1952, Drummer Street by Wes Cravendale - Short, Horror - After a decade-long absence, a son returns home to discover the maid knows more than she should regarding his parents' misfortunes. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

There are a few unnecessary details in this one, though for the most part this short paints a clear and vivid picture of 1950s suburbia. I don't see the reason for treating Patti Page as a character with dialogue. Didn't detract too much, but it was strange.

The writing's OK in this one, other than a few punctuation nits I noticed. I have little to say on the story. It's basically a vampire tale, slightly elevated by the 50s setting.

  

The writing is very dense at the start. Could be crisper.

The full address in the scene heading got tedious and in many places it would have read crisper with mini-slugs (like when you're in different rooms of the house).

Good effort for the short time

Code Burning incense sticks stuck into holes in the woodwork and door frames drop ash to the filthy floor.

Missing comma after 'frames'.

OK... Good. A new take on the vampire genre. Well told, I could see everything clearly and it has a fresh twist.

Writing: 4
Story: 4

Total: 4

I thought vampire too, and that's a problem because it's supposed to be ghost as the topic.

I thought it was way too over writtenly descriptive.  

And it kinda took forever to get to the good part.  

This didn't really work for me.
Sorry
Dan

Quoted from DanC I thought vampire too, and that's a problem because it's supposed to be ghost as the topic.

I really wish the challenge parameters were stated in each thread. I didn't even realize that.

I'd consider reigning in the descriptions at the start. Once we get into the house, you do a nice job building up a creepy atmosphere. Overall, a solid effort and has a unique little spin to it.

This was just okay for me. A bit overwritten and clunky action bits. Big on details that really didn't add to the story. Mood and era setting perhaps? Overall, it just really didn't grab me.

Good job getting this done in the 48 and submitted.

That was a long five pages. It’s really over written but the story worked for me.

A little over written in places and I got no sense that it was a haunted house, they're positioned as vampires...

Not a bad story though.

Even though the writing was good, the action made this a bit of a slow read, but overall I enjoyed it! I knew Willamina had something up her sleeve the moment Max said:

"You haven’t changed a bit. You
look exactly the same. I mean,
exactly. That’s amazing."

I thought it was gonna be like The Skeleton Key or something but this proved to be more interesting than a bunch of hocus pocus (though I do like the movie).

The dialogue was good too.

Gruesome stuff. Good job.

Agree with what's been said before. A bit overwritten, however I didn't mind. Well, maybe just the part about the door hinges. But it's great writing so you really can't quibble. And yes, it's not really a haunted house, but it sure is a house of horrors.

I guess Patti Page on the radio was necessary to stamp it as 1952. As was the Chevy. (If the song truly came out in '52, then it's been 70 years, and I forget the copyright rules on music, but it might be in public domain and thus can be used for free?)  Doesn't really belong at the beginning of the slug though, for a moment I thought that was the address of Drummer Street. Should be at the end of it with a dash.

And I think Willamina should have been older than 35 if the writer was going for 'you haven't changed.' Lots of women do not change from age 24 to 35 and it has nothing to do with drinking blood.

And I think the overdone narrative takes away from the plot, as in, there is no plot. We have horror, i.e, these people drink blood, but we don't know WHY. Why is the power out? What catastrophe has befallen this era and these people?

Tough one for me because it's so well written and atmospheric, yet there aren't answers to the why's.

Funny this one. Very well written with a great concept. But the detail in the action lines sorta cramps it up and its hard not to skim to the dialogue. had a real creepy feel so it was good

It's quite wordy.  You have the makings of a good story, there's potential there.  It just feels like a slow read.

I feel this one meets the topic requirements.

For two days worth, it's good.

Very nice intense build here.

You pulled me into the story, gave me interesting characters to watch and root for and ended in gut-wrenching resolution.

Great work.

1952: Drummer Street

Short notes: Great character description, albeit probably still too long since little movement on screen during that timeframe it takes in. 7:30 is night? (not to me, interesting; need to look the common definition up one time) – consider that adjectives and adverbs are not your friend as a screenwriter. Subjects (nouns) and verbs are. Wait, this gets much better in that regard, so just look over p1. The stench is a problem if you experience how that topic works, you know. Probably it functions however here due to the audience's willingness to disbelief. You have many scene headings. If it's a one main location script, I would have preferred mini-slugs, personal taste but somehow convinced it would feel better, quicker. Otherwise, yuck and urgh, this hits hard. Ugly, let me out here. I didn't consider titles this time (so not going into pointings) cause I believe it's a craft on its own and needs massive thinking, a lot more than 60 whatever hours provide. Rethink that one. Make it fitting, dark, even very dark, ugly and mean as the script is. Stylish shit, writer. Partly a bit slow, but I see you know where to give it the last push. btw it's not my genre, so... a very good.

story (0-5): 5

character (0-5): 4

presentation (0-5): 4

total: 13

For those that say it's overwritten... bullshit. Yours are underwritten.

In terms of scene headings, that is the correct way to do them. The human mind reads bunches of words at once. A whole scene heading is read just as fast as a mini. Minis merely give the impression of speed which helps with action sequences. Anywhere else and they are being overused and incorrectly so.

I forgot to explain cheating the parameters. I did so because I don't believe in ghosts. You'll never see me write a spec involving magic or ghosts... because I find it silly. I need to be invested in the story to write it. I love horror, but it has to be real... even the vampires in this didn't have pointy teeth. That they didn't age as quickly is a small concession but does have some scientific backing:

https://www.theguardian.com/science/2012/oct/17/young-blood-reverse-effects-ageing

Haunted house isn't necessarily all on ghosts for me.

What other then should you call flicks like yours? Terror in a house… somewhat. To me it fits well since this neighborhood dinner was far out in the dark and had a kind of cult group of strange beings. The house didn't distinctly feel holy either.

Whatever, I trashed a lot of your scripts during the last years. Some not. Always hit and miss with you. Now you had the clearly superior one to me and it didn't work out.

Quoted from PrussianMosby Haunted house isn't necessarily all on ghosts for me.

I looked up the definition to see if I could get away with twisting it and it appeared I could, but not enough to get past one or two commenters that clearly stated I had broken the parameters.

Quoted Text What other then should you call flicks like yours? Terror in a house… somewhat. To me it fits well since this neighborhood dinner was far out in the dark and had a kind of cult group of strange beings. The house didn't distinctly feel holy either.

It's just a horror.

Quoted Text ... and it didn't work out.

It has worked out brilliantly. I have a great piece of writing that I can use as a sample of my work. I'm really proud of this script. My writing has matured quite a bit recently and this script reflects that. That I'm not through to the next round doesn't matter, I may have bailed anyway if given a silly subject matter.