Secrets of Area 51 by Daniel Robinson - Short, Action - When a young man accidently finds an entrance into area 51 he finds out that aliens do exsists and while trapped in side of the area he helps out Bryan an older man who has been there for many years. Based on true events.  7 pages - pdf, format

Hey Daniel, I remember I commented on the last one before this one. It had to do with Area 51 too.

SPOILERS!!!

Hmm, well, this one is better I feel, but, sadly there's still not enough in this story than there could be. I like the idea that Bryan is stuck in that place... not completely sure why, but I could see a story of heartache and love trying to peek through within his character. It was more obvious at the end.

Tony's character kind of changed from his introduction to during his time inside Area 51. At the beginning I felt that Tony was this hard ass: "I'm addicted to chaos" he says whilst listening to a heavy metal band (I think). Then suddenly, when he's inside he's more of an innocent boy. It's just the feeling I got.

When Tony first enters Area 51 and meets Bryan, Bryan gives him some clothes and tells him, seemingly nicely, to put them on in the bathroom. Tony takes the clothes without any questioning what so ever and walks into A ROOM (what room, I'm not sure). He comes back out and starts asking questions.

The explanation to Tony seems very quick and pointless seeing as at the end he lets him go. Where were the high security guards and what not? It just seems to me that there is only one guy controlling and guarding Area 51 and Tony stumbles across it by chance without being caught. Who was the man Tony swirved to miss at the beginning? Why did Bryan explain that Tony could not leave then a minute later lets him leave? Why wear those clothes? There are loads of questions to be answered here Daniel and you should present them within your script. Make it longer with more explanation to the questions we all need to know. You could have something cool here if you can give it a fulfilling rewrite.

GBM

1)  Tons of spelling and grammatical errors; there's no need for specifics, just go over your script again.

2)  The overall format is good, but it's weak in certain places.  You don't need a direction for every scene.  Other than that it's just small things like using "SUPER" instead of "SHOW ON SCREEN:".

3)  The plot was...barely existent.  Tony falls into a hole, gets a load of exposition giving one-sentence answers about a bunch of conspiracy theories, and then leaves.  There's no dramatic build-up (he starts leaving the room the same page he raises the question if he can), there's no resolution (aside from Tony leaving the hole; the aliens are still there, the whole scene is still unexplained), so what we basically have here is a long exposition - and it's not too long either.

4)  Many things remain unexplained.  Most importantly, why can't Bryan leave?

Hope this helps.  You're going to need to put a little more effort into it if you want to make a serious script.

Thanks guys I'll work on a re write or maybe even a feature untill next time,

Dan

Quite a strange story, but a bit nebulous. Everything happens too fast with no links.

the FADE TO: & FADE IN: are not needed

Quoted from jerdol why can't Bryan leave?

I had the same wondering.

Michel

I was thinking about area 51 and what I was told about it. Once your there, there is no return kinda like the men in black movie. But I might turn the story around with Bryan leaving and vanishing. I'll do a re-write. I re-read it over and there's a few things that don't make much sense to me.

So thanks again.

Dan

P.s  Be on the look out for The unforgiven.

First off, past tense in scripts is a no-no. 'The ship was so burning hot that that it caused the sand to turn to glass'. It should be... 'The ship is so hot that it causes the sand to turn to glass'.

You have some formatting problems scattered throughout, not too big of a deal for me. Grammar is also scattered in little spots, once again... No biggie.

Why did Tony have to keep changing his clothes every time they went into a new room. It made no sense to me, which is very familiar from your other scripts I've read. They don't seem finished, things don't make sense, etc.

There was no story, except for Bryan being stuck there for a long time. No twists... A major letdown from your past works.

I don't know how old this is, but you need to slow the flow of scripts you put on the site, and make sure they are as high quality as can be. Good luck in the future, you're going to need it.

(Don't take what I said offensively. You are a great writer, but you don't utilize all that talent. You speed through your pieces instead of writing a few pages, delete two, start over, and continue that process.)

I look forward to reading more of your work.

Hey,

I agree. I wrote the ideas down and thought it was good enough.

I am working on a feature for this so I have tons of room to tell the story.  

Talk to you soon,

Dan