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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Hospital Please
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  Author    Hospital Please  (currently 163 views)
Don
Posted: July 27th, 2018, 7:28am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Hospital Please by Simon Parker - Short, Drama - Pregnant and about to give birth a beautiful woman builds a friendship with a lonely taxi driver who dreams of a family of his own. 7 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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LC
Posted: July 27th, 2018, 9:07am Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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First off: Proof reading is essential. All due respect, but it's not a good look when there's a typo in the opening character's description. 'Blading', presumably 'balding,'.

I thought this was going to be a nice little tale about two lonely people finding friendship in their hour of need.

Sorry to say the shock ending and seeming about-face of Bruce's character didn't gel for me.

Your logline gives the opposite idea of where your story's headed, and I think onscreen you'd have people scratching their heads.


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Kirsten
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 2:31pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Simon,

I was surprised with the ending as well. I was hoping it would end nicely for both of them. It was too abrupt.
The dialogue between them wasn't bad, I felt her reaction to him, and understood his desperation and awkward behavior. But then it went off in a totally different direction.

It seemed more like a thriller than a drama. I think if you wrote it as a drama you would be 3/4 of the way there and it would work better that way... the unlikely romance... as a thriller it seems pretty standard... creepy taxi driver kidnaps client...


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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OscarM
Posted: August 8th, 2018, 12:13pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Simon,
I like to give feedback in a way that's similar to "professional" coverage. Please let me know if you have any questions and/or comments.


This story starts out as a romantic drama of sorts, and then it takes on a huge twist at the end where it ends up landing more in the thriller or even horror territory. There’s potential to the characters; Taxi driver Bruce and the pregnant Laura each prove to be an interesting study on how people deal with their loneliness and harsh circumstances. In that regard, the characters are very well defined.

This short script moves at a brisk pace, partly because the writing style is simple to carry the story unadorned, although the writer should be watchful of typos throughout. The set-up is simple and the writing matches that. Although it struggles slightly as the story has a bit of a “stop and go” structure – We see individual encounters between Bruce and Laura over time. This is a good choice since it allows the possibility to see their relationship grow over time, but perhaps it could flow better. That said, the issue with this may lie with something else at a character, craft and storytelling level.

The relationship between Bruce and Laura develops possibly too quickly; she’s very quick in revealing her personal issues to him. This may make sense and match her character, but given the story’s conclusion and abrupt change in interaction, it feels inconsistent. At the same time, the dialogue between them comes across as very “on-the-nose”, especially toward the end. This also makes Bruce’s change in personality come across as too abrupt. The lack of buildup fails to sell the final twist. At the same time, it feels like maybe the story could have a more of a dénouement to make the ending more effective. Answering a couple of questions or even giving hints of Laura and her child’s final fate could work without undermining the horror at all.

There’s potential to Hospital, Please; the premise and characters are intriguing. But rewrites need to focus on better justifying the characters and in polishing the dialogue. All of this can help in making the final twist more impactful and therefore help this short script live up to its potential.
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EscapeVelocity13
Posted: August 9th, 2018, 6:17pm Report to Moderator
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Yo Simon,

To echo those before me, this script does show signs that you didn't proof read the script before sending it off. Also, this did come off as if it were going to have a feel good ending, not a complete 180.

The ending wasn't a legit surprise, but more of a random one.

Keep writing, good luck.
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LiamX
Posted: October 16th, 2018, 9:08am Report to Moderator
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enjoyed the ending alot.
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