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The story setup just didn't strike me as believable, e.g. I've been to theatre, concerts, cinema etc... the only place I have ever seen security do what they do here is at a football match...
I guess his brother could have set it up, but that's not explicit and I don't buy why someone with lazy eye would set off a psychotic episode... and then end with the sex doll - why?
Short notes: Honestly, go away from the (CONT'D), keep them behind, it's so distracting and states insecurity and and and…. I as your reader know exactly where I am. Trust your dialogues flow itself. Sorry, that I load it on you since others equally do that, imo, mistake, but it was all so nicely flowing here and then my eye can't understand why a Carl suddenly is a Carl (Cont'd), every single time again when it changes. Yeah, he better f******* continues. Even pros who could literally do anything do it sparse. Sorry, sorry, and sorry for that little excursion. Story: I laughed out three times, very pleasant laughs. The ending isn't kicking it full. Too little context it has there and I hoped for a final confrontation of them. I'll count on my laughs of course, writer.
A big thank you to everyone who read and commented! I know this script had more than a few issues, but it was fun to write and hopefully gave a few readers a laugh or two.
Good luck to PKCardinal (who kicked my butt in the voting in this bracket) in the next rounds.
New comedy short, "CRIME SCENE REENACTMENTS." The only TV show that lets actual crime victims reenact the worst moments of their lives for your viewing pleasure.
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The Lazy Eye - WT
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