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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Woodland Girl
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  Author    Woodland Girl  (currently 470 views)
Don
Posted: February 5th, 2017, 6:08pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Woodland Girl by Simon Parker - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - Finding a magical fairy in the woods, a lonely man brings her home and must save her from an evil witch who's here to steal her magic.  15 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  February 19th, 2017, 9:46am
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RichardR
Posted: February 7th, 2017, 5:51pm Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

There are some problems with the English.  I don't know how old you are or where you live, but you need to work a bit harder on standard English.

The dialogue is what some would call 'on the nose'.  It's simply too direct.  You might read some good scripts and study how those writers handle dialogue.  Many characters don't speak directly or honestly.  Lies are frequent.

The story itself needs a bit more crafting.  The fairy seems far too willing to go with Francis.  The evil witch shows up without real reason.  You might try outlining this on paper to determine why these characters do what they do.  

Best
Richard
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Digitaldecayfilms
Posted: February 15th, 2017, 4:53pm Report to Moderator
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Hello Simon,

Just finished reading, and I didn't hate the concept, it was a bit too broad for me.

Most of the writing felt like you were just trying to get from point A to B without any nuance.  I never really felt any of the character motivations.

Also, some of it felt very redundant.  For example you have:

Francis is stunned for moment he is speechless.

We know he is speechless, you just told us he is stunned.  Lots of repetition like that throughout.

Formatting is good, although I don't like the title and email address at the top of each page.

Personally, if you're thinking about a second draft, I would delve into what makes the characters who they are and let the narrative build from there.  Just my two-cents.

Thanks!
Brian


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