The Followers by Mark Moore, Steve Clark and Mike Kospiah - Thriller, Horror - When a burnt-out cop tries to escape the horrors of city life by accepting a position as sheriff in a small town, he soon finds the idyllic facade hides an evil so sinister it threatens to tear everything he holds dear apart. 98 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey, guys - gave the first 20 a read. Overall, pretty riveting stuff.

Notes as I go:

The opening headers could give a bit more orientation location-wise. We have:

Quoted Text EXT. FOREST - NIGHT

And

Quoted Text LAKE NEWPANA

And I really don't know where we are. Africa? Appalachia? The swamps of New Orleans? Somewhere in West Texas? I'd add a SUPER or add more info in the slugs.

Quoted Text and takes a rope from her pocket. Ties one end to the cinder block.

I stumbled on the above - a rope in her pocket??? Got to be a pretty tiny rope to fit in her pocket - certainly not rugged enough/big enough to do the deed. Either already have the rope around her neck and tied to the cinder block as she first appears - or - have a rope wrapped around her shoulders or something.

She's also standing (chin high in water) when she drops the cinder block and it was hard for me to imagine with her feet planted on the ground that it would be enough force - Maybe consider having her move to a small cliff near the edge of the lake (so we don't know the depth), hold the block in her hand, then lean forward toward her plunge into the water.

I found the character names a little pedestrian (BILL, JAMES, JESSICA) - I think you could add a little pop here. I'd definitely would go with something like JIMMY rather than JAMES for the boy. I know it sounds silly. but the more unique the character names are, the easier it is to remember who's who as we read.

I thought the opening dialogue scene with Bill and Jessica was a bit on the nose. I think just a few minor changes would help - my suggestion:

Bill glances around. There's a lot to be done.

BILL
You're not wearing your ring?

JESSICA
Out being cleaned.

BILL
Jess... It's on the dresser.

Tension as Jessica unwraps dishes, doesn't lift her gaze.

BILL
It's time for --

Now she stops, looks him in the eye.

JESSICA
Time for what? Another affair?

BILL
It's been nearly a year...  And you shouldn't have moved out here with me
if you didn't wanna--

The Pysche leave discussion between Bill and Johnson seems a little inorganic. He's aksing him about things he theoretically already read in the report. PLUS - he is already hired - didn't they have a job interview where this would have come up??

Look, I love the Sheriff's voice here - you nailed it. I love the background story - the shooting of the woman and the flashback was great - there just has to be a more natural way to intro this topic. I dunno if I'm making sense - it was a hiccup for me.  Maybe:

BILL
What about me?

JOHNSON
Your Psych leave.

BILL
(confused)
All the info's in my profile. Pysch leaves' mandatory for all
Officer-involved shootings.

JOHNSON
A bit of bullshit there my friend. Pysch EVAL is mandatory. Pysche
leave is requested... Supposin' you tell me why you requested it.

Maybe - maybe not - I could be over thinking this issue

This:

Quoted Text ED This town has had it out for me ever since my Maggie passed. Natural causes, they said. But, there wasn't anything natural about it. JOHNSON Ed, please... Ed stands, gaining steam. ED They even tried to set me up, sayin' I raped a... (grits his teeth) ...school girl. JOHNSON It was dropped, Ed. ED A school girl...

Was a bit expositional/on the nose - Ed is telling Johnson stuff that Johnson already knows. I would either have Johnson provide this info to Bill on their way to Ed - (Something like - JOHNSON: This going to make a crazy man crazier. BILL: What do you mean?

Reading on - I see you handled it this way (Johnson telling Bill)  in the following scene - you don't need the info in the first scene with Ed - just have him ranting/raving -

Just meeting Michelle now. It doesn't bother me (But I am an old white male) - but so far most of your female characters are pretty mcuh defined by thier sexuality. That may be a warning flag in these days - look for more/different depth.

==================================================
I hope the above stuff helps - it may all be off the mark - but just thoughts I had as I was reading the first 20. I DO THINK YOU HAVE SOMETHING HERE. Got a cool vibe to it and if I had more time right now I certainly would be reading on.....

Dave,

Thanks for reading this far. Very much look forward to any further thoughts.

I’m regards to the exposition with Ed, my thoughts were that Ed had a new ear to speak into. Bill. So he was rehashing this traumatic stuff that he’s never been able to shake off, maybe even as somewhat of a warning. Make sense?

I don’t think you’re off the mark at all. These are all valid points, and I feel they should be addressed, especially the dialogue concerns.

Steve

Quoted from SAC Dave, Thanks for reading this far. Very much look forward to any further thoughts. I’m regards to the exposition with Ed, my thoughts were that Ed had a new ear to speak into. Bill. So he was rehashing this traumatic stuff that he’s never been able to shake off, maybe even as somewhat of a warning. Make sense? I don’t think you’re off the mark at all. These are all valid points, and I feel they should be addressed, especially the dialogue concerns. Steve

It does make sense.

Hey all,

Anyone in the process of reading this, or thinking about it, don’t bother just yet. I’m currently updating the draft on here. Already included some of your notes on dialogue and such, Dave, so immediate dividends right there.

Steve

Quoted from SAC Hey all, Anyone in the process of reading this, or thinking about it, don’t bother just yet. I’m currently updating the draft on here. Already included some of your notes on dialogue and such, Dave, so immediate dividends right there. Steve

Glad they helped = good luck!

Hey all,

A revised version of this is now up for anyone who would like to read.

I’d be willing to do a swap if you like.

Thanks again!

Steve

This is on my read list

Quoted from Matthew Taylor This is on my read list

Thanks, Matthew!

Ok - I wrote random things as I went along. Copied and pasted below. Hopefully something useful in all the crap I just wrote lol

Love the imagery of the first page. Especially the silence between her plunging under water and the thrashing of the legs.

Quoted Text KENNEDY What's with you? MULROY Job should've been mine.

more subtle?
(Final note: now I have read the script, this little setup didn't lead to anything, there was no more jealousy or consequences of Mulroy thinking he was done out of a job)

Hmm, big town cop moving to a small town station escaping from some kind of trauma while on duty seems a bit cliche. There's also no mystery to it, we hear the full details of the incident straight away.

Do kids smoke cigarettes to look cool still? Feels a bit outdated to me.

Quoted Text JOHNSON She got that rope around her neck, abrasions on her arms from lifting that cinder block over there. Went in the water... Done deal.

Who fished the cinder block out of the water?

Quoted Text She winks, snaps her gum and pops a bubble.

This and the smoking earlier, are we in the 90's?

Quoted Text SWEENEY I'm a man of God, Luna. He protects the righteous.

He literally just blasphemed lol

Do we need to be told he drank from his brothers cup and then immediately shown what that means via a flashback? Where's the mystery? The setup and payoff?

Now a pack of matches and a noogie? Alright we are deffo in the 90's now lol! joking aside, I have 0 experience of small town USA but is it really like a land that time forgot?

Sweeney killing his dad. why now?

Sweeney's suicide is a cool visual.

Why has Johnson killed himself now?

Quoted Text Mulroy rushes into the house. A moment passes, Mulroy exits,

he's already in the house, he kicked the door in and spoke.

Quoted Text BILL No. She's dead. She died in a car accident with my wife

Didn't he just go to the morgue to find her body? We don't need this is dialogue, similarly her next line of "Luna can't die" we don't need as we saw her rise up in the morgue ourselves.

Quoted Text BROOKE I wanted to. I couldn't let you go alone. And I don't know if you noticed, but there's a dead guy with his brains hanging out on the hood of the car and

Did he drive all the way from the hospital to the Church with a dead guy on his bonnet?

Quoted Text STEVE It's too late for that. Your father set all this into motion when he shot and killed that poor pregnant lady. James furrows his brow. JAMES How do you know about that? STEVE Why do you think your father's here, sport? (MORE) 85. That baby-killing piece of shit couldn't even get a desk job anywhere else. Then he gets hired as the new sheriff? Think about it. We're the reason he's here. And he's the reason-- (points to Jess) He's the reason you're here.

The audience can easily reach this conclusion on their own from what has come before. I don't think spelling it out like this is necessary.

Quoted Text BROOKE Mr. Downing, the body's gone--!

It was just described as being there, where did it go? Was Luna pretending to be a dead body? And how did the driver of the car not notice a body on his bonnet move mid-drive?

Quoted Text PERPETRATOR (O.S.) I'll kill this bitch right now! Bill spins, sees a MAN, dark hoodie, pressing a gun to the head of a PREGNANT WOMAN from behind.

This isn't the same as the flashback of the incident we saw earlier. Seems like it's meant to be.

Final Notes:

Loved the opening visual.

As this is listed as a Thriller/Horror I think I found a lot if it far too comedic than I was supposed to. Seem to get more comedic as it went on, culminating with a twice shot off dick and a headless body flailing around on a moving car, guiding an arm to a dagger.

Everything up until Lunas first transformation reveal I was onboard with and enjoying. (Added point, I would hold back on the complete Luna transformations until a big end reveal) after that, things seemed to go a bit nuts.

The car crash: The truck shedding its load seemed too coincidental, just at the point Luna revealed herself to Jess (added point, why did she wait until this most inopportune point to do this?)

So Luna is some kind of Satanist demon thing that feeds on the blood of unborn babies. It seems like her and her brother haven't been there long (previously living in Roanoke) so how did they convince others into the cult? I don't see at all what Steve/Johnson/Kennedy/the coroner get out of being a party to it, they seem to enjoy it so it's not out of fear, but I don't see much in the way of benefits.

I probably missed it but I have no idea why Sweeney suddenly decided to go and kill his dad and end his life. Johnsons sudden suicide also seemed out of the blue, guilt maybe? Although his dialogue just before didn't seem like guilt.

The attack or hallucination of the James-thing was also very random, nothing similar happened before or after, seemed just thrown in.

The showdown in the basement of the Church (I think you switch from calling it a Church to a Chapel at the end as well) played a bit odd, Luna knew he was coming and she has these great powers, yet he easily manages to shoot her straight away? I was hoping for something a bit more grand.

Anyway, enough of my nonsense.
Best of luck with it.

Ahoy, Gents

Ok..to your script here. Ignore or incorporate as you wish. For some reason, I kept thinking of Rosemary’s baby when I read this, Matt made some good points. I'm really just spouting thoughts off the top of my novice head so use any suggestion with discretion and a little skepticism?

Things I Liked:

I enjoyed reading this. You write in a very vivid, visual manner. Sparse. Like darts. Planting in the corkboard. And, I note that you break up different shots in your action/description lines very well.

The setup itself is an interesting opening.

I luv the banter between Brooke and James in the car.

I liked how you gents connected all the dots at the end as to why Bill ended up in Milltown-- it makes sense. So kudos for a nice little revenge plot. I just wished you had a cooler name for the town.

The third act was pretty chaotic - intense - so good on you. It would play well on screen methinks.

Things That Bumped Me:

Matt is right, this was more comical than it should have been which comes back to tone. I mean, the manner in which Sweeney decided to take his own life had me LMAO. and I'm just not sure it's the reaction you guys are going for or is it.  Cool kill scene, absolutely.

And there's this. I'm not quite sure what to make of Brooke having that box cutter in her hair, it's interesting how you guys revealed it, which was good, and in the end it serves its purpose but it almost feels contrived. Not saying that it is, don't ever think I've seen something like that before, so kudos, but -- in the end it just has to work and it does.

Also, why Sweeney decided to take his own life. I just didn't get it. Maybe I missed the boat on that one.

Um, Donovan sort of disappear from the story after he tells Bill he wants him to join them. What happened? Maybe kill him off, too. Just sayin'.

The reveal towards the end of the first act, where Luna and Sweeney are talking took out some of the mystery - the story becomes a bit more predictable after that, still you guys had a coupla more surprises, so fair enough.

Yep I know it's listed as a thriller/horror, but I definitely got more of horror/comedy vibe - just sayin'.

OK, that's all I got for now. Hope some of it helps.

I like what you gents have going here, just remember to be cognize of the overall tone you guys are going for. -A

Andrea and Matthew,

Thanks for reading! Been busy — always — but I will respond to your notes as time allows. Again, thanks for taking the time to check this out.

Steve

Hey guys and gals

Thank you for taking the time to read our feature

Yes, we didn't set up for it to be a comedy A scene or two might appear comical if you're reading it for the first time, but it's not a comedy.

I appreciate the in-depth notes.

Did he drive all the way from the hospital to the Church with a dead guy on his bonnet?

Yes

It may be a little far-fetched to read but give me a horror movie along the same concept, and I will happily point out scenes that say, " No way would that happen in real -life"


I have to run to work. I'll try and reply later

Thanks again!

Love the imagery of the first page. Especially the silence between her plunging under water and the thrashing of the legs.

Thanks! That might have been the only thing you liked! Haha.

Quoted Text
KENNEDY What's with you? MULROY Job should've been mine.

more subtle?
(Final note: now I have read the script, this little setup didn't lead to anything, there was no more jealousy or consequences of Mulroy thinking he was done out of a job)

This was meant more as a tension builder as to the new sheriff is just not wanted here. At this point I think we were just looking to cast suspicion on a few people, but it was never meant as a whodunnit.

Hmm, big town cop moving to a small town station escaping from some kind of trauma while on duty seems a bit cliche. There's also no mystery to it, we hear the full details of the incident straight away.

Exactly. It’s not a mystery, but the more compelling question here was why.

Do kids smoke cigarettes to look cool still? Feels a bit outdated to me.

You may be right. Vape?


Quoted Text
JOHNSON She got that rope around her neck, abrasions on her arms from lifting that cinder block over there. Went in the water... Done deal.

Who fished the cinder block out of the water?

My initial reaction to this was who cares who fished it out of the water. I guess I just didn’t feel this was a burning question that needed to be answered.


Quoted Text
She winks, snaps her gum and pops a bubble.

This and the smoking earlier, are we in the 90's?

Are you suggesting that nobody smokes, chews gum and pops bubbles anymore?

Quoted Text
SWEENEY I'm a man of God, Luna. He protects the righteous.

He literally just blasphemed lol

Do we need to be told he drank from his brothers cup and then immediately shown what that means via a flashback? Where's the mystery? The setup and payoff?

A flashback at this point seemed necessary to explain what that meant. I think at one point Sweeney suggested he didn’t, so his sister showed him that he indeed did. As for setup and payoff, it could have been dragged out and played later as a flashback, but again, didn’t seem to be exactly a payoff that was worth dragging out so we just showed it.


Now a pack of matches and a noogie? Alright we are deffo in the 90's now lol! joking aside, I have 0 experience of small town USA but is it really like a land that time forgot?

I thought the noogie was a cute thing for her to say, and she didn’t actually give him a noogie so no harm done. Plus, striking off the matches one by one, I felt, added a little tension to that particular moment. And again, I could be wrong, but I believe matches still exist.

Sweeney killing his dad. why now?

Why not? I think when he woke up that morning, based on the way things were going, his intention was to kill himself. I figured well why not take let him care of a little unfinished business first.

Sweeney's suicide is a cool visual.

Thanks. I liked that one too.

Why has Johnson killed himself now?

Johnson literally told Sweeney that things were getting out of hand earlier. Figured I didn’t need Johnson anymore, so it was his guilt at that point that made him off himself.


Quoted Text
Mulroy rushes into the house. A moment passes, Mulroy exits,

he's already in the house, he kicked the door in and spoke.

Good catch.


Quoted Text
BILL No. She's dead. She died in a car accident with my wife

Didn't he just go to the morgue to find her body? We don't need this is dialogue, similarly her next line of "Luna can't die" we don't need as we saw her rise up in the morgue ourselves.

Hmm. Another good catch. That one I’ll have to look over.


Quoted Text
BROOKE I wanted to. I couldn't let you go alone. And I don't know if you noticed, but there's a dead guy with his brains hanging out on the hood of the car and

Did he drive all the way from the hospital to the Church with a dead guy on his bonnet?

Why yes. Yes, he did.



Quoted Text
STEVE It's too late for that. Your father set all this into motion when he shot and killed that poor pregnant lady. James furrows his brow. JAMES How do you know about that? STEVE Why do you think your father's here, sport? (MORE) 85. That baby-killing piece of shit couldn't even get a desk job anywhere else. Then he gets hired as the new sheriff? Think about it. We're the reason he's here. And he's the reason-- (points to Jess) He's the reason you're here.

The audience can easily reach this conclusion on their own from what has come before. I don't think spelling it out like this is necessary.

Fair enough.


Quoted Text
BROOKE Mr. Downing, the body's gone--!

It was just described as being there, where did it go? Was Luna pretending to be a dead body? And how did the driver of the car not notice a body on his bonnet move mid-drive?

Honestly, the body on the hood was something I could have addressed a little. Basically, what was not mentioned is that they could not get the body off of the hood. It was wedged in there good. So, I’ll agree that that’s something that should be mentioned.

They all noticed the body. It never left until Luna, being a Demon witch and all, morphed into the dead guy on the hood.


Quoted Text
PERPETRATOR (O.S.) I'll kill this bitch right now! Bill spins, sees a MAN, dark hoodie, pressing a gun to the head of a PREGNANT WOMAN from behind.

This isn't the same as the flashback of the incident we saw earlier. Seems like it's meant to be.

Yeah, I noticed that too. It was never meant to be exactly the same, but to reflect what was happening now, as in the visual that Luna is presenting before Bill to throw him off.

Final Notes:

Loved the opening visual.

As this is listed as a Thriller/Horror I think I found a lot if it far too comedic than I was supposed to. Seem to get more comedic as it went on, culminating with a twice shot off dick and a headless body flailing around on a moving car, guiding an arm to a dagger.

I think getting shot in the dick is a well justified end to a guy who just raped someone, no? Didn’t find that comedic at all. As for the headless body… I’m not quite sure why that would seem comedic either, but rather a last ditch attempt from beyond the grave to alert someone to what was in her pocket. The dagger. If this was meant fo be comedic, I would have adjusted the tone of the writing.


Everything up until Lunas first transformation reveal I was onboard with and enjoying. (Added point, I would hold back on the complete Luna transformations until a big end reveal) after that, things seemed to go a bit nuts.

The car crash: The truck shedding its load seemed too coincidental, just at the point Luna revealed herself to Jess (added point, why did she wait until this most inopportune point to do this?)

We all agreed it was a tension-filled scene that we liked. Guess we thought that Luna revealing herself to Jess wasn’t enough so why not throw in the tension of the truck losing its load to add to it.

So Luna is some kind of Satanist demon thing that feeds on the blood of unborn babies. It seems like her and her brother haven't been there long (previously living in Roanoke) so how did they convince others into the cult? I don't see at all what Steve/Johnson/Kennedy/the coroner get out of being a party to it, they seem to enjoy it so it's not out of fear, but I don't see much in the way of benefits.

Fair point. Maybe that’s something that needs to be fleshed out a bit — what’s in it for them? Then again, in our country these days people worship certain political figures and I still can’t figure out what’s in it for them.

I probably missed it but I have no idea why Sweeney suddenly decided to go and kill his dad and end his life. Johnsons sudden suicide also seemed out of the blue, guilt maybe? Although his dialogue just before didn't seem like guilt.

Yeah, like I mentioned earlier, Johnson was feeling the thread being pulled out. The jig was up, so to speak.

The attack or hallucination of the James-thing was also very random, nothing similar happened before or after, seemed just thrown in.

Thought it was a good opportunity to throw in an extra scare.

The showdown in the basement of the Church (I think you switch from calling it a Church to a Chapel at the end as well) played a bit odd, Luna knew he was coming and she has these great powers, yet he easily manages to shoot her straight away? I was hoping for something a bit more grand.

I get that, but seeing as that wasn’t the final showdown we decided not to make it play out as grand as it could have been.

Overall, I think in most horror movies you’ll find things happen that seem ludicrous. That was kind of the mind-set here, and is pretty much the only explanation as to why certain things happen. Michael Myers or Jason come back how many times after being killed? Exactly. Personally, my feelings with horror is that anything goes.

Again, many thank for the read!

“My initial reaction to this was who cares who fished it out of the water. I guess I just didn’t feel this was a burning question that needed to be answered”

I didn’t make a clear point, sorry. I didn’t mean literally tell us who fished it out. They are the first on the scene after a member of the public called in a dead body, the dead body is still there, no one would have been diving in the murky water already to haul out a cinder block they didn’t know was there.