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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Dramedy Scripts  ›  Death by Cornbread
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  Author    Death by Cornbread  (currently 424 views)
Don
Posted: March 23rd, 2018, 5:36pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Death by Cornbread by Gina York - Short, Dramedy, Dark Comedy - Bickering interlopers must put aside differences and chose the lesser evil: evacuate their New York apartment to objectionable locations, or face extermination by an assassin. 41 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work


Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  May 6th, 2018, 9:33am
revised draft
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Flossy Freeman
Posted: April 7th, 2018, 9:45am Report to Moderator
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Sooo.... due to March Madness competition going on here, a lot of us newbs didn't get any comments.  

UPDATED 4/14/18 ---

The version below will be the final one to be posted on SimplyScripts:

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Z8SrOCxPtOfKGHRIkBX_zyleBcDXTeqf/view?usp=sharing

Revision History (1 edits)
Flossy Freeman  -  April 14th, 2018, 11:08am
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Gerasimos
Posted: April 7th, 2018, 10:02am Report to Moderator
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half way there, you'll have mine by tomorrow!


Features:
KTT PART ONE: THE POLAR CABAL
NIHILUM - A LORD OF THE RINGS STORY
EGEND

SHORTS:
LOST SOULS



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HyperMatt
Posted: April 7th, 2018, 1:47pm Report to Moderator
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That's a great title!


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Flossy Freeman
Posted: April 14th, 2018, 10:48am Report to Moderator
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Thanks !  The story is even better, now - thanks to Gerasimos who's kept me focused the past week.
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eldave1
Posted: April 16th, 2018, 10:33am Report to Moderator
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Hell, Gina: I gave the first ten a read.

Sorry - it wasn't really for me - too chaotic I think. But that surely may be a taste thing as well as an age thing (I'm an older fok).

A couple of real nitty issues:


Quoted Text
SUPERTITLE: "New York City 2017" projected on what appears to
be a 12'x 12' scrim.


Scrim is a bit unknown. Had to google it - maybe just me.


Quoted Text
Sunrise casts BLURRED SHADOWS of THREE adult males. GRAND
MÁS the group's ELDER, spins his pencil-thin mustache and
wears modified Steampunk goggles. TARDIS, 73, and
JABBERWOCKY, 30, remain in the shadows.


A bit confusing - they're blurred by shadows - yet we are getting precise descriptions of Grand Mas.


Quoted Text
FANCY FREEMAN (NARRATOR)
("Fancy" by Reba McEntire)
"I remember it all very well
lookin' back it was the summer I
turned eighteen. We lived in a
one-room rundown shack.... "


Is this being sung or recited?

Like I said - nitty issues.

Macro observations:

You use unfilmabes throughout. e.g.,

Jabberwocky is youthful in years, but an injury to his ego
left him a timid cripple who is oft afraid of his own shadow.

He bites his nails, looks at the floor, and paces

DORCAS, 21, enters the hallway in manic mode. He's a
vivacious good-looking male of Irish descent, complete with
freckles, sky blue eyes, a ginger mop, and a skip in his step
that bounces his curlies in unison. He lived in the South as
a yoot and developed a very peculiar dialect.


Tardis built layers surviving extreme famine and intense
pressure by his ability to adapt. Rumor has it he's even
been to space. He and Rock-N-Roll Widow were once an item.


SEARCHER, 40, a soldier, dressed in all black, presses his
ear against the front door. He is a perceived to be sneaky
because he knows where all the bodies are buried, but more
importantly, how they got there.


Now - you obviously are technically skilled so your use of them is purposeful. For the most part I think they work - cleverly written and vivid. But IMO they're a bit wasted. As an example:


Quoted Text
He is a perceived to be sneaky
because he knows where all the bodies are buried, but more
importantly, how they got there


Is clever. Why not get it into the film? - i.e., thru dialogue. e.g.,

GRAND MAS
where's Searcher?

JABBEROWCKY
Sneaky fuck, knows where all the bodies are buried.

GRAND MAS
More importantly - how they got there.

Not that exactly - but the point being some of your best writing is in the unfilmables and I think you should find a way to get it into the film.

To my ear - Grand Mas, Dorcas and Searcher's voices tend to  blend together - although I'm sure it's purposeful - it's hard to distinguish them character wise as one reads.  Everyone is kind of over the top/on steroids here which to my ear kinds of makes them blend together. Like having three deadpool characters in one film.

Again - just my thoughts. See what others think. I do think you have talent - the story is just not my cup of tea.  




My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Flossy Freeman
Posted: April 16th, 2018, 12:14pm Report to Moderator
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First, and most importantly, having three Deadpool characters in one film would be the shit! . Your other comments, however, were spot on and I appreciate them very much!  I will definitely incorporate in next revision and clarify where possible.  Thanks again! Gina
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eldave1
Posted: April 16th, 2018, 12:23pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Flossy Freeman
First, and most importantly, having three Deadpool characters in one film would be the shit! . Your other comments, however, were spot on and I appreciate them very much!  I will definitely incorporate in next revision and clarify where possible.  Thanks again! Gina


You're more than welcomed. Glad they helped.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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