From Soviet Russia with Love by Henry Gaskins - Short, Comedy - Zombies, necrophilia, pumpkins, pregnant teenagers and crude sex acts. Your typical Halloween night.  < 12 pages NOTE: This is really obscene - pdf, format

well this one fit the theme and genre pretty well, and I'm sure this will offend those with weak stomach's, but I'm not one of those .  This was pretty funny, toilet humor, but I like that so it didn't bother me at all.  I think things worked out to easy for Thurgood and Abraham, maybe a bit more conflict with the other carvers.  Other than that it was sick, vulgar, offensive, and I liked it

Yeah, this was pretty funny. Especially the first half. Kevin Smith dialogue VS Always Sunny in Philadelphia plotline. It worked for the most part, but it does sorta lack an ending.

The conflict, what gets the plot going doesn't come until page 7 or 8 which hurts the flow of the story some in a 12 pager.

But the dialogue was great and Thurgood and Abraham delivered some really neat banter.

The opening dialogue is fantastic -- really well done. That said, for the most part, I enjoyed this. The end, though, felt tacked on, as if lacking a clever ending, you went with a crude one instead.

Seth

Loved the opening gag...Took a while to set up, but enjoyable throughout to the final punchline that was well worth the build up.

The paying of the rent being "bad as a rear-ended in a Ford Pinto" was a funny reference, and the idea of hitting up thier local elemetary school was a good idea, that is, until the Jesus Pumpkin, which sends these guys spiraling into a completely different direction.  

Blackmail is always a good way to pay rent, especially when Cleveland and Heavy Equipment are used in the same sentence. (a significant step up from the tame by comparasion Cleveland Steamer)

Wicked good.

Joe

I got a real good idea where this one comes from -- but then, it also has an almost collaborative feel -- as if there may have been more than one participant involved in the mayhem.

I suspect there are two authors at work here.  Is anybody else feeling that?

This one opens with some great banter, but then loses its way near the end.

The Jesus pumpkin struck me as quite funny, and while I must admit that I have never heard of the odd sex act that punctuates this piece, I would question how you have the participants dressed and interacting with others so quickly after engaging in it.

Seems to me there would be a little cleanup involved.  Perhaps you could have wrung a little more humor out of the situation with hoses and mops during the finale.  But you were already running long, so whatever.

On-target with the challenge, and delivers some good laughs, but the ending lacks something.

OWC Score:  85%

I think I'm the same page as everyone else as far as liking the beginning, but felt it started to fall off a little near the end and end just a bit abruptly.

This is definitely a script that could have benefitted from those few extra pages we normally get, but even without them the story was still complete enough.

Hey,

I liked this one a lot, I thought the opening dialog was hilarious and strikingly similar to a conversation a friend and I once had.

While I don't seem to be as disappointed by the ending as some of the others were, its true I would have been happier to just stay in Abraham's and Thurgood's apartment and hangout with them.

Anyway, I thought it was really funny. You used the theme pretty well, although I thought you missed some opportunities while they were actually at the contest. Overall really good, nice job.

sheepwalker

The beginning: great. And I'm not just saying that because everyone else is. First of all, you're talking about zombies, so that's good. Second, it's such a grossout conversation that it's pretty funny. And it keeps going and things just keep getting more funny.

But then we start getting into more of the script and things just sort of fall loose. You mention jack-o-lanterns and there's only a small part where it actually shows someone carving on. But then you end up with a completely different conflict which, surprisingly, didn't really gross me out as much after all. I mean, if I actually saw that happening...

When I read the logline and saw the word 'zombies' I for sure thought that this was going to be a zombie script and I got prepared. And when I saw the part with the moaning, I didn't know it was THAT kind of moaning! Haha.

Your ending seemed a bit abrupt, probably because you were at the verge of getting on to page 13 (which, technically, would be 12 due to the title page doesn't really count), but yeah, there probably wouldn't be much to add after what just happened.

Anyways, good dialogue, nice descriptions (there was this one part of your description where I actually laughed out loud: From the amount of candy wrappers on the ground, its obvious that each kid is nearing a diabetic coma."), and good work.

Sean

I agree that the dialogue is good, but I thought it was too much of it. Sounds like a weird thing to say right after complimenting on it, but there was a lot of this banter and not much action.

Entering a pumpkin carving contest to pay rent is okay I guess, but I didn't really feel any tension, conflict, drama or whatever once they get there. Just more banter...

The end seemed a cheap way to end the story. Just a quick "we caught you doing something embarrassing, now we black mail you" and then it ends.

Maybe work on the ending some and try to add something "visual" here and there so it's not just two guys talking all the time.

Btw, I wasn't offended, but I didn't think the end worked.

LOL at your opening line, loved that.

It took me a second to think why a handjob in a church parkign was bad..but then after a few moments i got it . I'm so bad.

For me things started getting real slow around page 8. on't knnow why. Wait, just realized. The snappy dialogue went away and there were a few missed oppurtunities you could've taken. Ther was a point where the two main cahracters went into every single detail of every situation they were in which i felt was unessecary, because when you think about it, the mroe you talk about the insinificant stuff is how much more your taking up space on your page. Maybe cut some sentences down, trim it a bit.

Because when i got to the ending, it came sort of abruptly. and another thing, how did that lady rub the sh*t off her chest so fast? in my experience(which is none) i would think it'd take longer then jsuta  second, especially if it were dry.

One more thing, the last line 'f*** my life' i personaly think should change. Only because since your script ends sort of out of nowhere, maybe have him do something else. I know the russian is a smart witty one.

This was prob the funniest ive read so far. My kind of 'Superbad'-esque humor. Congrats!

Well, this was a pretty good read. I liked the characters. Stoners with smarts. I think they certainly generated some interesting conflict. Malenkov was a great villain as well. Stereotypical Russian characters and/or jokes about Soviet Russia are almost always funny IMO. The plot unfolded in an interesting way and there was definitely some great humor. I think the Jesus pumpkin was my favorite bit and everyone loves to see if they can top each other naming and describing obscure horrendous sex acts so the presence of the Cleveland Steamroller made for a fun, albiet gross, conclusion.

Not many problems here except for one and this one stuck out big time to me. I had a big problem with the opening dialogue about having sex with a zombie. It was just way too similar to Kevin Smith's The Flying Car. The topic of conversation was different but it unfolded in an almost identical fashion and some of the dialogue came directly from the short. I'm not sure if you've seen it or not. This dialogue reads very naturally so it's possible that you haven't but the two just came off way too similar to me. I honestly didn't see what it's purpose was either. It's a little on the long side and doesn't set up for much to come.

Anyway, overall, a good read.

Quoted from James McClung I had a big problem with the opening dialogue...It was just way too similar to Kevin Smith's The Flying Car...it unfolded in an almost identical fashion and some of the dialogue came directly from the short.

Interesting.  I'll bet that is why I was getting the feeling of two authors on this one.  This almost felt like two scripts that had been pasted together.

It will be interesting to read the author's response to this when the names are finally revealed.

I liked this one. I liked this one A LOT, but I also think the ending needs something.

I laughed out loud quite a few times with this one. Characters were really good, so was the dialogue, and the story itself. The ending needs just a little something.

Very good job though.  

Cindy

I found the beginning quite funny, it reminded me of my friends at Uni and sick drunken 'would you?' scenarios coming up, like 'Would you have sex with with your dad to save your mum's life?' etc. Gross but funny lol. My favourite line was actually when Thurgood said 'Just stop talking to me' lol, perhaps because it's the kind of response I've had when playing this game!

I felt it became less funny as it went on. I'm not too familiar with Kevin Smith's stuff but others have said the beginning closely followed his style. Perhaps when the actual plot kicked in and you veered off your own course you struggled a bit. I didn't like how the random but funny dialog changed midway and they starting talking in a 'Right. How can we--?' 'There's just one problem. We don't--' Good point. We need to think of a--, 'That might just work! Now all we need is--' sort of way. It felt uninspired, kind of like Scooby-Doo expositional dialog, especially compared to how they were talking in the earlier scenes.

Not a massive fan of the ending either, like Pia said, it's not offensive, just not that effective. But I laughed when Thurgood walked in on the horrific sight - 'Thurgood just nods and then after a few moments, he vomits uncontrollably' lol, that made me laugh, nicely written.

The script seemed inconsistent in tone but there were a fair number of funny moments in here (Malenkov was cool -- 'In Soviet Russia', lol, that was a good running gag) .