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Your celebration is a bachelor/bachelorette party. The number you have drawn is 4+. This is your body count (4 or more people must die). Non-genre specific. 8 pages max.
Fiesta Muerta by 0 - Short, Drama - Sometimes, you ought to not leave the country for your bachelor party.
The Plan by Uncle Google - Short, Comedy, Drama - Chris wants to paintball. Rick has other ideas, but his plan isn't well thought through.
It's really well written. Cleary this is a talented writer. Its flows well, the story is easy to follow despite the amount of characters. I didn't like the gun sound effects, they come off cartoonish.
Despite all of that the story was pretty bland, nothing new or original. This could be a scene from a 100 movies. That's unfortunate because the writing is on point.
The Plan Review
The writing is just ok. Some typos, but I guess that's expected. Phone calls are generally (V.O) not (O.S). The motivation for this slaughter is kinda non existent. Yes he got kidnapped but it's too coincidental to the story that he has a gun and kills 4+ people. The comedy didn't shine through but that is subjective
I'm not a huge fan of either of these but the first one is a more enjoyable read.
Any thoughts on my work in progress would be appreciated.
A little bland. I'm a hater of anything in uppercase that isn't a character intro. Especially sound effects. A simple story with an unlikely twist. This is easy enough to be filmed. I just feel it lacks a certain something that will elevate it above student filmmaker level.
Lots of time spent away from the celebration. Parameters state that all or the vast majority of your script must take place at the celebration, which understandably is a huge limitation.
Your script hinges on mistaken identity. We're supposed to believe that 3 regular Joes can kidnap someone who later on, in order to satisfy the body count, is "the wrong person to mess with."
FIESTA MUERTA
Very well written. I think I have an idea who wrote it. As an Italian-American I wish these characters were stereotypes, but alas... (0:
Nice twist at the end. The script hinges on Rocco not being able to sniff out the weapon. I guess if I had a minor quibble it would be that I need to believe that more. Not sure what "embedded in the base" of the duffel bag means. Not that I'd expect Rocco to have a wand or anything like that... teeny tiny logic hole that should be easily fixed.
Fiesta - Not bad. I'm glad it wasn't just a slaughter/ heist. Nice little twist and it ends well. Good job.
The Plan - Not so much, here. It was totally different from what I was expecting but just a slaughter in the end. I thought for sure it was going to be real guns instead of paintball action.
Fiesta Muerta has some minor typos throughout, but one I just can't get out of my head.
Quoted Text
stand in waste deep water.
Ew.
Why does only Joey get a last name? If it's to attach him to "Mr. Calzone" then it would need to be mentioned in dialogue, doesn't matter what his capped intro says.
Just having a bodyguard is enough warning that someone would try to hurt Joey, but in hindsight I think the author could have hinted at Valentina better. Early on have Frankie offer her a bit more money to do something extra, to which she agrees. Motived-by-money is implicit in a "whore" character, but it's not entirely clear she really is one. That said, if she's really a hitman, this double-cross means her career is over and she'd want more than one million on which to retire.
The Plan took too long to get started then got really predictable as soon as The Individual appeared, except for killing off the pole dancer. Did she have some history with The Individual?
I think I'll have to go with la Fiesta Muerta, waste deep water and all.
The Plan - The action descriptions to me, seem a little sparse? Basic descriptions that left me wondering what scenes we were in sometimes. Not a very visually painted picture here. The dialogue tried to seem natural, but didn't really flow for me. This premise is something that is not that new. Was hoping for something a little more outrageous than what was delivered.
Fiesta Muerta - The winner here, in my opinion. Well written, clear structure and story. Not too much else to say other than that.
Fiesta Muerta - extremely predictable - well, the carnage is lol - but very well written and handles. No real complaints although the final line is sort of boring.
The Plan - not a bad concept and it was going ok until the 'Individual' lobbed lol. I understand you had to hide his identity for the payoff but it read ridiculous. Veered sharply from comedy when the killing started - very hard to mix the two.
LATER, LITTLE LATER, MUCH LATER what's the difference? It's later.[quote][/quote]
Story is predictable, cliched and not for me.
THE PLAN
One of my biggest pet peeves rears its ugly face, right on p1. That's when characters do actions which are simple and it the only action they do. A character drinks. A character stands. A character walks. Characters "exit" (they already walked away)
Luckily, first page aside, the narrative gets slightly better.
Four kills, right? You went for five? *Bride *Rick *James *Bill AND the pole dancer
Oops.
So...who is The Individual? The name not only is annoying to read, when he reveals himself we still don't know who it is.. This makes the script more annoying than it needs to be.
This calls for a nickel. Heads I vote for one. tails, the other. flipped.
Bachelor/Bachelorette Party - WT
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Bachelor/Bachelorette Party - WT
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