Mouse Trap by Emani Ruffin - Short, Drama - A trio find a phone and decided to take a train in an attempt to find what’s beyond their city. 7 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice

Hi Emani

I don't believe you have uploaded a finished version as you still have a place holder in the opening dialogues instead of the actual pledge.

You might also want to look into breaking up your action/description blocks, they are far too dense at the moment. Script writing is about getting the maximum impact with as few words as possible.

All the best

Yep, this is the same as the extract in the WIP thread of the same name which I already posted feedback on.

Quoted from Matthew Taylor Hi Emani I don't believe you have uploaded a finished version as you still have a place holder in the opening dialogues instead of the actual pledge. You might also want to look into breaking up your action/description blocks, they are far too dense at the moment. Script writing is about getting the maximum impact with as few words as possible. All the best

Thank you!!! I’ll definitely try to implement your feedback 😊

As far as I can tell, except for the ending there's not much difference with this posted script and your WIP.

I'll post my feedback here as I'm not sure you saw the feedback on your WIP.

First thing you need to do is split your paragraphs up for easier reading. Your action paragraphs are way too long.

I've copied a section as an example. (below)

Write your descriptions/action as if you were looking at different shots. Start a new line for each shot or change in action.

And, keep action paragraphs to four lines max.

Where you have -
END MONTAGE

You need to add BACK TO SCENE or Write a new slugline.

The bed is made military style, desk is clear beside a single
notebook with a pencil beside it, identical pairs of shoes
line up on the ground under a window. The only thing that
stands out is a pile of books on the floor, behind her door.
She continues over to a closet, opening it to reveal
identical outfits of three colors, black, gray, and a dark
navy blue. All marked with the same emblem on her clothes.
She takes a suitcase marked with a matching emblem down from a shelf, its black and obviously durable.

So, here's your scene heading again.
Below it some suggestions.

INT. ASTRA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT (stick to DAY or NIGHT not Evening.)

Orderly and austere. Stark white walls, single bed,
closet, and writing desk. A window to the far corner
of the room allows the only light.

Identical shoes are lined up at the foot of the perfectly made bed. Notebook and pencil the only embellishment to the desk.

Only one thing stands out amongst the ordered austerity - a stack of books piled high -

Astra steps over them to the closet, opens it to reveal matching suits in black, navy blue and grey. All bear the government issue emblem to the lapel.

She reaches up high to grab a suitcase, also bearing the Government insignia -

It clatters to the floor.

A BABY'S CRY startles her.

She turns to look at the open bedroom door.
Turns once more to look at the window,
and the open blind.

She shoves the suitcase back into the closet.

Hurries to close the bedroom door, barricades the stack of books up against it.

In the background soothing voices can be heard and the baby's now muffled cry.

Astra flings the closet door open once more,
grabs the suitcase and jams it with clothes.

You want the reader's eye to travel down the page as much as possible, not across as with a novel.

Just write the action as we see it. So, this paragraph and the one above I blended into one.

Resist using words like 'begins or starts'.
Example;
She begins to reach for clothes in the closet, but a BABY's CRY makes her turn looking at her open door and then at the blinds of her window which are up. She closes the door,
pushing the piles of books against it, and distinctly we hear
ASTRA'S PARENTS calming the baby. She walks back to the
closet and begins filling it.

Milia begins to walk away, backpack on her back and suitcase
handle in hand- dragging behind her.
Milia walks away, backpack and suitcase dragging behind her.

You should be able to get all the content in but condense it.

Regarding your Opening:

EXT. CITY - DAY

An aerial view of a large city situated in between other
cities. The city looks almost black and white and stands out
from the surrounding area. We descend closer the ground and
an array of matching gray houses can be seen along with large
government like buildings. The descent continues now over a
large group of gathered people of all ages, in matching
outfits. We center on an older white man [PRESIDENT
MARROW],48, he is neatly put together and stands in a
position matched by the crowd below him. They recite a
pledge

Condense this.
How/why does the city look black and white?
Where are we and in what year? You may well need a SUPERIMPOSE for this.

When you change from the Aerial view to the ground and the people congregated, you need a new scene heading.

When you change again to single out the character of the President, you need a new line.

Btw, he's only forty-eight so leave out the 'older man', it doesn't fit imho.

Hope this helps.
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