I'm revising Obscure and I am unsure on how to handle a particular sequence.  How can I show a scene of a movie through the television. I read Phil's latest work and that helped a bit, but the transition is difficult to place. The movie scene starts outside.

What I have so far is this:  


A small red dot beams from the DVD player located on top of the television.


From the TELEVISION


EXT. WOODS - NIGHT

Heavy breathing resonates. A FEMALE (1 runs into a house SCREAMING.  


I want to know if this works.

Gabe

I know this thread is a couple weeks old, but it has had no replies, so I have to ask a couple of questions. First, do we see a cut of the scene from within the room with the TV? It would be a good idea to do so, just to establish that it's a movie. Second, when the program begins, do we end up watching it like it's the story we're watching? That is, does this become our focus, or do we remain in the room, watching the lined picture that depicts a TV screen in a movie?

If the latter is true, here's the way I would do it:

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT (or whatever)

A DVD player sits on top of a television set. The red light on the power button glow red. The display shows 0:00:00 and counts up by seconds.

The BLACK SCREEN on the television changes to show a wooded area at night. Heavy breathing resonates.


EXT. WOODS - NIGHT

The heavy breathing continues followed by rapid footfalls. SYDNEY (an 18 year old young woman) runs to the door of an old shack. She pounds on the door, screaming.

        SYDNEY
   Hello? Please open the door!

She whirls around to look behind her. SCREAMS.


INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

MR. RIPLEY, a male of unknown origin about 335 posts old, sips wine and looks up from his book at the woman on screen.

        MR. RIPLEY
   Oh yeah...

------------

It's clean. There are no distracting breaks in the action. You can easily decipher what's going on. And this particular version is a bit amusing as well. Just treat the TV like another scene happening simultaneous to the other and as long as you show its presence in the room, it'll make sense.

How about:

INSERT

a television screen broadcasts the Who's On First segment from Abbott and Costello's movie Naughty Nineties.

           COSTELLO
    I'm not asking who's on second--

           ABBOTT
    Who's on first!

           COSTELLO
    I don't know--

           ABBOTT & COSTELLO
    Third base!

JOHN sits on the floor, three feet from the screen.

He stares at the screen, glassy-eyed.

          JOHN
    Effin' incredible....



Phil

Thanks George and Phil,

I already wrote the script, which is under my sig, with the example I had above. And people didn't find it complicated. I was going for that the movie sequence becomes part of the story that I was telling. So, it will start in the house and then tranistion into the film sequence and then back to the house. I hope this isn't complicated. If is, ask me and I'll try to explain. But thanks guys for answering this question.

Gabe  

I'm working on the second draft of SOUVENIR and I have a question about text that appears on screen. The following appears early in the script, right after Tom brings home the typewriter.

Tom feeds a new page into the machine. He puts his fingers to the keys. He types:

MY NAME IS TOM BARRETT

The machine types:

MY NAME IS TOMMY BARRETT

               VICKY (O.S.)
     Where have you been?

Tom looks up. Scowls.

               CARL (O.S.)
     You know where I�ve been.

               VICKY (O.S.)
     I was gonna throw a party
     ï¿½cause I thought you left me.
     You can�t work, but you can
     go get beer?

               CARL (O.S.)
     I was thirsty.

               VICKY (O.S.)
     Whatever.

Footsteps stomp away. Tom looks down at the machine and reads:

CARL SLAMS THE DOOR BEHIND HIM, KEEPING THE CASE OF BEER UNDER HIS LEFT ARM. VICKY STORMS INTO THE ROOM, HER BLEACH BLONDE HAIR IN A MESS. HER PALE THIGHS CAN’T HIDE UNDERNEATH HER LACY NIGHTIE. “WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?� SHE SCREAMS, HOLDING A THIN CIGARETTE IN HER BONEY FINGERS.

Do I ignore standard paragraph structure and keep the big block of capitalized text?

No firm rules on that, but yeah, it sure looks awkward on the page.

What I would do is keep the text, but shorten it by at least half, keeping only what is essential.  The burp, for example, or Vicky's hair, can probably go.

I would also point out that this segment is a bit unclear -- it is not clear whether Tom is reading this passage or typing it himself -- but perhaps that will make sense in the context of the story.

I haven't read this one yet (held off knowing that a new draft is coming), but do those words just appear, or does the typewriter clatter away on its own?

It seems weird that Vicky wouldn't mention his spasming, possessed typewriter.

It's a little unclear in context, but Vicky and Carl are the upstairs neighbors. Tom hears their shouting from below. He looks up and listens. When they quiet down, he looks down at his machine and reads the page. There's actually more than I posted, though.

Tom isn't a screenwriter. He writes novels. Vicky and Carl become characters in his newest novel. The machine took what Tom heard and novelized it. That's why I write about the hair and such.

Right now I have a 167 word paragraph at the bottom of page 8. It's a little much.

I think the written text should be in caps and centered justified, but I am not sure. For example,

He puts his fingers to the keys and begins to type:

                                             MY NAME IS TOMMY BARRETT.

Tommy would have to say that he was typing my name is Tom Barrett, as the audience might not catch that different words were being typed just by watching his hands.

For the rest, maybe:
                            CARL SLAMS THE DOOR BEHIND HIM, KEEPING THE CASE OF BEER
                            UNDER HIS LEFT ARM. HE BELCHES. VICKY STORMS INTO THE ROOM,
                            HER BLEACH BLONDE HAIR IN A MESS. “WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?”
                            SHE SCREAMS, HOLDING A THIN CIGARETTE IN HER THIN, FINGERS.

That would keep it from looking like a description or a block of dialogue. From a graphic design standpoint, that works best for me. Whether its right from a screenwriters perspective, I don't know. I look forward to getting the answer to this question as well.

Joe


                                                                        

I may be giving it away, or it may be totally obvious, but at this point in the script, the typewriter is Tommy Barrett. The keys move on their own to form MY NAME IS TOMMY BARRETT, and then later, when the page of the manuscript appears.

This was covered in the screenwriting books, but not with this much text. I know when I'm citing something on an essay, if the text is more than four lines long, it's indented. But this isn't an essay. It's a screenplay.

Here's page eight:

MY NAME IS TOMMY BARRETT

               VICKY (O.S.)
     Where have you been?

Tom looks up. He scowls.

               CARL (O.S.)
     You know where I’ve been.

               VICKY (O.S.)
     I was gonna throw a party
     ‘cause I thought you left me.
     But then you came back. You
     can’t go to work, but you can
     go get beer?

               CARL (O.S.)
     I was thirsty.

               VICKY (O.S.)
     Whatever.

Footsteps stomp away. Tom looks down at the machine and reads the page:

CARL SLAMS THE DOOR BEHIND HIM, KEEPING THE CASE OF BEER UNDER HIS LEFT ARM. VICKY STORMS INTO THE ROOM, HER BLEACH BLONDE HAIR IN A MESS. HER PALE THIGHS CAN’T HIDE UNDERNEATH HER LACY NIGHTIE. “WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?” SHE SCREAMS, HOLDING A THIN CIGARETTE IN HER BONY FINGERS. CARL STOMPS PAST HER IN HIS THICK WORK BOOTS AND DROPS THE CASE ON THE SMALL KITCHEN COUNTER. “YOU KNOW WHERE I’VE BEEN,” HE SHOUTS. VICKY LEANS OVER THE KITCHEN COUNTER, EXPOSING HER SPOTTED CLEAVAGE. “I WAS GOING TO THROW A PARTY ‘CAUSE I THOUGHT YOU LEFT ME,” SHE SAYS SLOWLY, TRACING THE STUBBLE ON HIS CHIN. “BUT THEN YOU CAME BACK.” SHE REMOVES HER FINGER AND WALKS TO THE SOFA. SHE FALLS BACK ON IT, RAISING A LEG, SHOWING MORE SKIN. “YOU CAN’T GO TO WORK, BUT YOU CAN GO GET BEER?” “I WAS THIRSTY.” CARL SAYS, AS HE PUTS THE BEER IN THE FRIDGE. “WHATEVER.” VICKY INHALES THE LAST OF HER CIGARETTE.

Tom yanks the page off the roller. Looks up. Then back down. He shakes his head.

Please don't expect us to read all that. Indicate that Tom has suddenly found a full page; we can read maybe the first line or two. Then we can get some (not all of that, some must be cut) more info by Tom mumbling as he reads it back to himself. Then have us read choice phrases (dialogue that will nail home the link between the typewriter and the couple upstairs). I think this would effectively nail Tom's "discovery."

Another suggestion: What if Tom actually gets out of his chair, annoyed and staring at the ceiling, and then finds himself back in the chair with a full page. I think it might add a little jolt to the audience.

All of these are suggestions that you can regard as you wish. Main point: don't make us read a 167 word passage. I liked the first draft and it sounds like the second draft is coming along great.

Why not do it in voice over?

Tom types away at his typewriter

                   TOM
      Carl slams the door behind him--

TYPEWRITER:  CARL SLAMS ON THE DOOR BEHIND HIM

he continues typing.

                    TOM (V.O.)
       Keeping the case of beer under his arm.  Vicky
       storms into the next room, her bleach blonde
       hair in a mess.

he takes a long drink from his beer.

                    TOM (V.O.)
       Her pale thighs can't hide underneath her
       lacy nightie.  "Where have you been?" she
       screams.

he finishes the beer and casually tosses the can to the floor.  It bounces
off of other empty cans, KLUNKING with each bounce.

                     TOM (V.O.)
        Holding a thin cigarette in her bony fingers.
        Carl stomps past her--

He continues typing.
                    
                      TOM (V.O.)
         In his thick work boots and drops the
         case on the small kitchen counter.

his fingers dance across the keyboard.



Doing it this way would give people some visual of him writing.

Of course, the best way to do this would be to show Vicky and Carl acting out their rolls (MOS) while Tom narrates it (kinda film noirish).



Phil

Souter Fell: Thanks for the suggestions... I like Tom getting up.

Bert: Not to sound bitchy, because I appreciate you taking a look, but Tom doesn't write the page. The machine writes it.

To make it clear that it is the mchine doing the typing and not the person conveniently situated in front of it, you might emphasize the clattering of the keys as well as Tom's hands being in his lap. Be sure to over-emphsize even the fact that both Tom and the machine are behaving independant of each other. The actual words on the screen are fairly irrelevant.

The suggestions you've been given work well enough. Always remember that a screenplay is little more than a blueprint for a movie to be made. Clarity is of the utmost importance in what you write. Step back and read it after you have it down and consider whether you fully understand it the way you've put it forth. Movies don't come with programs or liner notes and neither do screenplays.

Quoted from ABennettWriter Bert: Not to sound bitchy, because I appreciate you taking a look, but Tom doesn't write the page. The machine writes it.

I think you were talking to Phil.

Anyway...

Can Tom leave the room with a blank page, the typewriter starts clicking (or not to add effect) and return to a full page or paragraph that he reads the first few lines of, verbatim to what he heard from upstairs?

I think it would have the same effect, but eliminate the clunkiness you're worried about.