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The Lazy Eye - WT (currently 2024 views) |
Don |
Posted: March 18th, 2018, 11:00pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16443 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
The Lazy Eye by 0 - Short, Comedy - 0 - pdf, format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Revision History (1 edits) |
Don - March 18th, 2018, 11:25pm | | |
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DarrenJamesSeeley |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 2:58am |
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January Project Group
LocationMichigan.USA Posts1522 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
Not sure that INTERMISSION is a time of day., I know it's gnna sound odd in a 48hr challenge, but, the work feels rushed, at least on the dialogue side of things. It feels like filler, as is if you wanted to expand a 4 page script to a 5 page script and you had fifteen minutes or less before the deadline. |
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DustinBowcot |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 3:34am |
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Guest User
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Code DENNIS (CONT’D)
I just wanna get you back for all
you’ve done to me.
CARL
Don’t you mean done for me? |
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Too OTN. Took me away from the tension.
Code The symphony halls looms in the distance. |
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Typo.
Code LISA
You sound like a psychopathic. |
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Awkwardly phrased.
Code CARL
I’M NOT A FUCKIN’ PSYCHOPATHIC! |
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Same again.
Code NEWSCASTER
A local man was placed into custody
today after he had a suspected
psychiatric episode. |
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A newscaster wouldn't get it wrong. The man had a psychotic episode.
Code NEWSCASTER
A local man was placed into custody
today after he had a suspected
psychiatric episode. His wife
placed a 5150 on him until he can
receive further psychiatric
evaluation. |
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In fact, all of this is off for a Newscaster. His entire plan rested upon his brother being bothered by a security guard's lazy eye. Not the best. Mostly well written but the story falls apart. Out of 5: Writing: 3 Story: 2 Total: 2.5 |
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Reply: 2 - 18 |
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khamanna |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 9:26am |
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January Project Group
Posts4195 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
I had fun reading this.
The only thing - if Carl knows Dennis is to set him up why he would get psychotic? That's too easy and doesn't ring true. Might add something there to make it plausible. One moment he's thanking him, next he suspects Dennis set him up...
I had fun seeing that Dennis is cracked. And the last scene was a lot of fun. could have made the first one funnier - it's your opening and it's a way too serious. It has to have a comedic promise I think. |
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Reply: 3 - 18 |
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Steven |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 10:18am |
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New
LocationSouthern California Posts466 Posts Per Day 0.15 |
Chuckled at the introduction to Dennis. Caught me off guard big time.
"Characters talking about stuff they already know, only to serve the audience" issue happening on the first page.
I think you mean "psychopath."
Pretty funny ending. I'd love to hear a news anchor say "5150," haha.
Writing 3/5 Story 2.5/5
Total - 2.75 |
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Reply: 4 - 18 |
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ajr |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 10:22am |
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Old Timer
Posts1482 Posts Per Day 0.28 |
Dialogue was on the nose a bit too often, and I agree with Dustin that the plot point of the lazy eye seems forced. And the modifier, something that takes place in a symphony hall, is random here as compared to the competing script in which the symphony hall is the entire setting. |
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Reply: 5 - 18 |
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ReaperCreeper |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 1:21pm |
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Been Around
LocationWisconsin Posts974 Posts Per Day 0.15 |
A few typos throughout made me pause. You're instead of your and vice-versa. Those kinds of things. A handful of times, the dialogue becomes incomprehensible due to these typos: Sorry, Dennis gotta get back to the best fuckin� show on Earth. Here, Carl seems like he's literally apologizing because Dennis has to get back, which I know is not what the writer meant. Mistakes like these can kill a script. The very end of the script is also fucked up. You FADE OUT with a colon, then have blank page.
Overall, the writing truly wasn't horrible, but having this amount of errors in a 5-page screenplay is really, really pushing it. I get that there was a time-limit, but the errors were too frequent not to mention.
I don't get the psychopathic line. Psycho, psychopath, sure. Psychopathic? I've never heard it like that.
Some of the lines in this were chuckle-worthy, didn't laugh out loud, but it wasn't dead on arrival or anything.
Technically, this is funnier than its competitor, but I'm not too sure who to give the vote to because this one's also less polished.
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Reply: 6 - 18 |
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jayrex |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 5:28pm |
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Old Timer Cut to three weeks earlier
LocationLondon, UK Posts1420 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
This one was a very quick read. I enjoyed this one.
The story moved well, a good start, funny ending. It's not bad.
Missing word on page 3, the Security Guard’s lazy 'eye' is dead focused on him.
Typo on page 4, Carl, I 'k'now it!
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Reply: 7 - 18 |
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eldave1 |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 8:35pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
Solid effort for the time allowed.
While I liked the overall premise - the device to cause insanity (a lazy eye) seemed an odd choice. Didn't seem like the type of thing that would put one over the edge.
Close competition here. |
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Reply: 8 - 18 |
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Warren |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 8:43pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
It’s an enjoyable enough read, didn’t enjoy it as much as the other script though.
Too much "fuck" throughout for my taste.
Did get a few laughs so congrats on that. |
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Reply: 9 - 18 |
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stevie |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 9:03pm |
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Of The Ancients
LocationDown Under Posts3441 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Lol I like how the symphony hall is just thrown in there for the challenge. I kept thinking about the Beach Boys when I read Carl and Dennis!! Anyway you had a bit of fun with this. |
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Reply: 10 - 18 |
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DanC |
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 1:31pm |
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Old Timer Killing villains since 1980!
LocationBuffalo NY Posts1131 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
It was pretty good, but, I felt the other one was funnier. I guess it's a case of the comedy in the other was better than this one, again, IMO.
It was a pretty solid story, but, I don't know why that bugged him so much. Perhaps if we had some sort of precursor as to why he'd flip out, it'd make more sense.
Dan |
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Reply: 11 - 18 |
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MarkItZero |
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 9:00pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
I know it's a comedy but it was just too outlandish for me. The entire plan relies on a lazy eye driving someone insane. I assumed the eye was one of the challenge parameters but I see it's Symphony Hall. I can't get past the eye thing, apparently neither could Carl.
Solid effort for 48 hours though. |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
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Reply: 12 - 18 |
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CameronD |
Posted: March 21st, 2018, 1:48pm |
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Been Around
Posts542 Posts Per Day 0.14 |
Very blah? Just didn't click for me. Seemed too rushed as characters were always in some busy hurry so never got a sense for the story, if there was one. Just a guy annoyed by a guard's lazy eye? Not much meat on that bone. |
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Reply: 13 - 18 |
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MartinS |
Posted: March 21st, 2018, 3:02pm |
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I liked it! Lots of tension and awkward situations. Good stuff.
Question I have however is why Dennis was suddenly on the couch with plastic sex dolls. That sort-of came out of nowhere.
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Reply: 14 - 18 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: March 21st, 2018, 6:46pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4323 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
Sorry just didn't really get this.
The story setup just didn't strike me as believable, e.g. I've been to theatre, concerts, cinema etc... the only place I have ever seen security do what they do here is at a football match...
I guess his brother could have set it up, but that's not explicit and I don't buy why someone with lazy eye would set off a psychotic episode... and then end with the sex doll - why? |
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Reply: 15 - 18 |
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JEStaats |
Posted: March 22nd, 2018, 3:44pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1736 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
This one felt too forced and OTN. Not too much to laugh at here. Comedy is rough, eh? |
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Reply: 16 - 18 |
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PrussianMosby |
Posted: March 22nd, 2018, 8:03pm |
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Posts1399 Posts Per Day 0.36 |
The Lazy Eye
Short notes: Honestly, go away from the (CONT'D), keep them behind, it's so distracting and states insecurity and and and…. I as your reader know exactly where I am. Trust your dialogues flow itself. Sorry, that I load it on you since others equally do that, imo, mistake, but it was all so nicely flowing here and then my eye can't understand why a Carl suddenly is a Carl (Cont'd), every single time again when it changes. Yeah, he better f******* continues. Even pros who could literally do anything do it sparse. Sorry, sorry, and sorry for that little excursion. Story: I laughed out three times, very pleasant laughs. The ending isn't kicking it full. Too little context it has there and I hoped for a final confrontation of them. I'll count on my laughs of course, writer.
story (0-5): 4
character (0-5): 4
presentation (0-5): 2
total: 10 |
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Reply: 17 - 18 |
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nastynate |
Posted: March 23rd, 2018, 7:17pm |
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LocationEast Coast Posts34 Posts Per Day 0.01 |
A big thank you to everyone who read and commented! I know this script had more than a few issues, but it was fun to write and hopefully gave a few readers a laugh or two.
Good luck to PKCardinal (who kicked my butt in the voting in this bracket) in the next rounds. |
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Reply: 18 - 18 |
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