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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short  ›  Eternal Memories Moderators: bert
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SimplyScripts
Posted: November 4th, 2007, 2:50pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Eternal Memories by Timothy F. Betts (souter fell) - Short - A tribute filmmaker forces a grieving son to decide how much his mother's memory is worth. 9 pages - pdf, format


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Takeshi
Posted: November 4th, 2007, 10:26pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Tim,

I enjoyed this. The whole slide show in a tombstone deal was interesting and the revelations about Charles' mother were very amusing. I really enjoyed the to-and-fro between Henry and Charles.

The only typo I noticed was on page 5, when Henry said: 'Don’t worried. I used a lot of the photos you supplied as well.

Good Job.
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bert
Posted: November 4th, 2007, 10:38pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this one, too.  Interesting concept, decent payoff.

On a techinical note, I found it awkward that the television would suddenly go MOS after we have just been listening to it.  That would appear odd on the screen.

Better to have Henry turn down the volume as he makes his entrance, perhaps.

And I think his final price might have been a little steep.  100 grand?  Not believable to me.  Maybe bring that down a bit.

That, or somehow establish up front that Charlie is rolling in dough.

Both those should be easy fixes.  Not much to complain about here.


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Mr. Ripley
Posted: November 4th, 2007, 11:43pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Souter Fell,

This is the first time reading one of your works and I am pleased with it. Dialgoue was fine. The story was pretty funny.

Only minor mistakes:

Formatting. Of course, no one is perfect especially in this area but there should be some order in when you show the tv and then back to Charlie and Henry. You would write the scene heading for the television but not inform the reader when they were looking at Charlie and Henry. It's probably me since Bert and Chris Reid didn't have a problem reading it. But something to note, nevertheless.

Also on page 9, the second to last line of dialgoue, you confused Charles with Henry. I think the diagloue was meant to be said by Henry.  

I also agree with Bert in the exhortion money. Too much. It should be an easy transaction that would not draw many eyes upon it.

Hope this helps,
Gabe


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Souter Fell
Posted: November 5th, 2007, 7:34am Report to Moderator
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hey guys

Thanks for the reads. Glad you guys enjoyed it. From what you guys said, I guess the genre would be comedy, black comedy. I was actually unsure of what genre you would put this in.

Sorry bout the couple of typos. I checked it a bunch and even had others do the same but sometimes it still falls through.

As for the extortion, maybe I'll see if I can't squeeze in her being rich. Maybe she parlayed the survivor's benefit into a fortune. Trick is doing it without it being forced.

Oh, and the sample playing in the lobby continues MOS as in we don't pay attention to it anymore. It's still playin but to no consequence. If there is a better way to say this I'm open to suggestions.

Anyway, thanks again for the reads.

Tim


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James Carlette
Posted: November 5th, 2007, 10:45am Report to Moderator
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Great short.

As the others have noted, there are a few typos. I'd put a comma after "The door opens" in the first line. But nothing else really jumped out at me.

My only real suggestion would be establishing the character of Charles a bit more - just a little background on him would be nice... an idea of what he does for living or something. As it is I found him slightly bland. Though that might just be because he's up against an interesting character like Henry.




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Shelton
Posted: November 5th, 2007, 11:37am Report to Moderator
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Hey Tim,

I liked the story here.  For the most part, it's just two people talking in a room, but what they're talking about, coupled with the twist, makes for an interesting read.

I agree with Bert that the asking price of 100k is a bit much, but that's only because I don't know if it's something that Charles is able to pay.

Others have pointed out the typos, but nothing was overly distracting.

Anyway, good work.  I enjoyed it.


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The boy who could fly
Posted: November 5th, 2007, 12:22pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Timothy, i thought you did a really good job with this short, even though it's just two people talking it never got boring, which is a hard thing to do, so congrats on that.  I liked how this was a blackmail scheme, I didn't think that's what this was going to be about.  Henry and Charles were both interesting and I liked how it got heated near the end, then when the blackmail came that was quite amusing.  I wouldn't be surprised if you got an email from a film student on this one, being only two actors and one location it would be a fairly easy shoot.  Anyways I think you did a very good job here.


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sniper
Posted: November 5th, 2007, 3:42pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Tim,

I know I've already given you my thoughts on this once, but you changed some things so here I go again.

This was very good – a nice, kinda evil, twist you put in there. I thought Henry came across just right – a salesperson with an edge that really lives for the trade. Nice work on the structure as well, I thought the three acts were pretty well defined. Iro. the cutting back and forth between the tribute and the actual scene worked really well.

All in all I thought this was very solid and pretty original.

Like I mentioned the first time around, you still might want to have a look at Charles' reaction to when Henry mentions Tennessee. It works a little better now that you have changed it, but I think it could still use a little more...something. The "Hmm, Mother never talked much about her childhood" part doesn't really sell it imo. Of course his mother talked about her childhood - they always do - she just didn't mention anything about Tennessee or the other bad things she did. See what I'm getting at? You could build the suspence right there in that exchange.

Other than that it was really good.


Cheers
Rob


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Souter Fell
Posted: November 5th, 2007, 5:50pm Report to Moderator
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Hey guys,

Thanks for the gander. I think, addressing James and Sniper's issues, I may have to make Charles a little bit more of a momma's boy. Snipe the feeling I get off of Charles is he's usually a very passive guy. I think if anything, he's surprised and yet slightly hurt to find out that his mother spent "a lot of time in tennensee" and he didn't know about it. Of course he's too much of a mesh to express it and risk roccking the boat. I'll see if I can't capture that.

As for the ransom, that was one of the things I was worried about. Mike and Bert, you think if I casually alluded to the old lady's wealth, say by referencing a scholarship fund or maybe some building she financed or something along the lines of a highly productive pillar of society, people connect the dots that her son probably was left a good deal in her wheel? And do you think that it would not cause too much a contrast to her earlier deeds to the point where it seems unbelievable?

TBWCF, I would love to hook up with the right film student to see this to life. I was even thinking if need be, Charles could be casted younger as a grandchild if need be, although the older man makes the twist seem more crushing. This woman he's adored for sixty-odd years is really...

Anyway, thanks again for your support guys.


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Blakkwolfe
Posted: November 5th, 2007, 6:24pm Report to Moderator
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Tim;

Nice job on this...Can see the day coming (Nope...Checked Google, you're more on top death oriented technology than I am)...Definitly a danger when those skeletons pop out of the closet and distort the rose colored memories, and a pretty lie costs more than an ugly truth. Good build-up as we see the truth start to arise and Charlie is forced to deal with it.

Joe


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tomson
Posted: November 6th, 2007, 3:12pm Report to Moderator
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I've read about 500 short scripts so far this year on various websites and I'm going to take a break and only read features for a while. Yours will be the last one and let me say that it was a nice one to end with.

I had not read any of the previous comments so I had no idea what this was going to be about. At first I thought it was going to be serious drama, but as Henry's video played along I started getting a smile on my face.

I like the idea here and thought it was amusing. Maybe have Charles be a little more emotional in the beginning and then show him getting more and more shocked.

I thought it ended a little abrubt. Like Charles just went along with Henry's scheme. I would have liked to see Charles a little more outraged as he realizes he has no choice.

Good short that would be easy to film.  
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courhaw
Posted: November 8th, 2007, 1:14am Report to Moderator
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Reading this script was really worth it. Your flow is smooth. Your descriptions vivid. I liked it.
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Souter Fell
Posted: November 9th, 2007, 9:39am Report to Moderator
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Hey pia and courhaw,

Thanks for the looks. Pia, glad you liked this one as your 2007 short swan song read. Yeah, the ending is abrupt. Didn't want to draw it out. I rationalize it by thinking that Charles is a doormat of a man. Him screaming "f*ck you" is probably the most public aggression he has displayed in years. I think he is a very internalizing man, whether it was because of his upbringing with his mother or other causes. The movie outside the movie. I'll see what I can do.

Thanks

P.S. With all the positive reaction, I've been thinking of using this as a springboard to a feature but I think that's because I'm procrastinating in my research for my next feature.


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Mr.Z
Posted: January 1st, 2008, 12:26pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Tim, just had a look at this one.

I liked it. I remember watching a movie (The Final Cut) which had a similar premise but you took this one into another direction.

It was quite a meaty conflict to make Charles learn the awfull truth about his mother and I liked the irony of this happening because of a service he paid for himself. The “beware of what you wish for” theme always seems to work.

Sorry that I can’t make any useful suggestions; I’ve got no complaints here. I think it’s quite a solid piece.

Very well done.
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