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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Brainlift
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  Author    Brainlift  (currently 72 views)
Don
Posted: November 12th, 2017, 4:51pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Brainlift by Luke Mepham - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - A Man has to go into the comatosed mind of a Young Girl to bring her back to reality in 2025. 7 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Marty
Posted: November 13th, 2017, 1:45pm Report to Moderator
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Luke,

Congratulations on finishing your screenplay.

Just a few thoughts, opinions and suggestions.

Have you considered giving the young woman and young man names? They are your focal characters and are in the entire story. Names might help. Just my opinion.

On page 1. The young woman's description.
Incredibly attractive. So beautiful
-Same thing. If we are talking solely about her looks. I'd keep it simple and pick one. Just my opinion.

I liked the dialogue up until about the time doctor (Robert Salaway) was mentioned.
It was honest and flowed before this. Then it felt forced for a little bit.

I'd remove this at the end of your script,
lukemepham1988@hotmail.co.uk
Started and completed on 10/10/2017

Overall, I thought it was a nice story that started off really strong and faltered about halfway through. Definitely fixable.
I think you have a good foundation for your story and with a little reworking and rewriting it could be even better.
Keep going with it.

I hope some of this helps.

Best of luck with your current and future projects.

All the best,
Marty
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