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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Romantic Comedy Scripts  ›  Heartbeat
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SimplyScripts
Posted: January 12th, 2017, 7:07pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Heartbeat by Anthony Cawood - Short, Romance - A florist is asked to help connect an unrequited lover with the object of his affection, with unexpected results. 7 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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eldave1
Posted: January 13th, 2017, 8:22pm Report to Moderator
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Anthony - format wise, etc - all solid. One nit here:


Quoted Text
diffident


I had to Google this to find out what it meant. Maybe it's just me, but I would certainly use a more common adjective.

SPOILERS

I was not in love with the story as is. Pretty easy to tell that Maisy was the the object of Derin's affections from the get go and that he was going to do something akin to what he did in terms of the daffodils.  So, I was kind of expecting a twist given how the expected ending was so clearly foreshadowed.  i.e., it didn't really have a punch for me. Now - had the flowers been for Karen - that would have surprised me





My Scripts can all be seen here:

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AnthonyCawood
Posted: January 15th, 2017, 10:24am Report to Moderator
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Hey Dave, thanks for the read, appreciated.

What, you mean u don't use diffident in daily conversation?

I'm working on an alternate version of the script that goes in a different, darker, direction, this is the straightforward one that plays more 'normal'... quite like the idea that it's Karen

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-scripts
Produced screenpays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/my-films
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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eldave1
Posted: January 15th, 2017, 10:52am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from AnthonyCawood
Hey Dave, thanks for the read, appreciated.

What, you mean u don't use diffident in daily conversation?

I'm working on an alternate version of the script that goes in a different, darker, direction, this is the straightforward one that plays more 'normal'... quite like the idea that it's Karen

Anthony


Cool - I'll look for it


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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RonH
Posted: January 15th, 2017, 2:18pm Report to Moderator
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Anthony,

I enjoyed this short. It's simple and sweet, and I'm fine with that. The payoff involving Maisy's beat count works well. I wonder if your one line about boredom, and Maisy's sad sack appearance is enough to convey her sense of loneliness?  Also, since Maisy doesn't recognize him, are we to assume Derin has been admiring her from a distance this whole time?

As for a darker take: I like the idea of a dark tale set in florist shop., (blood on white roses type of thing), but I don't think this is the piece for it. I'd start from scratch and see what you come up with.

My best,
Ron
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Marcela
Posted: January 15th, 2017, 2:41pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Anthony, I really love your writing style. Love the gentle humour that you seemingly carelessly throw in. e.g. different but scruffy, unseasonal greetings etc. Loved the Maisy versus Karen conversation!
However, I ended up confused. Has Derin's unrequited love always been Maisy, or was it somebody else initially but he moved his focus to Daisy? Maybe it doesn't matter which one it is.
I quite like the solution with the daffodil bulbs. It sounds like typical bloke's solution to the problem!


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: January 15th, 2017, 9:01pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Ron - thanks for taking a read, glad you liked it... I might expand on her loneliness a little, make her reaction deeper. The darker piece starts in the same place but goes somewhere else... well it will eventually.

Hi Marcela - Again, glad you liked, and delighted the style works for you. Re Derin, intentionally ambiguous so as to let the audience make their own minds up.

Thanks both

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-scripts
Produced screenpays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/my-films
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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MarkItZero
Posted: January 16th, 2017, 11:20pm Report to Moderator
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I liked it even though it was predictable. It was refreshing to read something for once that just played out in simple fashion with no backstabbing/double-crossing/zombie-robot-alien twist.

I did know basically right away he was getting the flowers for Maisy. Maybe Derin could enter the shop with another woman (who we assume is his girlfriend). She goes to the backroom with Karen to get something she ordered. Meanwhile, Derin has his whole talk with Maisy about buying flowers, which we assume is for the woman.

The next day, Maisy is kind of depressed as she's opening the package saying "all the good one's are taken". Then Karen mentions it was Derin's sister in the shop yesterday, just as Maisy opens the package and does the heartbeat thing.


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Pete B. Lane
Posted: January 17th, 2017, 11:45am Report to Moderator
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Arr, he'll be dancin' for hours

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This is a pleasant enough tale, though I felt it needed something more to connect Derin and Maisy. The brief conversation falls a bit short of satisfying, though I did like the dialogue.

My issue with the use of 'diffident' here is that it's unfilmable. How do we see that he's shy? If there is something in his body language, posture or behavior (perhaps with passers-by) that shows this then you should write it.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: January 17th, 2017, 4:50pm Report to Moderator
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Mark/Pete - thanks for taking a read, appreciated.

Mark - Yep, perhaps I could expand a little, but couldn't easily do the woman with him scenario as it might look a little off if he then starts going on about unrequited love... but def room for something additional.

Pete - diffident, I think it gives the producer and actor a general sense of Derin which can be worked with, would it be better with a specific action or something, maybe... I'll consider when I get to the re-write.

Many thanks

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-scripts
Produced screenpays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/my-films
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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KHV
Posted: January 17th, 2017, 10:53pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this story. Short, simple, and sweet. I don't mind that it's predictable because I think it's a great start, especially since it's easy to film. The ending makes up for it in my opinion of the heartbeat. Like the others, I would prefer more depth to their relationship. It was never clear on whether they actually had history or were meeting for the first time.

I know you're interested in a darker twist, but I'll be the weirdo and tell you not to do it. A happy, sweet story is rare nowadays. You do you!
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: January 18th, 2017, 7:48am Report to Moderator
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Hi Kathy and thanks for the read, really appreciated.

The darker twist... well I actually intend to do that in a separate story, so this one would be stand alone, and then almost an alternative universe version would go somewhere very different.

Need to write it first of course

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-scripts
Produced screenpays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/my-films
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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khamanna
Posted: January 18th, 2017, 1:59pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Anthony,

This one is a bit simple to my taste. I did appreciate the heartbeat thing - that was nice. But I do think it needs a bit more than that to make us care about the characters.

Reminded me of a jameson first shot winner:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ns1OLcnXb7w&feature=youtu.be
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: January 18th, 2017, 7:24pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read Khamanna, really appreciated.

Agree, it's simple and straightforward but I agree re caring more, I'll see if there's a way to develop that a little.

Thanks

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-scripts
Produced screenpays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/my-films
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Kirsten
Posted: January 19th, 2017, 8:11am Report to Moderator
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Hi Anthony, I liked this, a sweet little tale... the heartbeat counting at the end tied it together nicely...
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