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I read the entire thing but couldn't figure out why the customers were changing into whatever they changed into. I love coffee... especially Ethiopian coffee. My favourite is what I like to call Elephant poo coffee. Don't know what it is about coffee grown in elephant poo but it tastes amazing. I don't drink it much these days because the price has gone so high.
Hey Dan, Not for nothing, I loved this one. I'm thinking that any "real" coffee drinker might.
Oh, and did I mention, when I call it a day, I'm thrilled to know, that a beautiful, magical, get-me-going, cuppa java is a Keurig push button away.
Of course, I would rather have the cup I use to purchase from Andre's cart on the corner of Park and 46th, every M - F @ 7am, ten years ago, putting that "RED S" on my chest. "Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound."
Still pretty special to be surprised by a great cup at some dingy northern NJ diner.
IMO: Nothing wrong with a good coffee, caffeine, generated fantasy.
Dan, I like the idea of the coffee shop...coming from Italy, I can tell you that the Italians live for a cup (+) of coffee in a coffee shop, called "a bar" (barista is the man or woman who serves coffee). You should write about the conversations that the patrons of the coffee shop have with each other. This will create a good comedy and/or drama. I love the premise, only you have to work on it. My best, Fausto
As far as I can say as a layman from Germany, the dialogues and the descriptions are good. Just what I miss is the storyline with turning points. So it's just an advertisement for a coffee shop. For example, would be a love story, a drama, even a comedy with impetus, plot point 1, midpoint, plot point 2 and climax.
Whoever has money buys a car. Whoever has no money dies in another way. - Fernandel, French Actor
I've got to say I didn't like this very much. I found too many problems with it, some already mentioned but here's some more:
1) This script is too tedious, 10 minutes of people buying coffee and character dialogue describing them? It wasn't enjoyable to read and I predict it wouldn't be enjoyable to watch.
2) One way to make this script more interesting I think, is to reduce the amount of characters. The mobsters, Todd, Felix and Joel...all of which who add nothing to this script. They can still be in the script, but we don't need to know their names or the coffee they drink, you can just show them thanking him as they leave.
3) I get you were trying to show that the customers knew Leo and that Leo knew them, but does a person's name need to be mentioned every time someone is spoken to? It just sounds unnatural to me.
4) Page. 1 "Outdated room. Outdated furniture." this is too abstract, outdated furniture to one person could be something completely different to another...you need to be more descriptive. Instead of saying "Outdated room. Outdated furniture." Say "A vintage coffee table, a beaten sofa lies to the corner, most of it's colour has faded" etc.
"Standing behind a counter is LEO (30). Italian descent..." How would a viewer know he was of Italian descent?
The dialogue by Leo on this page is just "filler" and has no subtlety. For example:
"For me, coffee is another word for love. Iï¿½m so passionate about it."
This doesn't do much for me, it's much more potent if you show his passion. Show a customer waiting a little longer than usual for their coffee, show him taking absolute care in his preparation , show him sniffing the aroma of the coffee when a cup is made etc.