Hey Amu, Read the first few pages and here are thoughts. If you're around to read this and let me know I'll happily give it all a read. - The water mark is not needed and very distracting - Too many transitions and fades etc. You don't actually need to specific "CUT TO" each cut. A cut is assumed with a new log line. You'd do a transition format (in my opinion) if it was relevant: I.E a match cut or whatever - talking to herself in her car is a little bit of an awkward and on the nose way to establish her anxiety/stress -I cannot stop laughing at Luke's character description of having a "deep V". I know what you mean by that by the way but that is such an awkward way to establish his physique. - what is a "fuck tarde" OK so I stopped reading here. Again let me know if you're acrually around and I'll hapy read it all. So far I get the impression English is a second language for you? If so, congratulation on learning a second (or even third!) language and being able to write a readable script. Your command of the language does mean your action descriptions can be really hard to follow or odd choices, as with dialogue. I give a perfect example on page 1 " For a pale person, her shoe collection is a marvel". There's nothing wrong with this sentence but it doesn't mean anything on screen? What does being a pale person have to do with the number of shoes? You do this throughout. It's not entirely clear where this is going and I should have had a kind of "hook" by this point. 37 pages is probably too long for a short and too short for a feature. What's the medium this would be shown on? 37 is actually good length for a pilot if you'd want to write a TV pilot. It's really impressive you've written a script and you should be proud. It's not hard to read (but is a little hard to follow) so good job  |
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The Ice
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