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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Bank Manager
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  Author    Bank Manager  (currently 518 views)
Don
Posted: November 29th, 2017, 5:40pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Bank Manager by Simon Parker - Short, Drama - A girl in her late teens and a guy in his late thirties, both find a bank worker dead outside his car with a bag filled with money. Do they call for help, split the money or take it all for themselves.  6 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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eldave1
Posted: December 1st, 2017, 9:06pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry - but for me there is no point to this story.  It just ends - like you were tired of writing in it.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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RichardR
Posted: December 6th, 2017, 2:59pm Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

While the idea has been done many times, this is not a particularly new take.  Man dies, lots of money, two people who don't exactly see eye to eye.  The discussion is mundane.  He doesn't offer dreams of what she can do with the money.  She doesn't offer consequences of taking it.  They don't go to bargaining or killing off each other's arguments.  Sort of runs out of steam.

Best
Richard
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CharlesH
Posted: December 14th, 2017, 12:53am Report to Moderator
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I think the initial concept was great but it just leaves more to be desired. It ends too abruptly with a lot of unanswered questions.
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PabloM
Posted: February 12th, 2018, 4:57pm Report to Moderator
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It's the right starting for a featured script. want you try to lenght it? we just get hanging on the hook of the robbery at the very lightday, all of it well performed. anyway it that's is your perspective of the plot; it's okay.
Simon you can have my scripts 'On the road' and 'Curst' thriller and mystery respectively and swap reviews.
or send me another one of your scripts at redmooninvitro07@gmail.com
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