Interstate by Ben Clifford - Horror, Thriller - In the year 1980, young couple faces home-sickness, isolation, and relationship breakdown when they relocate from the deep south to California. Meanwhile, their city is plagued by a spate of middle-of-the-night break-ins by an unknown assailant who has recently escalated to murder.  92 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Thanks Don!

Not sure how I managed this, but I accidentally uploaded a 52 page draft of this one. This is a horror feature, and the full script is uploaded: https://www.dropbox.com/e/scl/.....65cyj40ane3rcdh5ywbm

What's up, Ben? Have you resubmitted the full draft to Don?

Not a fan of the logline. Seems clunky, like it's missing words. I'll check out the first 5 pages and let you know what I think.

Hey Zack,

I just resubmitted the proper link to Don (I didn't know to could do it that way!). I don't think I've ever submitted a script properly my first try on this site, haha.

Yeah, I don't know about the logline either. The script is oddly structured, and detailing that in the logline would kind of disrupt the impact of that. Ideally, the second half of the script should be a surprise but of course there's no way to describe the first half cinematically in a logline. I'll have to keep thinking on it.

Thanks Don - the script now links to the proper feature length second draft!

Would love any feedback

Ahoy Ben - this might not go over well but for the sake of perspective I'm going to say it anywaz. First off, read it in one setting. Should have took notes, but it was beddy bos' time.

It's well-written, good set-up, the pacing., the dialogue... all good. This felt like one of these "slow burn, take your time" sort of thing. Very little in the way of horror throughout the first half, which is fine, you kept things interesting. Actually I was getting more of a psychological drama vibe early on, but things really picked up at the mid-way point, which I absolutely enjoyed.

Second, It’s interesting how many horror films today don't realize that it's usually what you don't see that ends up being scarier than what you do see. In a nutshell, I thought you handled the brutal rape scene with Leah and Bobby very well, it was definitely more effective the way you played it... so major props.

Quoted Text I'm interesting in feedback about the structure, because the script takes a structural turn midway through that I dont know works.

Funny, you should say that, didn't care for it.

I mean from my POV: we spend the majority of the time with this troubled young couple, Bobby and Leah... so naturally I was heavily invested in them. Especially Leah, and the mystery surrounding her dreams and the orchard. You focused a great deal on that, so it must be important, but then to do that then take the astronomical shift.  I felt cheated -- left me with more questions than answers... answers I wanted but didn't get.

Look, I’ve seen a few films over the years that have done something similar. I think it can be pulled off, it's just hard to do it effectively. Not saying you haven’t done that here... just saying I wasn't a fan of it. JMHO, so don't read too much into that - I'm just a middle-of-the-road screenwriter --others' will probably luv that shift, so see what they think.

I dunno, maybe if you had incorporated Daniel and his family earlier on - I would have been more welcoming with the shift... of course, without revealing he's the actual bad guy upfront, save it for later... just spit-balling.

Terri recognized Daniel - not sure why she didn't inform the police. In fact, I don't know why Daniel just didn't kill them. I suspect the following scene where he forces himself on his wife had a hand in why you didn't have Daniel do it. Or not.

The character work with Daniel and Leah, I thought was good.  Daniel's one sick sadistic psycho bastard! I'll admit, I luv the interaction with him and his son(Hank)

Um, the ending was a mixed bag for me. I wanted justice. I'm going to read it again, but not in one setting, like I said, maybe I'm missing something.

Anywaz, running errands, just a few drive by comments, forgive my errors, typing on my phone. _ghostie gal

Thanks Ghostie, I really appreciate the feedback. I’ll respond to your finer points when I’m back on my computer but I am so grateful for the read - glad you enjoyed parts of it!

Spoilers herein

Your writing is good, descriptions are nice, dialogue tight. It's engaging and for the first half I was really guessing as to where it was going. The subject matter isn't what I'd watch personally, Cape Fear is a film for me that handles this kind of thing well while also being a thriller.

Were you going for a kind of a character study? Bobby and Leah's ends abruptly when Daniel rocks up. Keen to understand the artistic expression here?

And then with Daniel's bit, what are we seeing here? Is this half of the screenplay to show how much of a mad man he is? I wasn't sure where it was going, I knew I very much didn't like him and then it kind of just ends.

What was the significance of the orchard dream? Just to show that maybe Leah's character is a little unhinged?  And the subtext on religion, was this also just to show more of Leah's character? And what was Ruth's role? Kooky neighbour? I thought more may come from that bit with Anita and Bobby's boss.

At the start when there was a context of people being angry, I thought maybe there was something supernatural going on where people around Leah were becoming angry and I wondered if it was something to do with her.

I think maybe we needed a bit more on Bobby? Felt he was quite in the background, but maybe what you were going for.

I weirdly got a kind of 'No Country For Old Men' vibe from this. Not in terms of the subject, but how you get invested in Josh Brolin's character and then he suddenly is gone and you're left following Javier Bardem who you don't like.

Difference is you kind of had Tommy Lee Jones' character who connected the two narratives together, I wonder if we need a mutual character here who appears in both stories? Could this be Beth? Could she be a neighbour to Bobby and Leah?


Live thoughts as I read

- Very, very strong opening - in both senses of the word. Have you seen an old movie called 'Nomads' with Pierce Brosnan? Echoes of that here.

- And now a dead baby? Very strong.

- Also getting echoes of The Crazies from the opening with a lot of unnaturally angry people.

- Like the way the Orchid bit is done with the voiceover.

18 pages in - this moves nice and quickly. Theoretically at this point I'd be maybe 15 - 18 mins into the movie, and still trying to work out what the overall theme will be. For now it seems like a very, very dark thriller with religious undertones.

21 - should Leah be more freaked out by that voice? Seems nonchalant, but maybe that's her character.

22 - Wonder if that newspaper headline should be worked in earlier? Assuming this is a big part of the story.

25 - don't think a puppy can be walked outside until it's like 16 - 18 weeks, unless this is a time lapse. (Sorry such a shit observation haha).

- 27 'let me bask in your youth' - creepy! Ruth talks like a 70 year old rather than 40s (I say this as a 32 year old)

- 31 from what I recall Leah has seen something on the news about this prowler? After hearing that shouldn't her next call be to the police? Or is she not that type of person? Now she's dancing round the house.

- Dialogue with Leah and the businessman is well done.

- 36 DID NOT EXPECT THAT, intriguing, goes against all I thought about the character

- 44, did Leah snap just then because she's pissed that Rhonda didn't call before, or just having a weird moment?

- Assuming California in the 80s wasn't a religious place? As per Bobby's reaction (I'm from the UK so don't have context)

- 49, Bobby doesn't try grab a weapon when he hears that noise? Particularly after the encounter earlier

- 52, okay didn't see this coming. Brutal. Took a long time to get here if these characters won't be in the film anymore.

-  wonder if this needs to be broken into another chapter e.g. 'Chapter 2 - Daniel'

- is this based on the golden state killer?

- So now as I read, all I'm hoping for is to see Daniel get his comuppence as per a traditional narrative, but so far there's no hint  of anyone who may be on his case, but it's early on.

- Now I'm thinking what was the significance of Leah's anger, and the anger of others earlier in the story. E.g. the patient, the homeless man, etc.

- Beth's character - thought there might be more with her?

- So the ending? The thinking here is that it's a sort of shock ending? Or does this open up for a sequel?

To add to this, I know you're keen to understand more of the story/structure so if you have any specific questions you want my opinion on let me know.

Ok I'm on my PC so can respond properly!

Ghostie --

Thanks again. I'm with you about the midway point change being sudden and shocking. I suppose it's intentional on my part. I wanted to leave Leah and Bobby's story unresolved, because that's what happens when someone is killed. As opposed to typical horror movies where characters exist just to die, I wanted the audience to experience the feeling of someone being killed despite living a full life that they don't get any closure for. I admit that's cinematically hard to sit with, though, and I'm sorry you felt cheated.

Regarding Terri - my intention is to have Daniel only suspect that Terri recognises him, or for Terri to be unsure where she might recognise his face from, hence why he isn't reported. I can make that clearer in the script tho.

The ending (as in the very final sequence) is a continuation of the ongoing theme of protagonists reckoning with their own identity. I tired to link that with Leah's nightmares about coming upon her own doppleganger, with Daniel then seeing his "doppleganger" in the mirror (his own reflection) and simiarily not liking it. It's a bit ethereal though, and obviously Daniel never gets his comeuppance.

Goose -- thanks so much for reading! I was a bit optimistic about my week, but I will have chance tonight or tomorrow to finish Cockroach Man.

I like your suggestion of a character being shared between the two narratives - I'd have to consider it. It would ruin the "shock" of the halfway point, though, which is part of the reason I wanted to write this. I'll think on it.

(Yes it's inspired by the Golden State Killer but a lot of things are different).

Beth's character is more about Daniel's misogyny and his relationships with women - I suppose it does read as a bit of an anticlimax.

Thanks again for reading - I really appreciate it.

Also Goose I totally forgot to add - I’m fascinated by the fact that you thought the hospital scene was establishing some kind of horror concept with angry people. I used to work in the health system and have friends that still do, and all of that stuff is just typically Emergency Room patients! (The dead baby is based on a personal experience when I was working in hospital social work).

Hey, yeah just on my phone atm so don't have access to my notes but with the patient at the start of the film, the homeless man's anger and then something else I wondered if there was something about Leah that was causing anger. I went into it without fully reading the logline so I was completely fresh.