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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  To Be A Dog
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Don
Posted: December 3rd, 2017, 6:16pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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To Be A Dog by Rimgaudas Kiliulis - Short, Sci Fi Fantasy - Hooked on the idea of visualizing dog smells from brain implants, a programmer starts to see smells when he stops treating his dog as a test subject. 21 pages

contest: Fantastic Planet Film Festival's 2015 short screenplay competition finalist - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Marty
Posted: December 3rd, 2017, 8:05pm Report to Moderator
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Rimgaudas,

Just a few opinions, observations and suggestions for you.

I would lose to logline and synopsis. It is unnecessary in a screenplay.

Watch your sluglines.
Example:
EXT. ALIEN WORLD - MORNING.
-Would be just fine as,
EXT. ALIEN WORLD - MORNING
-I wouldn't use the following,
EXT. ALIEN WORLD - MORNING. DOG’S POV.
-I would use the DOG'S POV in the action line. The DOG'S POV is telling us our vision, what eyes we are looking through, not our location.

Don't reference things like this,
The sight is reminiscent of an impressionist
painting:http://www.theartstory.org/images20/works/i
mpressionism_2.jpg?1
-If someone prints out your screenplay, how can they open the hyperlink? You describe the painting. Nothing else is necessary unless it is a painting like the Mona Lisa that everyone would likely know.

Parenthetical use.
-You use them a lot to describe action. I would recommend trying to write some of them as action lines instead.
Example:
CLERK
(sits)
I already know from your project.
-Could easily be written as,
The clerk sits.
CLERK
I already know your project.

Best of luck with your current and future projects.

All the best,
Marty
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Rimgaudas
Posted: December 14th, 2017, 12:50pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you Marty!
How could I mark non-human POV scenes which interchange with standard POV scenes?

Probably non-human POV scenes should created by computer graphics, animated or painted adding visualized smells. How to distinguish these scenes from the first glance in the script?

regards
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Marty
Posted: December 14th, 2017, 1:02pm Report to Moderator
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Rimgaudas,

It is perfectly acceptable to use POV's just not in the way you initially stated.

EXT. ALIEN WORLD - MORNING. DOG'S POV.
-should be,
EXT. ALIEN WORLD - MORNING
DOG'S POV
DAVE'S POV
POV
Really anyone's POV
Followed by your action lines. Depictions, etc.

I hope this helps to clarify more.

Note:
If you need a better visual, take a look at page eight of my short Turning under the short horror section.
I use a POV there that may help you understand better in the structure of a screenplay.

All the best,
Marty
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eldave1
Posted: December 15th, 2017, 8:58pm Report to Moderator
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Ringaudas:

In addition to Marty's comments....You need to learn the basics.

Here is your opening:


Quoted Text
EXT. NYC CENTRAL PARK - MORNING.

Dogs and their owns run by in the park.

Bryan (45) has an eagle nose with a moustache and is
wearing a large old-fashioned suit. He pulls a
poodle’s leash closer to the bench. The poodle plants
its feet down on the ground trying to resist but gets
pulled over by force.



Your first sentence is clumsy (what does "run by in" mean.  

DOGS and OWNERS should be capped.

Description of the scene is entirely lacking.

Characters should be capped when first intro'd. i.e., BRYAN.

mustaches is misspelled.

POODLE should be capped when it comes into view.

So, that's just the opening. You need to do a bit of research on script format and the like.

Best of luck.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Rimgaudas
Posted: December 16th, 2017, 4:12pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Eldave1, you are right, I lost Capps during rewriting...

Marty,
Regarding POV. I probably did not explain correctly. The example is the Predator movie with Hunter (Predator) POV marked in the scene heading. A first, unknown Altered POV changes to an Observer's POV
EXT. ALTERED P.O.V. - DAY  
EXT. OBSERVER'S P.O.V. - DAY
Later it becomes clear it is the Hunter's POV:
EXT. HUNTER'S P.O.V. - DAY
EXT. HUNTER'S P.O.V. OF SCHAEFER - DAY
EXT. HUNTER'S P.O.V. - JUNGLE - NIGHT
See: http://www.dailyscript.com/scripts/hunter.html

Is it a big mistake if I mark POV at the end of Scene heading instead of beginning?
EXT. ISTANBUL STREET - DAY. DOG’S POV.
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