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Justin and his Mom by Helio J Corderio - Short - It is about son and mother who resent each other and have no one else in their lives. 11 pages - pdf, format
Having only read the synophisis my initial reaction is: interesting prospect.
Just got to the dream scene with the mother burning, up till now it's just been another Helio story, a good and very real situation which just screams "twist ending!" but like that's it. ...Now, when I read the dream scene and found out that it was in fact a dream and not real (I thought Justin had set fire to the trailer to kill his mom) it caught my interest. This was very well done.
And here we have the trailer on fire again! And we totally think the mom's inside but then we find out she's outside! I really aplaud you on your ability to add a good twists to a scene.
As for the ending, I half expected a twist in the ending too but didn't get it and I sort of look at that as a twist, if you know what I mean.
I always enjoy these shorts Helio, keep them coming! And take a look at "Knockaround Guys" just posted in the shorts section. That short means a lot to me.
When things go wrong I seem to be bad But I'm just a soul whose intentions are good Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood
Spencer, I hope to get an oportunity with the Indians like you!
Yeah Daniel, I thought to write another twist at the end, but there were two of them and they seemed to me enough. Thanks for you kind words, dude. I'll read your short soon, wait a little bit, okay?
I just read your script. You have quite a story packed into those 11 pages.
SPOILERS
I liked how you showed his frustration by him peeing on insects and blasting them away. When there's abuse, it usually carries on to the next generation in some way or another. He really didn't want to take care of her, but he felt he had to, and then again, he really did love her, too. And the mother, I really felt so bad for her. I was beginning to believe that she actually set the fire to burn herself up in... giving up on her life. The twist at the end was good, too.
I liked this one Helio. It was a good read.
Cindy
Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
Pretty good story here. I guess we both like burning trailers.
Sadly I know people who live in similar situations and it's not pretty. I can't say I was crazy about Justin, but at the same time I understand his frustration in life.
Ethel, well I do understand her situation in life and it's not a good one either. However, I do believe that no matter how much help you need, it's never right for a parent do be that dependant on their kid. She's essentially robbing him of a life of his own. That particular scenario I have seen up close in real life and that's the saddest of all, I think.
I agree with Cyndi about him peeing on the bugs and stuff showing his frustration. Good little detail.
The ending makes it seem like things might pick up and get better for them, but if you think about it, how will it really change? The insurance policy was for the trailer, right? Well, the trailer was a piece of junk so they wouldn't exactly get a lot of money for it. Usually insurance policies will only replace what was insured with something equal in value, I think.
Anyway, good story Helio, sorry I got hung up on details. I do that sometimes.
Nice little story. I agree with the others about the twists all over the place.
The ending kind of surprised me, but I like it.
Personally, I think the money from the insurance could be only a minor motivation for the mother to set the trailer on fire. (I agree with Pia about the limited payback there). However, getting rid of the trailer forces them to change their life, getting rid of their drama-filled old life, and maybe get a fresh start?
You captured Justin's frustration at his dead end life perfectly. Like Pia mentioned, Justin can see his life ebbing away looking after his mother and he resents her for it BUT he loves her and so takes on his responsibility.
The dream, I'm not sure I got why Justin is having them and not sure if they're a warning to him or whether they have more significance.
I guess the whole point of this is to show the love between mother and son and the sacrifices we make in life for our family, job well done then helio. I liked this.
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Very nice work. I like the duelling character arcs where Justin has to let go of his hate for his mother and Ethel had to move on past John. There's a nice economy of action that I've seen you use in the previous shorts I've read of yours. It's almost like seeing your name makes it a must read, as I always finish satisfied and fulfilled from a story and character perspective.
I think my participation in this very nice site made me happier and younger. I have just one or two or three words...Thanks a lot to everyone that have dispended its time reading my works.
Thanks!
Oh, thanks to all that lost its time helping me fixing my bad English!
Keep it up Helio. I always find them to be entertaining.
Cindy
Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
Like others have said, you do a great job of packing a ton of story (even some back story) into a mere 11 pages. I really felt for the characters and was so ecstatic when I finally found out that Justin didn't resent his mom.
Keep the shorts coming and I'll keep reading them! Two thumbs up!