Robozombie Apocalypse: The Deadening by Max Ruddock - Short, Comedy, Horror, Sci Fi - In a world seemingly overrun by an army of Robozombies, two friends find their loyalties pushed to the limits. 15 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

When Trev and Carl were talking on the radios it reads as if they're in the same scene together, not in separate locations.  Use an intercut or voice over for those scenes.  However, I could be wrong as I'm still new to this.  So hopefully if anyone who has more experience reads your script and my comment they can correct me, or let me know that I'm right!  

Max,

Some notes.

This opens as some post-civilization battle.  Then, we get to Trev in his fox hole.  It still feels that way.  

Then, we jump to night.  Huh?  I don’t think the earth turning does that.  Why not start at dusk, if night is imminent?

Then, we get some idle radio chatter.  I’m not into that.  Far too on the nose and wordy.  I’m not convinced this is real.

Nothing is happening.  For a story that promises action, this is slow.  

There is some action and a jammed gun.

Then, the phone rings.  WTF  this is just some game?  The audience will feel cheated at this point.  They bought into a robozombie/human conflict, and what they get is a pretty lame ending.  But that’s me.  

Best
Richard

Hey chaps,

Thanks for taking the time to have a read and offering up some feedback. It's appreciated.

I'll just reply to Nolan first,

I'd asked myself the same thing about using (V.O.) too, but chose to error on the side of caution and not use it for a couple of reasons.

The first being because (V.O.) is generally used for narrative purpose, and I didn't want to confuse the reader by having them think they're reading a character either narrating what is happening now, or has happened. If that makes sense?

And secondly, because I wanted to keep the page as clutter-free as possible. Especially if it's clear from the proceeding text that the characters aren't in the same place, although they are talking to each other at the same time.

Still, I might add that in with rewrite if it'd help clarify things. So cheers for the heads up!


And in reply to Richard,

Am I right in thinking that you're saying it always feels like Trev is in a foxhole? It's meant to. Trev's a man of words, not action (yep, I know that's the opposite of how characters are generally meant to be) and spends his time cowering away. Whereas Carl is the opposite. More a man of few words but big on action, like going back to help a friend, even though he'd repeatedly said he intended to leave the game (by going to the D.M.Z.).

And Trev's not just stuck in a foxhole in the game, but in life too. Which is what I tried to suggest with the lines...

CARL: Where ya going with this, Trev? I mean, it’s a bit dramatic init. (beat) There’s more to life than just this you know?
TREV: (fighting back tears) Not for me, man... not for me.

As for the world turning, that's why we have day and night. Not meaning to sound like a smartass, but that's how it happens. Anyways, think it'd be ok to use dusk in the slugline? I was actually going to initially, but thought it might be better just go with the standard day/night and chickened out. In fact the only reason the scene with the Earth turning is there is because I wanted to transition from a day scene (it had to be daytime or how else could we make out the necessary details of a ghost town?) to the following night scenes (which are always better for this kind of thing) in a visually interesting way.

Yeah, tricky one with the dialogue. My intention was for it to come across as if they're just talking about their immediate concerns; such as whether or not they're injured and where they're located... but what they're really talking about is whether Carl should leave the game or not, since he's going to find out the sex of his kid that day. And Trev's reluctance to acknowledge there's more to life than running around playing war games. Perhaps rather than being too on the nose, was I actually too vague?

Which leads me onto your last point. Yep, it's a game. It's a game of airsoft (which is a lot like paintball, but with BB guns), but I decided to avoid any exposition as I didn't think that was really necessary. As long as we know it's a game, I don't think we don't need to know the specific details. For instance, when I watch a film and there's a card game going on. I don't care if it's poker, solitaire or whatever, because I don't play cards so it's all the same to me. All I need to know is it's a game, which means there's something at stake, even if it's just the character's pride... and as is often the case, the game is just a metaphor for something larger.

As for the promise of action. I never made that promise. That's a part of the twist. Check out the logline. It just "appears" to be a post apocalyptic future world.

Hope I'm not coming across as being all defensive here. Because at the end of the day if that's how it read then that's my fault and not the readers, so thanks for pointing those things out.

I'll take a look at your work too, and hopefully be able to offer some constructive feedback in return.

Thanks for getting the revised draft up so soon Don!

And I’m not sure if Nolan and RichardR are still around, but thanks again for the notes guys. I put them into use in this draft.

Cheers