Hernando Tellez's Lather and Nothing Else :: SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board

Hi Nick,

First I think this should be posted in Thriller or Drama. I can change this for you if you'd like? Let me know.

So, are you just writing this as an exercise?

I had a bit of a problem reading this cause from the bottom of page five it comes off as a stage play. By that I mean your description/action lines read as dialogue, or stream of consciousness, breaking the fourth wall (before you state it further on).

Those lines should be formatted either (to camera) or as Voice Over from the start - if you want to present this as a screenplay.

Example:
ENTER THE SCENE: You will see me, I AM THE BARBER...
You don't need 'enter the scene' btw.

This is normally where you would describe the scene (the Barber shop) and intro your character, The Barber, by way of giving him a physical description and age and anything specific re his 'character'. You actually have him introducing himself as I'm guessing it is done in the prose style of the original story.

You then proceed to describe how he feels, as it also is done in the story version:

I started shaking, he came in without a word, I started to shake.
That beard, it must be a four-days' growth of beard, His face looks
burnt, tanned by the sun, he's got this smell, the smell of blood,
it soaked on his clothes.

You need to incorporate those things (above) in description.

The Customer leaves, I sat down on that chair, relax a little bit,
Again, here: This sounds like dialogue, like I said. It's also past tense in part.
If conventional screenwriting this (above) would read something like:

The Barber waves goodbye to his customer, relaxes for a few seconds in a chair, before ...

And then add something like:

A strop hangs from a hook on the wall. With one hand the Barber pulls it tight, with the other hand he picks up the straight razor, sharpens it against the thick leather pelt.

Enjoying the ritual of sharpening the blade when -

THE DOOR OPENS, IT'S Torres. (No need for CAPS as he's already been introduced to us.

I'd suggest something like:
The door flies open, Torres bursts in.

Likewise this is the same. Action/description paragraphs written as dialogue coming from the character speaking out loud.

Have you ever heard of a show called Fleabag? The main character breaks the fourth wall constantly - it's part of her schtick. The thing is that's a comedy so I'm not sure for something as serious as this that it would work. That said the original work is told from The Barber's POV.

I started to work carefully on the soap, I scraped some slices from
the cake, I dropped them into the mug, adding some warm water and
stirred with the brush, the LATHER forms.

(Present tense in a script this would read something like:

The Barber works methodically, slicing flakes from a big bar of soap into a mug. He adds warm water, stirs it , works it into a thick lather.

Further up top you write:

CAPT. TORRES
What a great act, you must have been
good friends. Well, now we have a
winner. Corporal ?

Some odd choices of words. I feel 'what a great act' would read better as: 'what a noble sacrifice...' he is obviously being sarcastic here. Perhaps use the word: amigo?

The beginning with all the SUPER TITLES needs streamlining. I'd Fade In to that image of the long line of handcuffed rebels/revolutionaries, describe the landscape/environment, then Superimpose the written information you want to impart.

Write numbers out in full, especially in dialogue, four and fourteen instead of 4 and 14.

One guard, approaches the BOSS, this is CAPT. TORRES, aged man, with
the beard, which aged a bit, not unbecoming.

Lines like this need editing and grammar fixes made. Could you tell me what exactly you're trying to say here?

There are small errors throughout like this one:
...witness told me that one of you is the conspirator.

Witnesses or a witness told me that one of you is the conspirator.
Perhaps: I have it on good authority one of you is a traitor.

The people holds on to hope. They await for
DELIVERANCE.
This should be 'hold' not 'holds', and, await deliverance.

A firing party ?
Should probably be: a firing squad?

Would Torres say: Thanks, man. ? It sounds a bit too modern.

He walked towards the coat hanger, and puts on his jacket, and
straps the gun back onto his belt, adjusting it, he reaches into his
pocket, he takes out 5 Dollars, and gives it to me, and another 1
dollar tip. He walks towards the door, yet, he stopped for a moment, and turns
to me.

In screenplay format this would be written something like this with a few embellishments:

Torres wipes a hand over his face. The skin now baby-smooth. A satisfied smile on his face.
He puts on his jacket, straps the gun back onto his belt, then reaches into his
pocket.

He takes out five one-dollar bills, passes them to The Barber. Reaches into his pocket once more, places another one dollar bill into The Barber's hand, and smiles.

He walks towards the door, stops, turns.

You know, they told me that you would
kill me, I just came here to find out
if it was true.

Suggestion:
TORRES
You know they warned me you might slit my throat...

THE BARBER
I don't know what you're talking about, Captain.

TORRES
Of course not.

Torres chuckles.

The source material here is terrific, the suspense and touches of humour, there's a great moral to the story etc.

It needs another draft though. At the moment it reads like a hybrid of story and script and needs a lot of formatting adjustments.

I wasn't too fond of your inclusion of House of the Rising Sun, nor the Michael Douglas/Fatal Attraction analogy. I just don't think they fit with this story.

Finally, like I said the other day, keep at it!

I would like to read an original work from you, perhaps aim for under 10 pages.
Hope this helps.