it out, guys.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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colkurtz8
Posted: March 14th, 2018, 3:43pm Report to Moderator
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Maroun

This was a bit odd, intentionally so though.

A few awkward turns of phrase in the prose and dialogue but I got a few smirks out of it all the same.

Col.


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Maroun
Posted: March 14th, 2018, 6:39pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Col,

Thanks for the read! Yes, the awkward turns of phrase occur because I'm not a native English speaker: that's what happens when you learn your English from Hollywood

Best,
Maroun.
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colkurtz8
Posted: March 15th, 2018, 3:04pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Maroun
Yes, the awkward turns of phrase occur because I'm not a native English speaker: that's what happens when you learn your English from Hollywood


- Ah, yes, I half suspected this but didn't want to say because your english is easily good enough to be written by a native speaker...and can you think of a bigger insult than been mistaken for a foreign speaker when you are, in fact, native?

The clunky phrasing is minor, I've read far worse by native speakers.

Knowing this now makes the script all the more impressive, well done.


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