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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Thriller Scripts  ›  C.I.E.D.
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  Author    C.I.E.D.  (currently 105 views)
Don
Posted: November 12th, 2017, 11:09am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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C.I.E.D. by Kavuma Mathew G.Q - Short, Thriller, Sci Fi - A couple welcomes a new member to the family but not the invasive visits from the company that made it all possible. 11 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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HyperMatt
Posted: November 13th, 2017, 4:37pm Report to Moderator
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This really built up well an eerie pristine atmosphere, with a good sense of  foreboding. it got increasingly tense up to the end of its 11 pages. And the Sci-Fi aspects should really work well on a low budget. Probably the most expensive part of this is going to be that 'trachea' scene, but I'm sure it can made to work well with some well angled shots, and lots of tomato puree!
This is a good character piece. You really give the actors a chance to express themselves, even old grandpa's voice on the phone. The montage through the years is nice and succinct.

Few Typos:
Pg. 1 '?' after Anything we should be worried about.

Pg. 2  That can be been done immediately - take out 'Done'.

Pg. 3 '?' after you a moment to sort this out.

Pg. 10  beisde her should be  ‘beside’ her.
We need to leave to now = take out second 'to'.


Good luck with it. I think it could make a really good short.
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Kavuma
Posted: November 14th, 2017, 5:18am Report to Moderator
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thanks for the read HyperMatt and for the corrections, i'll work on them ASAP!
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HyperMatt
Posted: November 14th, 2017, 8:00am Report to Moderator
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Sure. It's a good one.

Sorry, I made a typo on your typo

Pg. 2  That can be been done immediately - take out  'be'.
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eldave1
Posted: November 14th, 2017, 9:43pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
INT. OFFICE - DAY

We see a spotless white modern office, ambient light enters
from the large glass window with a terrace overlooking the
landscape.


Lose the we see. Not needed.

You don't need to repeat information that is in your heading (office) in your description.
Don't need to describe the light as ambient if it is coming thru the window - it's ambient by definition.

Should simply be something like:

INT. OFFICE - DAY

Spotless white and modern. Light enters
from the large glass window with a terrace overlooking the
landscape.



Quoted Text
Attached to the wall, a monogram logo in baby blue;

PaGan


Should be baby blue: "PaGan."


Quoted Text
ALEX TRENT, 30, tall, dress shirt with folded sleeves, khaki
pants and brown shoes, goes through his phone


Wouldn't bother with his shoe color - also maybe scrolls rather than goes through his phone

You have issue with basic grammar that you need to address. This from just the the first two pages.



Quoted Text
ALEX
They said 11am.


eleven A.M.


Quoted Text
SUSAN
My name's Susan, sorry to keep you
waiting, we had an emergency
meeting.


Run on sentence. Put a period after waiting. Start new sentence with We...


Quoted Text
KEREN
Anything we should be worried
about.


Need ? at end

Quoted Text
SUSAN
Oh no, nothing like that. So Mr.
And Mrs. Trent. You want to have a
baby.


Need ? at end


Quoted Text
ALEX
Yes, we already did the test, they
told us to come today and see if we
qualify.


period after test. Start new sentence with They...

Grammerly is a free tool you may want to try.

All the best.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Kavuma
Posted: November 16th, 2017, 6:55am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for pointing those out Eldave1 and for the tip. Am always looking to improve.
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eldave1
Posted: November 16th, 2017, 10:09am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Kavuma
Thanks for pointing those out Eldave1 and for the tip. Am always looking to improve.


My pleasure - best of luck


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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