Just finished reading, and I didn't hate the concept, it was a bit too broad for me.
Most of the writing felt like you were just trying to get from point A to B without any nuance. I never really felt any of the character motivations.
Also, some of it felt very redundant. For example you have:
Francis is stunned for moment he is speechless.
We know he is speechless, you just told us he is stunned. Lots of repetition like that throughout.
Formatting is good, although I don't like the title and email address at the top of each page.
Personally, if you're thinking about a second draft, I would delve into what makes the characters who they are and let the narrative build from there. Just my two-cents.