Your celebration is a bachelor/bachelorette party. The number you have drawn is 4+. This is your body count (4 or more people must die). Non-genre specific. 8 pages max.

Fiesta Muerta by 0 - Short, Drama - Sometimes, you ought to not leave the country for your bachelor party.

The Plan by Uncle Google - Short, Comedy, Drama - Chris wants to paintball.  Rick has other ideas, but his plan isn't well thought through.

Fiesta Muerta Review

It's really well written. Cleary this is a talented writer. Its flows well, the story is easy to follow despite the amount of characters. I didn't like the gun sound effects, they come off cartoonish.

Despite all of that the story was pretty bland, nothing new or original. This could be a scene from a 100 movies. That's unfortunate because the writing is on point.




The Plan Review


The writing is just ok. Some typos, but I guess that's expected. Phone calls are generally (V.O) not (O.S). The motivation for this slaughter is kinda non existent. Yes he got kidnapped but it's too coincidental to the story that he has a gun and kills 4+ people. The comedy didn't shine through but that is subjective



I'm not a huge fan of either of these but the first one is a more enjoyable read.

FIESTA MUERTA


A little bland. I'm a hater of anything in uppercase that isn't a character intro. Especially sound effects. A simple story with an unlikely twist. This is easy enough to be filmed. I just feel it lacks a certain something that will elevate it above student filmmaker level.

Writing: 3
Story: 2.7

Total: 2.85

THE PLAN

Poor opening. I'm already preferring the other one.

Dialogue poor. I want to bail at page 1. No, I'm out. It's just dialogue and not very good dialogue.

The other one gets my vote.

THE PLAN

Lots of time spent away from the celebration. Parameters state that all or the vast majority of your script must take place at the celebration, which understandably is a huge limitation.

Your script hinges on mistaken identity. We're supposed to believe that 3 regular Joes can kidnap someone who later on, in order to satisfy the body count, is "the wrong person to mess with."

FIESTA MUERTA

Very well written. I think I have an idea who wrote it. As an Italian-American I wish these characters were stereotypes, but alas... (0:

Nice twist at the end. The script hinges on Rocco not being able to sniff out the weapon. I guess if I had a minor quibble it would be that I need to believe that more. Not sure what "embedded in the base" of the duffel bag means. Not that I'd expect Rocco to have a wand or anything like that... teeny tiny logic hole that should be easily fixed.

Great job writer.

Fiesta Muerta -- I wasn't sure (as I read) that you were going to pull off something interesting, but you did. Writing is good.

The Plan -- This fell apart for me when they kidnapped "the individual."

Fiesta - Not bad. I'm glad it wasn't just a slaughter/ heist. Nice little twist and it ends well. Good job.

The Plan - Not so much, here. It was totally different from what I was expecting but just a slaughter in the end. I thought for sure it was going to be real guns instead of paintball action.

Fiesta Muerta has some minor typos throughout, but one I just can't get out of my head.

Quoted Text stand in waste deep water.

Ew.

Why does only Joey get a last name? If it's to attach him to "Mr. Calzone" then it would need to be mentioned in dialogue, doesn't matter what his capped intro says.

Just having a bodyguard is enough warning that someone would try to hurt Joey, but in hindsight I think the author could have hinted at Valentina better. Early on have Frankie offer her a bit more money to do something extra, to which she agrees. Motived-by-money is implicit in a "whore" character, but it's not entirely clear she really is one. That said, if she's really a hitman, this double-cross means her career is over and she'd want more than one million on which to retire.

The Plan took too long to get started then got really predictable as soon as The Individual appeared, except for killing off the pole dancer. Did she have some history with The Individual?

I think I'll have to go with la Fiesta Muerta, waste deep water and all.

Fiesta Muerta

Liked this, flowed well and read well.

A little formulaic but the writing was light so it got away with it.

Good job.

The Plan - The action descriptions to me, seem a little sparse? Basic descriptions that left me wondering what scenes we were in sometimes. Not a very visually painted picture here. The dialogue tried to seem natural, but didn't really flow for me. This premise is something that is not that new. Was hoping for something a little more outrageous than what was delivered.

Fiesta Muerta - The winner here, in my opinion. Well written, clear structure and story. Not too much else to say other than that.

The Plan

A little predictable and the ending felt rushed.

For me there's just a little too much co-incidence driving the plot.

Fiesta Muerta - extremely predictable - well, the carnage is lol - but very well written and handles. No real complaints although the final line is sort of boring.

The Plan - not a bad concept and it was going ok until the 'Individual' lobbed lol. I understand you had to hide his identity for the payoff but it read ridiculous. Veered sharply from comedy when the killing started - very hard to mix the two.

Fiesta Muerta

Not bad. It's well written so no complaints there.

The story was lacking any real punch, but it was enjoyable for the most part.

The Plan

I didn’t enjoy this half as much as Fiesta Muerta.

The killing at the end seems quiet unnecessary and a bit of an overreaction to the situation.

Not for me, sorry.

Fiesta Muerta

Quoted Text Four YOUNG MEN (20s) stand in waste deep water.

Anthony is 330.

Hector falls twice (p8 )

LATER, LITTLE LATER, MUCH LATER what's the difference? It's later.[quote][/quote]

Story is predictable, cliched and not for me.


THE PLAN

One of my biggest pet peeves rears its ugly face, right on p1. That's when characters do actions which are simple and it the only action they do. A character drinks. A character stands. A character walks. Characters "exit" (they already walked away)

Luckily, first page aside, the narrative gets slightly better.

Four kills, right? You went for five?
*Bride
*Rick
*James
*Bill
AND the pole dancer

Oops.

So...who is The  Individual? The name not only is annoying to read, when he reveals himself we still don't know who it is.. This makes the script more annoying than it needs to be.

This calls for a nickel.
Heads I vote for one.
tails, the other.
flipped.

Fiesta wins.

Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley Four kills, right? You went for five? *Bride *Rick *James *Bill AND the pole dancer Oops.

The parameter is 4+, not exactly 4. Presumably an extinction-level event would count as well.

Fiesta Muerta
Feels like a Machete but doesn't read iike one.
I'm missing being connected to characters in this. Overall you made the crazy plot sound very believable and I'm surprised you managed. Which makes me think you're excellent.
The girl and her pimp were very good.
If the rich boy's dad is a mob he can't move around without a bodyguard I think. That for me is a plot hole.

The Plan
This kept losing me. I think it's because you introduced your characters altogether, not gradually. You gave them matter-of-factly lines. And you didn't make them different to each other, so I kept checking the characters names.  
And then, you're against a strong competitor.

Fiesta Muerta -- Writing is good. Everything is quite good except I thought the end was a bit bloodless. Maybe there's something wrong with me, but if it's gonna be a massacre I feel like you should go all out. Valentina could step in just as Joey's hand is about to get sawed off and the last moment is her handing a catatonic, blood-soaked Joey her card. Okay, there's definitely something wrong with me...

Oh, and I think you can come up with a better last line. Maybe... "Next time, stick with Vegas." No, that's terrible. I don't know. Something with a little more punch to it.

The Plan -- Decent idea I suppose. Some of the dialogue felt like it was just filling up space. It was hard to get into this one but overall decent effort. Just try to get in and out of a scene faster and not linger with unnecessary banter.

THE PLAN

Not a bad story really. Kinda fun little mistaken identity thing. It might be worth it to work on this a little bit when the time is right. Unfortunately, this story had the tough luck to go up against...

FIESTA MUERTA

Extremely well written, pretty good story, and easily the best one I've read so far. This one deserves to move on, and I doubt I'll find a better one in this bunch. Congrats!

Steve

Quoted from FrankM The parameter is 4+, not exactly 4. Presumably an extinction-level event would count as well.

The number you have drawn is 4+. This is your body count (4 or more people must die). Non-genre specific. 8 pages max.

If I can just draw your attention to the 'or more' part.  This would imply an unlimited amount of deaths.