Other than the title font, this is the best one I’ve read so far.

Excellent stuff!

This is an effective script. Hard not to feel emotion when little Oscar's lip quivers. I liked the line "For-bidd-en" and the T-shirt Oscar-saurus. Who are Oscar and Richard leaving behind, and will they be happy in heaven without them?

Thanks all for the comments.

Some general responses to comments:

- Yes the font sucks, It was the first one I tried and then work got busy so couldn't go back and change.

- There is no story reason for why Oscar doesn't recognize his dad at first. It's heaven and the kid has obviously gone through a traumatic event, so I figured why the hell not. But it does represent the "Would you know my name?" lyric in which Clapton was expressing his fear that his son wouldn't recognize him in heaven.

Quoted from D.A.Banaszak Spoiler alert. I didn’t quite interpret that the child died in a bouncy castle on his birthday. I looked at it as Heaven through the eyes of a child: It’s his Birthday all the time. As Libby pointed out, it would have been nice to know what Richard did but it wasn’t totally necessary. I just assumed it was something similar to what inspired the song:  an accident that Richard felt responsible for even if he wasn’t.

Bingo. His birthday party is his heaven. I did have a bigger exchange between the two where the father says something like "You always wished it was your birthday everyday"

And yes, the father did not do anything. Parental survivor guilt is the reason he is apologizing.

Quoted from PKCardinal The second: He leaves his son, saying "I don't think I belong here, yet." and then he's almost immediately back with him. It just felt disjointed as a result. The line of dialogue suggests that he's not going to die. But, he does. Small detail, but it created an unintended disconnect. .

Thanks PK, you are right. This comment gave me the idea for a new ending....

Quoted from Abe from LA The end suicide thing didn't work for me. Richard's sin should not be rewarded. How about a time jump when Richard is older and at death's door. Then the Keeper gladly allows him to pass.

... which Abe also came up with. Thanking you.

The new ending will be that when he returns, we have indeed time jumped and he comes back as an old man, with healed scars (still wearing the daddy-saurus tshirt though   ), keeper lets him past and Oscar shouts "Daddy" as he enters, waiting for him. So even though for Richard, a lot of time has past, he has never forgotten about his son.

It also plays into Clapton's lyrics better "I don't belong here in heaven" which was him acknowledging that he can't grieve forever and has to find a way to move forward.

The rest is still under a rewrite.

Quoted from D.A.Banaszak Blood drops look like, well... what’s on your title page.

It was actually supposed to be blood. Here is how the conversation went in my head:
"People will think it is tears, because, y'know, but then they will read the script and realize it's actually BLOOD from the slit wrists... double meaning title page drips... fuck I am a genius!!!"
... I am not a genius.

Quoted from Heretic SPOILERS The only tiny thing that bumped me, and it's tiny but big, is that I found the circumstances of the suicide attempt a little bit odd. Why there, and with what, and was it a pre-planned thing?

It was purely for dramatic purposes. I quite liked the contrast of Richard and Keeper coming face to face, one in a black funeral suit, the other in a bright white. Then later him lying next to a Childs coffin.
As for Richards reasons for doing then and there, who knows. Spur of the moment when stricken with grief maybe? Pre-planned because he knew it was the last time he would be physically close to his son?... Think I'll leave it open ended for now.


Anyhoo, thanks all for the comments  

Revised script is up (thanks Don) if anyone is interested.

I read this one again with pleasure, Matthew. Such a beautiful, well laid out story. Love it.
FWIW, I did spot a small typo on page 6 “Richard struggles in vein”. Should be “vain”. Anyway thanks for posting the revised version. Wishing you much luck with this short that really pulls at the heartstrings.

Kathy

Good stuff. I like the changes.

Although, I think it might be even stronger if the son doesn't recognize him at all in the first go round. So, when he's recognized as "Daddy!" at the end, it's even more of a punch in the gut.

You could even keep all of the existing dialogue (minus the dad references and the "I love you.") It shows Oscar as a good kid if he's concerned about why the stranger is sad.

It works like this, though, too. Really strong.

Couple of typos, in addition to "vein." It's should be its on page one. There's a capitalization error on page six to start the second sentence.

Super strong short. Excellent work.

Thank you both for reading again   glad you liked it.

I really liked it and it actually made me cry. I think people over think it sometimes with scripts. I just think if it tells a good story that's what's important. I think this worked really well.

Quoted from AndyJ I really liked it and it actually made me cry. I think people over think it sometimes with scripts. I just think if it tells a good story that's what's important. I think this worked really well.

Thanks for the read. Makes me happy that my script elicited some emotions in you.