Under The Blood Moon by Zackary Akers, Devin Clarke, and Sean Elwood - Short, Horror - When an unsuspecting couple stumble upon a terrifying blood ritual deep in the forest, an ancient malevolent presence forces them to flee for their lives. 6 pages  - pdf format

production: This is a proof-of-concept based on my feature screenplay The Potem. The goal is to shoot the POC early next summer, then use that to draw investors and prepare for the feature production the following summer. Have a long road ahead of us, but I'm excited to face the challenge.


Writer interested in feedback on this work

Thanks for getting this up and sharing the banner, Don. Much appreciated, as always.

I've got about ten months to make sure this short is as tight as possible. Any and all feedback is welcome.

Hey Zack, I read it.
Bear in mind the usual, just my opinion, take or leave etc.

Getting strong Race with the Devil vibes with this - (one of my fav classic horror films). A good thing. I always hoped for a sequel.

So, this is a proof of concept short you're making, right? Which means it needs to back a wallop.  

As written it ticks all the boxes for Horror tropes, including no cell signal, couple in love, car breakdown etc. That said as a POC it needs more to put it on the map, create a buzz, be innovative etc.

I do remember you said in your Logline review that your main characters had distinctive personalities, but here they don't follow - girl, extrovert/boy introvert. Are your prologue characters different? Luke covers Amber's mouth which is pretty by the book. Why not have Luke quivering, about to scream - she covers his mouth. Subvert the roles.

Is this essentially a Prologue to the feature film?

A small sedan speeds around a bend in the road, away from the glimmering lights of what appears to be a gas station
Get out of the habit of writing 'what appears to be' - on screen we'll either see a lit sign for Gas in the distance, or we won't, so no need to be coy about that, considering Amber mentions walking back there.

Have Amber do something interesting instead of just be eye-candy.
Amber lazily inclines against the vehicle, a natural beauty.

I really liked the line that followed 'no air in the spare:
'what spare'?  

I would have thought there'd be a bit of an argument but Amber just goes along with everything, including 'let's just cut through the woods.'

Do they conveniently really know these woods are a short cut to the cabin? They should at least go the wrong way, get turned around, then stumble upon the ritual.

Luke quietly pulls Amber back into the forest, towards the
sedan, back to safety.
...quietly pulls Amber back onto the trail, back the way they came. I wouldn't bother with mentioning safety.

AMBER
(scared)
Luke!? What is this!? What do they
want with us!?

Unless you're going with parody of all things Horror
I'd delete that line (above) as it's obvious she's (scared) and it's obvious from what they've just witnessed that their heads are on the chopping block for that very fact.

Just like GOT, you need to come up with some more authentic language for the chanting, more of the andagi, potem, etc.

Be conscious of how often Amber addresses Luke by name instead of in panic mode it would just be : What do we do!

Suddenly, the teenager emerges from the fog directly behind
Luke! He’s changed into something awful.Eyes black as death. Rows of wicked, sharp teeth. His bare chest, perversely mutated with a tentacle trying to break free from the left side of his rib cage. Pure fucking nightmare fuel.

Suggest something like:

Out of the fog something looms over Luke's shoulder...
You need to call him something other than Teenager imo.
Even 'kid' might come across as more effective, but now it's  quite simply a beast which is why Teenager POV detracts from your story as written.

Suggest something like:

He's morphed into a perversely mutated beast. Black eyes, teeth bared, a a tentacle snakes/or erupts from it's hollowed out ribcage/or chest cavity.

If you're going with the tentacle why not have it showcase -  snake around Luke's neck before it bites him?

Amber sprints at top speed through the fog, dead tree limbs
reach out, scratching, drawing blood. She doesn’t care.
A sprint is fast so no need to double up with 'at top speed' Sprints blind through the fog, stumbles over dead tree limbs, branches scratching, whipping her legs and face, drawing blood.
Delete She doesn't care.

Does this have to be six pages? Is this what's budgeted for?

Hey, mate, I gave this a read.

I read the feature awhile back so I had a quick look at my notes to refresh myself. The story has probably changed some since then, but I am wondering if this will still be a horror/comedy as listed on the feature or just straight horror as listed on the short? I guess the reason I ask is that if this is a POC for a horror/comedy you will probably want to showcase some of the comedy as well.

Anyway... I have to agree with Libby on many of her points and a few of them were pretty much what I said in the feature review.

The short is pretty stock standard horror and I agree that it would benefit from something that sets it apart. This feels like a standard horror film opening scene.

Having said that, I know you love your horror and I know you love your horror tropes... nothing wrong with that, but I will say that I think what will set this apart, if you want to go with the tropes, is a high-quality POC. With that in mind, do you guys have a budget you are working with? I'm quietly working away on my next film that I will be producing /directing and I need some high end special effects makeup and prosthetics and I can now say from experience that it is not cheap!

Looking forward to following along with this. I'll definitely hop on board if this turns into a crowd-funding exercise or two.

Good luck, gents!

Thanks for the notes, Libby! Right now we're looking at a budget of about 10K, but I'm hoping to raise a bit more before we start production. Can't say too much just yet, but I've got a few connections that are going to help us accomplish a lot more than I'd otherwise be able to afford.

Really appreciate all the notes! Gonna help a ton with tightening this thing up.

"As written it ticks all the boxes for Horror tropes, including no cell signal, couple in love, car breakdown etc. That said as a POC it needs more to put it on the map, create a buzz, be innovative etc."

Totally understand where you are coming from. I think what makes the feature innovative(IMO) is its unique structure, pacing, and it's unpredictability, which is extremely hard to get across in a short. My goal with this is more just to prove to investors that we are more than capable of making a competent throwback horror film.

"I do remember you said in your Logline review that your main characters had distinctive personalities, but here they don't follow - girl, extrovert/boy introvert. Are your prologue characters different?"

The initial draft of this was 10 pages. Cut a bunch of dialog and an extended attack sequence in an attempt to keep this tight and budget-friendly. No excuse for poor characterization though. We'll get that fixed.

"Luke covers Amber's mouth which is pretty by the book. Why not have Luke quivering, about to scream - she covers his mouth. Subvert the roles."

Love this idea!

"Is this essentially a Prologue to the feature film?"

No. I would describe it more as an elevator pitch in short film form.

"Do they conveniently really know these woods are a short cut to the cabin?"

They aren't cutting through the woods to go to the cabin. They are cutting through the woods to head back to the gas station briefly seen at the start. I'll see if I can't adjust this and make it more clear.

"Unless you're going with parody of all things Horror
I'd delete that line (above) as it's obvious she's (scared) and it's obvious from what they've just witnessed that their heads are on the chopping block for that very fact."

Definitely not going for parody. I'll cut that line.

"Just like GOT, you need to come up with some more authentic language for the chanting, more of the andagi, potem, etc."

I'm still torn on the chanting aspect. It's something new we added for the POC. Might end up cutting it out altogether. If we do keep it, the dialog that's there now is purely a place-holder.

Agreed that we need to give the Teenager a name, even if the audience never learns it.

"If you're going with the tentacle why not have it showcase -  snake around Luke's neck before it bites him?"

Hmm. Good idea! Feel dumb for not thinking of that. The tentacle growing out of his ribcage is a recent addition, one I like, but one that might need to be cut for budget reasons.

"Does this have to be six pages?"

I'd honestly prefer it be even shorter, if possible.

Thanks for taking time out of your day to read this and leave me feedback, Libby. It's extremely helpful and is going to help us a ton.

What's up, Warren! How've you been, dude? Thanks for giving this a look.

"The story has probably changed some since then, but I am wondering if this will still be a horror/comedy as listed on the feature or just straight horror as listed on the short? I guess the reason I ask is that if this is a POC for a horror/comedy you will probably want to showcase some of the comedy as well."

Yes, the feature is still very much a horror comedy. This POC is meant to be as well, but I really struggled to get the comedy aspect across here. I tried with so of dialog, but clearly, it's not enough.

"Having said that, I know you love your horror and I know you love your horror tropes... nothing wrong with that, but I will say that I think what will set this apart, if you want to go with the tropes, is a high-quality POC. With that in mind, do you guys have a budget you are working with?"

That's my thinking as well. Really have to produce a great looking short that captures the tone and atmosphere I want for the feature. I believe we've got a great team in place to make that happen. Looking at a minimum budget of 10K, though I hope to raise more in the coming months.

"I'm quietly working away on my next film that I will be producing /directing and I need some high end special effects makeup and prosthetics and I can now say from experience that it is not cheap!"

Yeah, it's definitely not lost on me how important it is to get some great practical effects in this. I'm feeling very lucky to have the connections that I do. Have a very talented artist who loves what we are trying to do with this and wants to be a part of it. He's giving us a helluva good deal. Like I said, I'm feeling very lucky right now. Feels like everything is falling into place for me.

"Looking forward to following along with this. I'll definitely hop on board if this turns into a crowd-funding exercise or two."

I'll be sure to keep you updated. And thanks, dude. I'd only be comfortable with you investing in this if you truly believed in me and my vision for this project. The feature version is still a ways off, so there's no need to commit to anything just yet.

Not sure if we're going to take the crowdfunding route with this. It's an option, but one I'd only pursue as a last resort. We're very confident that if we knock this POC out of the park that we'll be able to draw some serious investors.

Thanks again for reading, man. I always love hearing your opinion.

Is the budget the most you hope to spend without a clear idea of what it would cost or with a clear idea of what it would cost?

If you guys have people lined up that will do the work for decent rates that's great, but otherwise, for what you have in those 6 pages I think you will struggle with a 2k budget. Not saying it's impossible by any means but obviously a POC is selling a product so you really don't want it to look bad.

I read it as if I was going to produce it and these are the thoughts that went through my head:

- Decent car scenes will require a car mount. Will either need to hire one or pay a grip who has one.
- Everything is a night scene so to make it look good, you will need good lighting which is always harder at night.
- 5 x red clocks + 5 x red Masks = a bit of money on props (does it need to be five?)
- A savage wound implies that we see the wound = SFX makeup $$$
- Lots of blood = $$$
- Will definitely need a gimble. Hire or have a grip that has one.
- The faceplant will require some kind of stunt setup.
- Will need a fog machine.

Quoted Text Eyes black as death. Rows of wicked, sharp teeth. His bare chest, perversely mutated with a tentacle trying to break free from the left side of his rib cage. Pure fucking nightmare fuel. Horrified, Amber watches as the teen lunges forward and bites down on Luke’s neck, rips out a gnarly chunk! Blood splashes all over Amber as she screams out in terror. The teen drags Luke to the ground with another bite to the neck, shakes his head, tears flesh. Luke tries to scream, but chokes on blood instead.

- SFX makeup and prosthetics?
- Amber running and getting scratched - More SFX

So it all adds up super quick.

For my next film I have an on-set SFX makeup artist for 4 days. She is also making me one pretty small lifelike prosthetic and I know the 4 days + prop alone are pretty pricey.

Having said all that I've made a total of one film and have another on the way so I don't really know anything. Literally just going off my experiences over the last 12 months.

We must have been typing at the same time haha.

So just disregard most of my last post. 2k minimum, gotcha!

It all sounds very promising then and with an artist already on board you're smiling!

Looking forward to seeing the updates as they come.

You've got a lot more experience than I do, dude. I'm super grateful for all the advice you can give me.

We don't have a clear idea of exactly how much this POC is going to cost just yet. Waiting for our production manager to return from a shoot she's on, then we're gonna sit down and hash all that out.

I'm very confident in the team we are putting together. They've got a ton of combined experience, and they all LOVE the feature, which is extremely important to me.

I'm less confident in the POC script. I like what we've got here, but I know it can be better. Just have to figure out how to improve it while still keeping it affordable. Couldn't be more thankful for the notes you and Libby have given me.

"5 x red clocks + 5 x red Masks = a bit of money on props (does it need to be five?)"

No, it does not. We had there be 5 cultists so the chanting would be more dynamic, if that makes sense. But, I might just cut the chanting altogether and switch it back to only 3 cultists.

Thanks again, dude. You've both given me a good bit to think on.

New draft up. Thanks, Don. Utilized a lot of the feedback I got from both Libby and Warren. I believe this draft does a much better job of capturing the comedic tone of the feature version.

What can I say, Zack...

Brings new meaning to the word: dickhead.  

Reads much smoother.

Quoted from Zack New draft up. Thanks, Don. Utilized a lot of the feedback I got from both Libby and Warren. I believe this draft does a much better job of capturing the comedic tone of the feature version.

Ok. So I’m going to go back and read the new draft. The first one was way leaning toward horror with no comedic element (which I was praying for). All that chanting was way too spooky for me! Oh BTW, digging that new logline  

Quoted from LC Brings new meaning to the word: dickhead.

  

Thanks for taking another look. Happy you think it's a step in the right direction.  

Quoted from kcranford All that chanting was way too spooky for me!

You should be happy then, cuz I cut out most of the chanting. Definitely made an effort to pump up the comedy. Don't wanna spoil the surprise though.  

Thanks, BTW, for your help with the logline.  

severed dick to the face   classic Zack.

As a proof-of-concept for a larger story I think this is really good. Full of gore and spooky cultists.

Personally I would find a better way for them to be wandering through the woods, the flat tyre seems cliche but that could be what you were going for.

Not sure how much you are towing the line between comedy and horror, but something like they pulled over to go foraging for magic mushrooms, come across a mushroom called Phallus impudicus (it looks like a dick) and the dude jokes around trying to get Amber to eat it and slaps it in her face (foreshadowing the real dick to the face later   )

Anyway, my 2 cents are in.

Best of luck in producing this Zack, it's a brave step and I can't wait to see the final result