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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Dramedy Scripts  ›  Mollycoddled
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  Author    Mollycoddled  (currently 3395 views)
Don
Posted: September 3rd, 2016, 8:16am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Mollycoddled by L. Chambers - Short, Dramedy - After they're turfed out, one man and his dog discover there might be trouble and strife at home, but out in the big wide world the Nanny state has gone haywire. 12 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  November 22nd, 2016, 10:44am
revised draft
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LC
Posted: September 3rd, 2016, 9:16am Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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Wow, that was fast, Don. Thank you!

I welcome feedback from all. Bear in mind there's not a lot of white space with this one as it's minimal dialogue.

And, an important note/edit I need to make in the script is that the 'signage' is all new. You'll know what I mean when reading so I hope you factor that in.


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SimonM
Posted: September 3rd, 2016, 9:38am Report to Moderator
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Liked this - nice and visual. I could "see" the scenes, by and large, in my head - which is after all the point of a screenplay!

Is it really this bad Down Under, where the women glow and the men plunder?

Also, who's Elaine Benes?

One thought that occurred while I was reading it - you may not agree, but I kept thinking it would be funnier if the dog was a cat... But then I'm a cat person, for my sins.

Here in Britain, of course, it's actually compulsory to get drunk and throw up - at least on Friday and Saturday nights. You can get a Government grant for it I believe.

Nicely written.
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Warren
Posted: September 3rd, 2016, 4:14pm Report to Moderator
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Got to love our nanny state.

It's definitely well written, but I did find it a long 11 pages, not for the lack of dialogue, more for the lack of content.

Being an Aussie, this is just the way it is, or the very least, the way it's going. I don't know, just didn't feel like much of a story in here.

My 2 cents, be interested to see other peoples opinions.


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MarkItZero
Posted: September 3rd, 2016, 4:15pm Report to Moderator
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Well written, and I like the overall story, but it's too much repetition. There's like ten different scenarios that are basically identical. He tries to do something (lay down, bring in dog, get beer) and some rule/rule enforcer stops him. There's no escalation or attempt to subvert expectations.

For example, maybe he's finally let into one bar. Dog and owner happily run inside, only to discover it's a neo-nazi hangout and a bunch of swastika wearing tough guys are suddenly staring them down. Then they quickly run back out to the next adventure. It'd at least be a little change of pace and keep the reader/viewer on their toes.

And as much as I appreciate a Seinfeld reference, the Elaine description might be too obscure. Love that episode though!    


That rug really tied the room together.
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LC
Posted: September 3rd, 2016, 5:31pm Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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Simon, thanks for jumping on this so fast. Much appreciate your comments on the visuals too.

A cat?  Hmm, while I appreciate you're a feline fan - (I do like cats myself but never owned one, and gravitate towards mutts,) I can see a lot of problems with the cat actually taking direction. They tend to want to run their own show, if you know what I mean.

Yes, it has become this bad down under in some respects. Laughed at your other comment. We get it from you guys, you know.

We're definitely being criticized compared to more relaxed better behaved cultures re drinking on the streets/violence, and we're having a go at ourselves too.The debate continues re lockout laws saving lives  v businesses suffering (nightclubs/venues) closing down. Of course you can visit the casinos 24hrs, I think.

So, this is a commentary on how precious we have become re safety,  political correctness, and preventing litigation/liability etc.

Elaine Benes? Yep, I knew I was pushing it with this. Not a Seinfeld fan? I'll post a clip later.

Thanks again for your thoughts.


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LC
Posted: September 3rd, 2016, 5:41pm Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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Warren, I'm conscious of the fact it reads a little 'long'.

Interested in any further thoughts you might have re injecting more story, if you think of anything.

I do think a director could make it run faster but I take your point.

Thanks for the compliment re the writing.

And, you've actually just made me think about hypervigilance and terror threats/false alarms, so I might inject some of that, in a comedic way, hopefully, (and speed up other bits) there.

Definitely open to ideas.


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Warren
Posted: September 3rd, 2016, 5:51pm Report to Moderator
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I've never been good at advising people on how to change or modify their story. I just know what works for me and what doesn't.

What I did forget to say in my previous comment was that I can in fact see this getting made. It is a current and growning issue in Australia and in NSW inparticular.


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Angry Bear
Posted: September 3rd, 2016, 5:54pm Report to Moderator
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Libby, I totally get what you're doing with this story. It's the same here and in Sweden too. You could've easily added to Brad being in trouble for throwing a beer bottle away and not recycling. They are extreme about that in Sweden. A lot of things that are forced upon us these days under the guise of protecting us in one way or another. Health. Safety. Environment. Climate and so on. Meanwhile people are getting nastier and less pleasant online.

I do agree that it feels a bit repetitive. Only because by the second "offense" we get the point.

I also agree with you, that on film, this might actually play faster.

My only suggestion would be to give us a glimpse into why Brad is thrown out in the first place. Otherwise the gf/wife taking him back seems a little too easy.

Lots of words in it I've never heard of, btw. Interesting to see how our English can vary so much by region. Btw, I just commented on a guy's script last week, he's in Ireland, that he spelled curb wrong...I won't do that again.

Nice short with a statement, just let us know why Brad is thrown out, so we can better understand why she takes him back.  Maybe he talks to the dog on the beach and we find out that way?


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LC
Posted: September 3rd, 2016, 6:13pm Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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Mark, I was hoping the repetition of events could work in favour of it being entertaining.  Similar to Groundhog/time loop stories.  He's thwarted at every attempt to just enjoy his day of 'freedom'.

It kinda is the point his freedom is limited with all the new and over the top rules being introduced and enforced, and it's all going a bit nuts.. Mind you, I get it has to have enough to be entertaining on screen.

Is it at the moment? I'll wait for more consensus.

Neo-Nazis? Hmm, I think I've seen similar scenarios in films (Wild Hogs ?) being out of your element, etc. I'm not sure that's the same story I'm going for here. Maybe... I'll mull it over. That's what feedback is for.

And, I thank you for yours!





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eldave1
Posted: September 3rd, 2016, 6:16pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Libby:

This reminded me of the old songs "Signs" by the Five Man Electrical Bad." i.e.,

..."Sign, sign, everywhere a sign
Blockin' out the scenery, breakin' my mind
Do this, don't do that, can't you read the sign?"

First - one nit. Here:


Quoted Text
EXT. PARK

Brad slurps coffee, shovels down half a meat pie, throws the
other half to Dog. Dog gulps it down, slurps water from a
nearby tap.

The park looks like a bomb hit it, save for an old creaky and
rusted, Roundabout.


I would reverse these two descriptive passages. i.e., The park... first and the "Brad slurps... second.

On to the story.  Solid writing for the most part.

Great opening visual.

I think it tends to drag a little about half way in because basically it's the same beat and we can see it play out before we read it. i.e., whatever he's doing, there's going to be a sign saying he can't and a ticket for his troubles. I think you can make it crisper by eliminating one or two of the ticket scenarios (I would nuke the dance club) and go montage on some of the other (i.e, I don't think you need full scenes - just Brad under or by the offending sign getting a ticket).  I think the framework should be something like:

Scene - ends with ticket

Scene - ends with ticket.

Montage of Brad getting tickets

Scene - ends with ticket.

I would have also liked at the end if Brad had made a paper bouquet out of the tickets he received when begging for the girl to take him back

I wasn't crazy about the violinist showing up out of nowhere. It kind of took me out of Brad's story.

Wasn't crazy about the abrupt ending with no closure on the sign issue. In the anti-sign song I referenced up front, the closing lyrics are:

"And the sign said, "Everybody welcome. Come in, kneel down and pray"
But when they passed around the plate at the end of it all
I didn't have a penny to pay
So I got me a pen and a paper and I made up my own little sign
I said, "Thank you, Lord, for thinkin' 'bout me. I'm alive and doin' fine"
  

I think something like that might work here - Maybe when Diane looks out the window Brad has made a  "I am sorry please take me back sign. " And Diane flashes him a sign back -something to the effect of - "please enter" or whatever. i.e., just to close the story on the theme of signs.

Anyway - just my ramblings - I did like the story.
  



My Scripts can all be seen here:

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Angry Bear
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Quoted from LC
Mark, I was hoping the repetition of events could work in favour of it being entertaining.  Similar to Groundhog/time loop stories.  He's thwarted at every attempt to just enjoy his day of 'freedom'.

In Groundhog Day, Murray has to figure out how to get out of this loop thingy. Brad doesn't. Murray's character is driven by a goal. Brad's just drifting from place to place.


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SimonM
Posted: September 4th, 2016, 3:56am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC


A cat?  Hmm, while I appreciate you're a feline fan - (I do like cats myself but never owned one, and gravitate towards mutts,) I can see a lot of problems with the cat actually taking direction. They tend to want to run their own show, if you know what I mean.


Thanks again for your thoughts.


7ou could have a big fat ginger puppet one!

Had another thought after I posted but lost internet connection (I'm writing this in Starbucks) - maybe more musicians could join in, not just the violinist, so it becomes a full scale band.

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LC
Posted: September 4th, 2016, 4:27am Report to Moderator
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https://youtu.be/DY_DF2Af3LM

The Elaine Benes dance. Seinfeld.

Okay, seems it's been so long I've forgotten how to embed. Anyone??

.........................

Pia! Thanks so much for chiming in on this one. It is about striking the right balance with comedy/drama and timing. I'm thinking maybe Dave's right about doing it fast i.e., montage - then adding more to the actual story.

Though I was trying to keep dialogue to a minimum I think your idea of Brad and Dog talking to one another is a good suggestion. I was deliberately vague about Brad's crime at home and implied it really was just a misdemeanor - petty, you know, his comment about 'nagging' is more to do with the usual battle of the sexes. I did clearly mention 'pissing in the wardrobe' - that often happens when drunk people mistake a certain room for the bathroom apparently. It's never happened to me btw.  

Really curious about what words you haven't heard of? I'm with you on the curb/kerb thing. I find I'm so influenced by U.S. usage sometimes I have to actually remind myself of my own usage. I noticed I put 'pint' in for beer where the actual Aussie term is 'schooner' - that's an influence which has come from my other half. Same with 'Off License' although that suited for my purposes of it not just being an alcohol outlet but also groceries. We call them Bottleshops here in Oz, and they sell nothing but grog, other than maybe a few chips, pretzels, cigarettes.

Oh, and you're spot on about Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. It did remind me that at the moment 'Brad' is mainly reactive in the story.

Thanks again for your comments. It all helps, lots to think about...


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LC
Posted: September 4th, 2016, 4:30am Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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Quoted from Warren
...What I did forget to say in my previous comment was that I can in fact see this getting made. It is a current and growning issue in Australia and in NSW inparticular.

Thanks for the vote of confidence, Warren. And yes, it is a big deal in Sydney. People up in arms over those lockout laws.



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