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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Dramedy Scripts  ›  The Magic of Coffee
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  Author    The Magic of Coffee  (currently 534 views)
Don
Posted: September 17th, 2017, 10:30am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Magic of Coffee by Dan Walker - Short, Dramedy - There's something peculiar about the coffee served in this coffee shop. 10 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Warren
Posted: September 17th, 2017, 6:10pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Dan,


Quoted Text
7.35AM.


Is this meant to be seen? If so it needs to be written as a super. SUPER: 7:35AM


Quoted Text
She’s
dressed as a lawyer.


How does a lawyer dress? Best just to say she's in a suit or something, then in the dialogue Leo says she is a lawyer anyway.


Quoted Text
The door opens up to notorious crime boss


How would we know this unless you told us?


Quoted Text
and did I mention
she’s so smoking hot?


Yes you did, so many times it's just overboard.

Got to about page five and started skimming. Not sure where the comedy or drama was.

SPOILERS - I think

Ten pages of a coffee shop owner introducing his customers and telling us what coffee they drink. It really doesn’t make for riveting subject matter.

Sorry but this one really wasn’t for me. I admittedly don’t drink coffee so maybe that’s the problem, but I doubt it.

All the best.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

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Dustin
Posted: September 18th, 2017, 1:49am Report to Moderator
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Wilhelm Steinitz

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I read the entire thing but couldn't figure out why the customers were changing into whatever they changed into. I love coffee... especially Ethiopian coffee. My favourite is what I like to call Elephant poo coffee. Don't know what it is about coffee grown in elephant poo but it tastes amazing. I don't drink it much these days because the price has gone so high.
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DanielW
Posted: September 18th, 2017, 6:23am Report to Moderator
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Warren & Dustin,

Thanks for your replies.

Elephant poo coffee? WOW!

O O
   L
   0
  
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JakeJon
Posted: September 18th, 2017, 10:27am Report to Moderator
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Hey Dan,
Not for nothing, I loved this one.  I'm thinking that any "real" coffee drinker might.

Oh, and did I mention, when I call it a day, I'm thrilled to know, that a beautiful, magical, get-me-going, cuppa java is a  Keurig  push button away.  

Of course, I would rather have the cup I use to purchase from Andre's cart on the corner of Park and 46th, every M - F  @ 7am, ten years ago, putting that "RED S" on my chest.  "Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound."

Still pretty special to be surprised by a great cup at some dingy northern NJ diner.

IMO:   Nothing wrong with a good  coffee, caffeine, generated fantasy.

Bravo,

JJ

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eldave1
Posted: September 18th, 2017, 12:18pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Dan:

Wanted to like this one, but it became a bit tedious for me. Same beat over and over and I didn't understand the character changes.

One nit - You make this grammatical error throughout.


Quoted Text
LEO
Morning Joel.


Need a comma before the name (Joel).


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Fausto
Posted: September 19th, 2017, 2:50pm Report to Moderator
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Dan,
attention to this "warmth to it’s simplicity. " I'm continuing on reading.
Best,
Fausto
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Fausto
Posted: September 20th, 2017, 8:20am Report to Moderator
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Dan, I like the idea of the coffee shop...coming from Italy, I can tell you that the Italians live for a cup (+) of coffee in a coffee shop, called "a bar" (barista is the man or woman who serves coffee). You should write about the conversations that the patrons of the coffee shop have with each other. This will create a good comedy and/or drama. I love the premise, only you have to work on it.
My best,
Fausto
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DanielW
Posted: September 20th, 2017, 11:21pm Report to Moderator
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Fausto,
Appreciate the feedback.
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Gerlinde
Posted: September 26th, 2017, 1:28pm Report to Moderator
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As far as I can say as a layman from Germany, the dialogues and the descriptions are good. Just what I miss is the storyline with turning points. So it's just an advertisement for a coffee shop. For example, would be a love story, a drama, even a comedy with impetus, plot point 1, midpoint, plot point 2 and climax.


Whoever has money buys a car. Whoever has no money dies in another way. - Fernandel, French Actor
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Don
Posted: September 28th, 2017, 10:24am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Let's keep the discussion in this thread about Dan's script.  I've move the Off Topic convo to a Coffee Shops and English Pubs thread.

Thanks!


Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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24 Grams
Posted: October 14th, 2017, 8:38am Report to Moderator
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Me? I always tell the truth...Even when I lie.

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Hi Dan,

I've got to say I didn't like this very much. I found too many problems with it, some already mentioned but here's some more:

1) This script is too tedious, 10 minutes of people buying coffee and character dialogue describing them? It wasn't enjoyable to read and I predict it wouldn't be enjoyable to watch.

2) One way to make this script more interesting I think, is to reduce the amount of characters. The mobsters, Todd, Felix and Joel...all of which who add nothing to this script. They can still be in the script, but we don't need to know their names or the coffee they drink, you can just show them thanking him as they leave.

3) I get you were trying to show that the customers knew Leo and that Leo knew them, but does a person's name need to be mentioned every time someone is spoken to? It just sounds unnatural to me.

4) Page. 1 "Outdated room. Outdated furniture." this is too abstract, outdated furniture to one person could be something completely different to another...you need to be more descriptive. Instead of saying "Outdated room. Outdated furniture." Say "A vintage coffee table, a beaten sofa lies to the corner, most of it's colour has faded" etc.

"Standing behind a counter is LEO (30). Italian descent..." How would a viewer know he was of Italian descent?

The dialogue by Leo on this page is just "filler" and has no subtlety. For example:

"For me, coffee is another
word for love. I�m so passionate
about it."


This doesn't do much for me, it's much more potent if you show his passion. Show a customer waiting a little longer than usual for their coffee, show him taking absolute care in his preparation , show him sniffing the aroma of the coffee when a cup is made etc.

The concept was good though.



Back Fence Talk (22pgs)

Robert Frost - “Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can’t, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.”
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