Oney pay attention and you are in for a treat....

it's gotta good ending

My fav Jeff Bush script

Jeff-- send me the latest draft too.

Will

On its way now.  Hope you like it.

Hi Jeff,

So I finally was able to finish this last night.  Wow, man, really… this was absolutely impressive considering you wrote this as a 7 week challenge.  I was really engaged in the story and really was inching to find out what really happened.  I do have a few negative notes to throw out before I dive into what I liked.

Okay.  Jack seemed to really love Julie so I didn’t buy that a man who was so invested in his fiancé would cheat on her in Vegas.  That rang false to me.  To boot, I didn’t particularly care for him after that whole Vegas scene.  I actually really didn’t care if he found Julie because frankly Julie wasn’t that likeable either – she was a bitch and sometimes a mega bitch.

I guessed early on that Mitch was having an affair with Julie and/or that he even possibly had some involvement with her disappearance.  For example; he avoided Glenville and Addington (although this is purposely set up to work out your twist so no biggy but still gives the readers suspicion) and Mitch just didn’t seem all too worried about finding Julie or Jack’s well being – “I’m here for you, Buddy.”… Oh! Let’s pour another round! Lol.

That’s about it really.  I just didn’t care for Jack, Mitch, or Julie… sorry.  But poor Jack – you gave him quite the life!  Cheating bitch wife, missing wife, amnesia, dead son, feeling responsible for that dead son, coke head – oh my!

I loved the location.  You used what you could in your page count – nice array of what the island holds imo.  I’ve never been but hell you really sold Harrison’s Cave to me.  Geesh, it really does sound wonderful dude.  I really dig island life; I go to Maui once a year so I enjoyed your locations of Tiki bars, beaches, etc.

I really liked Addington and Glenville.  They had nice chemistry together and played well off each other.  I bought that they were colleagues, even friends.  They were fun to read.  Very nice moments you added with Addington’s mother btw.

Speaking of Mrs. Harewood – was she some sort of clairvoyant?  How did she know that Addington would find Julie that night?  

Harrison’s Cave – absolutely tense scene man!  Perfectly set up and written imo.

Pg. 95: Jack “Yeah, BUDDY…God, you know how much I fucking hate hearing you call me BUDDY all the fucking time?”

Ha thank god someone called out Mitch on all that buddy nonsense  

Mitch being dead was a nice twist.  Honestly, I didn’t see this coming.  It made perfect sense as to why she was avoiding Glenville and Addington or why the other officers didn’t see him go into the gully.  Good closure.

I’m really impressed with your writing Jeff – FTW, to your Oct OWC, to this – you’ve got skills man.  I want to read another feature from you.  Is there anything I’m missing on here?  Write another feature! Lol

Talk soon buddy,

ONEY

Hi Dreamscale. I thought it was only right that I should return a favor or 2 to your scripts.

1. CORBIN
Lena, I need medical over here, girl.
Got a man all roughed up.  Send an
officer, as well, please.

This line really sucks. Sounds like you forced the cr** out of it.  It could be better said like this.
Corbin
Lena, I gotta guy over here that needs medical help.  Send an ambulance right away!

Now doesn't that sound a whole lot better and a lot more precise?

2. My Mum taught me to
be well organized.

Your mum should've told you that mum is spelled Mom and it should be lower cased not capitalized.

3. Glenville speaks to much on the nose.  Have him loosen up a bit.

4. The best thing that I like  about your script is your action.  Not because it is highly interesting  or anything like that but because you wrote your action well. It's well written but it's not exciting at all.

Good day sir! Better luck next time.

Thank you, VA.  I appreciate the feedback very much.

And...that's how you accept criticism.

See Regular John there's a huge difference in what I said to Dreamscale and what he said to me.  I told him negative notations about his script but I also told him something positive about his script. He did not do this for me.  He only gave me negative comments and this is what makes me more mature at the end of the day. There's always something positive that could be said about somebodies craft even if you hate most of it.

Quoted from Vaproductions Your mum should've told you that mum is spelled Mom and it should be lower cased not capitalized.

Hey, VA. Good to see you giving feedback.

I'm pretty sure Barbados uses British-English so technically, Jeff is correct in using "mum". It doesn't seem like there's a difference when you say it, but trust me, there is.

Seems these arguments are jumping from thread to thread

Jeff, I owe you a read for your helpful notes on "He was the Enemy". Is this the latest draft up? If not can you send it to me at dan.treeboy(at)gmail.com.

You may as well send me a revised copy of 'Fade to White' while you're at it. I remember loving that one

Dan

In the interests of not wanting to incite a riot I deleted my comment.

Have downloaded Jeff's script on Dena's ringing endorsement and will return with my thoughts a little later.

Thanks, MO.  I was going to go into a few things like this and decided to just thank VA and move on.  You are definitely correct, though.

Dan, I'll send you latest drafts, but if you read these recently (from drafts I sent you), there's no difference.  Let me know with  PM or E-Mail.

Thanks guys!

Oney, you da man, brother.  Sorry for the delay in responding.

Thank you so much for reading and providing feedback.  I appreciate it.  Also, glad you enjoyed it.

I'll respond to some of your feedback in detail here.

You are not alone in your thoughts about the Vegas scene and cheating in general, but I do want to respond.  One thing to keep in mind is that this is the the earliest chronological event in the entire script (that is shown in detail).  you never once see Jack and Julie together before this so you really can't say how invested or not Jack is in his fiancee.

Now, one more thing I've said before, but feel like I have to again - believe it or not, peeps - both male and female - do things in Vegas and on Bachelor/Bachlorette Parties that they wouldn't any other time.  IMO, it does not make them bad people.  Also, keep in mind that Jack did not bring this on himself - Mitch set it all up and made it happen.  Jack was pretty much stuck in a situation that's almost impossible to say no to.

You're also not alone in not liking Julie, or even Mitch, for that matter.  I guess with Mitch, it's obvious why peeps wouldn't like him, but with Julie, I'm still not all that clear.  The Julie you see in the script has been through Hell and back again.  That doesn't make it right for her to be a "bitch", but it' been Jack that really caused all the problems, mostly which you don't see but do hear about.

One thing I really did want was the reader to "think" Mitch was the other man (which he definitely was).  It's a form of diversion, actually, in giving something rather obvious away, to distract from the real "secret".

I spent 7 or 8 nights on Barbados and it is a beautiful place.  All the locales are real, including Colina Del Mar - you can even see pics of it if you google it.  Glad you could visualize everything.

Also, very happy you liked Glenville and Addinton.  i like them too. Mrs. Harewood wasn't so much an actual clairvoyant, but she was teetering between life and death, and thus was able to "see" certain things.  The dragonflies were simply a way to meld the 2 worlds, so to speak, and introduce a supernatural element, that is made clear right near the end.

Thanks again , buddy.  I appreciate your words.  Let me know if I can help you out in any way.  

Hey Jeff,

Thanks for responding and clearing up some things.  Seriously, it's fantastic that you created this for a 7WC.

So I was enthralled on how you described the exterior of Harrison's Cave... I like architecture, etc.  and I was searching on instagram and found these really cool exterior shots of what you described in your script if anyone else was interested.  Gives you a better look this location and WOW man, haha... it's awesome.






And thanks Jeff - I might ask for help down the line if I run into trouble.  I haven't really decided what I'm going to be doing next for my next feature.  I appreciate the offer though.

ONEY

Flash Back City, that’s what this baby should have been called.  After finishing this, I think I was more disoriented than Jack himself.  Who can’t like a script where everyone just goes about getting plastered, coked up, and laid -- all on a tropical resort?  Sounds fun. . . and it might have been just that . . . but sadly I have to say I struggled through this pretty hard.  I liked the setting.  I could visualize everything.  I even pictured Jack and Mitch in flashy tropical clothes, with sunglasses, and straw-hats (of which there were none, but I pictured it anyway LOL).  The scenery was glorious, that’s for sure.

I just couldn’t get into the story.  I think I would have been more devoted to it if the whole affair/murder/mystery was totally excluded and we just went on a wild, drunken, cocaine-fueled ride with Jack and Mitch -- which we seem to get to an extent -- but that’s not the case, and we’re saddled with the Julie storyline.  Julie, a truly unlikable character, who our protagonist spends the entire story looking for.  Maybe I would like her a tiny tad if there were scenes where she actually tried to help Jack through his disastrous downward spiral, tried to patch up their marriage and heal things, but it seems the only thing she cared about was filling the empty hole in her life with Mitch’s big fat unforgettable penis.  Not cool. haha.

The final 5 pages is what really hooked me, when I realized Mitch had been dead the entire time and his image poofed into blue smoke and you knew he was supposed to be like the dragonfly.  That was great, really great.  I raced from there to see how it would all end. . . and thinking of the ending. . . I just don’t know.  I’ll have to ponder it more.  I’m not sure what to think of it.