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Hey mate, finally finished this off, sorry it took longer than I thought. Had nothing to do with the writing, just life stuff.
I didn’t read through the massive notes so I apologise if I repeat too much of anything.
So I think you know I'm a pretty big fan of your writing in general. The themes and general darkness of it really appeals to me.
Quick points of the bat. The dialogue, as always, is very good. You have some excellent back and forth throughout. If I had to nit-pick at anything it would be the amount of times people use "like" in the dialogue, ‘like’ it just gets too much sometimes and feels out of place. It needs a bloody good edit, missing words, bad grammar, and a random blue slug. It needs a clean, but I know this is a very early draft written quite quickly. You also use “perky” as a character description too many times.
The story works almost as is for me. I do feel like it would benefit from being a series over a feature as you could really flesh out the relationships and characters. I would have liked more time with Jess on the in-between years and more time with Daisy's journey. The Adam story almost feels shoehorned in and I feel more time spent with that would be good as well.
Jess's suicide felt a bit out of place and almost not 'earned'. I would have like to have a better understanding of why she got to that point.
The last few pages where David and Daisy finally meet gave me goose bumps and a sick feeling in my stomach at the same time, it was quite painful to read.
Quoted Text
DAISY (V.O) (CONT'D) But I could smell the rosewater.
I liked the way this all worked in.
I also liked the narration, but I know some people would hate it.
Long story short, make it a series and expand on the characters and relationships, I think that’s the best way to do it justice.
Quick points of the bat. The dialogue, as always, is very good. You have some excellent back and forth throughout. If I had to nit-pick at anything it would be the amount of times people use "like" in the dialogue, ‘like’ it just gets too much sometimes and feels out of place.
Haha this is 100% because I write dialogue the way I talk...and I overuse "like" - I am basically a valley girl.
Re: the Adam story...I'm considering just reformatting it as a standalone short, completely unrelated to this feature, and putting another self-contained but more related story in that chapter. However, I don't know know how a short would work without the context...
Quoted Text
The last few pages where David and Daisy finally meet gave me goose bumps and a sick feeling in my stomach at the same time, it was quite painful to read.
Thanks! That's 100% my intention so I'm glad you felt it - it's supposed to be this crushing moment when David realizes that Daisy isn't the solution to any of his problems and she's actually quite terrified of him.
Thanks again for reading. Maybe in a few months there'll be a closer-to-final draft of this thing floating around.