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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Solium Moderators: bert
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  Author    Solium  (currently 6384 views)
Don
Posted: December 20th, 2009, 8:32pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Solium by SeanElwood (thedeadwalk2nite) - Horror - A team of US Coast Guards are sent to check out a stalled cruise liner in the middle of the frigid Alaskan waters, and they soon find out that something went horribly wrong on the "Solium of the Seas". All aboard the cruise ship to Hell. 116 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

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Don  -  September 8th, 2010, 7:19pm
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Grandma Bear
Posted: December 20th, 2009, 8:37pm Report to Moderator
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Most people nowadays might know him better as Zombie Sean.

[Nice catch, Pia.  Fixed.  bert]


Btw, I think he did really good with this one!  


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Zombie Sean
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Don, thanks for getting this up. This is the most worked on script I've ever written, took about five months to finally get to where it is today. I went through a couple drafts, with the help from Michael Cornetto and Pia (Pia helped so much that I wanted to give her credit as well, but she denied it ), so hopefully this one works best with anyone who gives it a read.

Pia, I thought about using Zombie Sean as my username, but for all of my scripts I've written thedeadwalk2nite because it's my original username, and I love traditions, so I just kept it with thedeadwalk2nite. And towards your comment about the script, thanks!

Sean

[sigh...fixed it back, then.  Sheesh. bert]

[Oh bert, stop it . Sean]



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Zombie Sean  -  December 20th, 2009, 10:55pm
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stevie
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Hi Sean. I read the first few pages and I'm in!  I will read it over xmas and post a review.



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grademan
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Hey Sean,

I liked Solium! Congrats on finishing a feature script. It must feel pretty good.

Some comments:

-- Solium isn’t the best title for this as it implies a sci-fi theme. To me anyway.

-- The introduction of the Coast Guards was confusing to me. This would probably be easier on film where I can see the different characters. Your descriptions were good and different enough but it was kind of like seeing your first Star Trek episode when you try to figure who’s who on the landing party and who’s expendable and who isn’t. Once I figured out they were intros in about order of importance, I was cool.

-- If the infected were so smart, why didn’t they take the Coast Guard boat or helicopter before and simply spread from those points? An advance attack force.

[BTW, it would have been awesome to see the Solium be the ship that runs into the ship at berth in Rob’s story THE BAY. Talk about a cluster fuck!]

-- The Coast Guard SWAT team was a different twist. Not quite Navy Seals. Good choice.

-- Gore was good. Each event a step above each proceeding event though I am not sure Hien would have hung on for as long as he did.

-- The obligatory scene on a cruise ship: The long fall a la Poseidon Adventure with a twist this time.

-- The new guy (TRENT) is always expendable after he provides key medical conclusions.

-- Interesting how one of the CG, ran when faced with the infected. I liked it. I would have run too. And I would have been killed even quicker.

-- Some great scenes: Cyrus screaming and the reactions to it, Cyrus’s hand, the lady cutting off Kellen’s finger, 2 vs 2,000, and a few more.

-- I was confused by the infected desires to spread their kind but at the same time main and kill their potential hosts. Kind of liked that.

-- I dislike “beat” for pauses. At least you didn’t overdo it. My hang up, I’ll suffer by myself.

-- The bolds confused me too at the beginning because the scene headings weren’t bolded but then it settled down. Were only locations, not scene headings bolded?

-- Dialogue. Longish in spots. Melissa’s quirky first spouting could have been simply “I’m pregnant” and let that sink in with the audience.

-- The scene with everyone crying over Melissa/Britt’s tragedy was of doubtful impact. I am not sure you could get tears out of a group of people in this ship. Maybe. Maybe not.

-- No qualms about the story except maybe the end was a little too cute with the two kids with the camera but you fixed that when the ship crashed into land.

-- P.19 only typo I found “gabs” should be “grabs”

-- Wording was a bit off for me but that’s a style thing. I think it’s a difference in word choice. You say "Kellen prepares to fight" and I say "Kellen tenses -- ready to fight."

Not bad, Sean, not bad at all.

Gary


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Zombie Sean
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Quoted from grademan
I liked Solium! Congrats on finishing a feature script. It must feel pretty good.


Thanks for reading and I'm glad you liked it! Yes, it does feel good, since this is the longest I've spent on a feature length script, and it's nice to finally get it up on here.


Quoted Text
-- Solium isn�t the best title for this as it implies a sci-fi theme. To me anyway.


I see where you're at, but I just liked the name Solium (plus, it's a type of parasite, so I figured it'd help with the story )


Quoted Text
-- The introduction of the Coast Guards was confusing to me. This would probably be easier on film where I can see the different characters. Your descriptions were good and different enough but it was kind of like seeing your first Star Trek episode when you try to figure who�s who on the landing party and who�s expendable and who isn�t. Once I figured out they were intros in about order of importance, I was cool.


The way I had been seeing it in my head (with this most recent draft) I imagined sort of a like a documentary type, with the camera being handheld, focusing on only the introduced characters (that's why there's (O.S.) by Dean's name when he talks). Yeah, the characters are also sorta introduced from most important to least important (with a few exceptions). But I can understand where you'd get confused, with so many characters being introduced at once, it's hard to keep up with it. This was one of the biggest problems in my script, introducing the characters in a way that the reader can keep up with them.


Quoted Text
-- If the infected were so smart, why didn�t they take the Coast Guard boat or helicopter before and simply spread from those points? An advance attack force.


That's a good assumption on what happened with the CG boat when they went back to check and find it missing...


Quoted Text
[BTW, it would have been awesome to see the Solium be the ship that runs into the ship at berth in Rob�s story THE BAY. Talk about a cluster fuck!]


Ha ha, that would be pretty sweet, sorta the two scripts connecting together.


Quoted Text
-- The Coast Guard SWAT team was a different twist. Not quite Navy Seals. Good choice.


I know, I was hoping those who read this see more of a SWAT team going on the ship, rather than the Navy Seals or just people on patrol, because I wanted more of a Resident Evil look and feel to it when it came to how they dressed and with their weapons and whatnot.


Quoted Text
-- Gore was good. Each event a step above each proceeding event though I am not sure Hien would have hung on for as long as he did.


Glad you liked the gore, I think this might be my most disgusting script I've written so far. You're right about Hien, but hey, I've never been skinned alive before, so who knows how long the human body can last through that kind of carnage? (both mentally and physically).


Quoted Text
-- Interesting how one of the CG, ran when faced with the infected. I liked it. I would have run too. And I would have been killed even quicker.


Good thing you went along with that. I don't think a lot of people would expect these tough guys to run, but in all honesty, when you're dealing with something you have no idea about, and you have all these people charging at you, all fucked up and whatnot, I would probably run as well.


Quoted Text
-- The bolds confused me too at the beginning because the scene headings weren�t bolded but then it settled down. Were only locations, not scene headings bolded?


Looking at the script, I only have about three main locations which I think require slugs. And when you're stuck with these locations, I focused more on the area of that location, which is bolded, rather than using a slug every time I switched from deck to deck. I thought it'd make things a bit cleaner and more comprehensible on where the characters are at.


Quoted Text
-- Dialogue. Longish in spots. Melissa�s quirky first spouting could have been simply �I�m pregnant� and let that sink in with the audience.


Yeah, I see what you're saying, but I felt as though there needed to be a little more explanation just for anything that she was doing and a bit of a background for her.


Quoted Text
-- The scene with everyone crying over Melissa/Britt�s tragedy was of doubtful impact. I am not sure you could get tears out of a group of people in this ship. Maybe. Maybe not.


Pia pointed out the same thing, and basically you have Michelle crying for the possible loss of her family, Britt's unstable emotion about creating a family, and everyone else just realising that they're pretty much fucked.


Thanks again, Gary, for taking the time to read this. I'll fix up that typo (I read over this script a good number of times and tried to pick out as many typos as I could find, so thanks for pointing that one out), and as always, your comments and criticism are greatly appreciated.

Sean


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sniper
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Hey Sean,

I�m about halfway through Solium and I just want to give you my initial thoughts (btw. I looked up the word Solium and found out that there's this parasite called Taenia solium which is a pork tapeworm of all things, obviously this has nothing to do with your script, I just felt like sharing that...for some reason).

Powerful opening scene - liked that one a lot cos' you hit the ground running which is always good. But...salmon? You sure you couldn't find something more interesting for them to talk about? I personally like salmon but...not in a script, dawg. Having the opening scene shot through a camera (jeez, how else would you do it? You know what I mean), the obvious question will always be: why does he keep filming? When the woman falls, why doesn't he put the camera down? But I guess this is how it's done nowadays in movies (Cloverfield), so I personally don't have any problems with that.

BEGIN WEAPON RANT

What I do have a problem with is your weaponry. You mention that the Coast Guards have M16s, M4s and the Remington. That's cool, all of them are part of the Coast Guard's weaponry, but since this is for a movie, you really want your guns to either sound awesome or look cool. The Remington (shotgun) obvisouly sounds awesome and the M4 is probably the coolest assualt rifle ever designed, with the scope and shit (I mean, look at it, it just makes whoever's carrying it look bad-motherfucking-ass)...then there's the M16. No no no no no, that's about the gayest looking assualt rifle ever (the AK is not far behind). Not only does it look like a toy, it also sounds like one. Even though the M16 and M4 are really the same weapon, the M4 just looks waaaay better. So please, lose the M16, Sean. For me?

GAY


COOL


UBER-COOL


END WEAPON RANT

God, it felt great to get that out of the system. Quite anal, wasn't it?

Okay, moving on. After the opening scene things slow down a bit too much and it actually takes quite a while before the pace picks up again. You introduce a lot of characters early on and I did have some problems keeping up with who's who. Maybe you could introduce them in chunks so to speak, maybe three at the time. Also, there's a lot of exposition through dialogue in that scene on the Interceptor. Characters telling what they're like instead of you showing it. Also, I think I counted three times in a short time span where Connor is called a "dick". I don't think that was necessary.

I think in general you could cut down on the dialogue, there's too much redundancy where the same thing is shown/told in the action or throgh the dialouge. Here's an example:


Quoted from Solium, pg. 41
          DEAN
I�ll call for Lori and have her
find Cyrus.
     (Into walkie-talkie)
Hey, Lori, you there?

Or he could just call Lori without telling that he's doing it, you know? There are other instances like this. It's not a huge problem but it does hurt a bit.

You could probably save the scene where they find out that the Interceptor is gone for later. I think it would work better, raise the tension, if they find that out when they're trying to leave and not before the shit hits the fan.

I understand what you�re doing with your slugs, I mean it makes sense since it�s basically one interior shot. But sometimes you are using double slugs like:

Quoted from Solium, pg. 38
DECK 5
DINING HALL - NIGHT

I would personally do it like this: DECK 5 - DINING HALL - NIGHT. Just a suggestion.

Overall I think you're doing really well in establishing the creepyness of the ship as they walk around in the corridors, nicely done. Some scary shit's about to happen. Tears her face off? Fuck me! Awesome scene.

Okay, I'm up to page 46 and all hell has broken loose - which means everything's good

Stay tuned for more.

Cheers
Rob


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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rendevous
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Can guns be gay? Do they mince and send their bullets off in a campy way? Fond of colourful straps, Shirley Bassey and glitter?

Back on topic. My second zombie jobby in the last few weeks. They're like buses in Manchester - you wait for ages then a couple come along together.

'Bout half way myself now. I'm gonna start it again shortly as I got a little confused. Not your fault, mine for being slack and easily distracted.

Good though. Interesting in that's a lot different than Rob's 'The Bay'

I'll be back in a few days. Good work so far.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

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The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

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Quoted from rendevous
Can guns be gay? Do they mince and send their bullets off in a campy way? Fond of colourful straps, Shirley Bassey and glitter?

Actually, and this may be surprising to most, but, yeah. That's exactly what they do. Of course, most of them look like this though:




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Scar Tissue Films
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Quoted from rendevous
Can guns be gay? Do they mince and send their bullets off in a campy way? Fond of colourful straps, Shirley Bassey and glitter?

Back on topic. My second zombie jobby in the last few weeks. They're like buses in Manchester - you wait for ages then a couple come along together.

'Bout half way myself now. I'm gonna start it again shortly as I got a little confused. Not your fault, mine for being slack and easily distracted.

Good though. Interesting in that's a lot different than Rob's 'The Bay'

I'll be back in a few days. Good work so far.

R


You're from the Republic of Mancunia?

Me too. Are you anyone I know?
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rendevous
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Dec

I'm not Tony Wilson. He's dead.

I dunno if you know me. You go that dodgy club behind the bookies?


Quoted from sniper

Actually, and this may be surprising to most, but, yeah. That's exactly what they do. Of course, most of them look like this though:


Your pic didn't work, but it's too good to miss. I added to my site as I can be good like that..

Now that's a gay gun. I bet it's real fun at parties.





R


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Alright, Sean, since I haven't read any of you work in quite some time - I figured I would give this one a read.

Pretty damn good set up. Connor is hilarious, and probably my favorite character so far. Everyone else is developing nicely... good job so far. I do have to agree with the shitload of characters being introduced in the beginning, but I understand. It wasn't too much of a problem. Did turn me off on reading this before, but once you get through it - it's not to bad. Great descriptions also!

pg. 23 as of right now. I'm still going with Connor as my favorite "this fucker is gonna get us killed". But I also like Trent to. I have someone named Trent that goes to my school, and he's pretty much just like this. Great stuff so far man.

Hitting 41 - this is reading faster then most scripts I usually read. Which is real good. So far, you've creeped the fuck out of me. I was a little disappointed then Cyrus was knocked off, and we didn't see him go out in a shi-bang. But then again, maybe it is a little typical to have the toughest character survive long because... he's presumed to be the badass. Did I just point out originality? Who knows! You did get a little cheesy when Amber found Don. I hate it when characters who aren't evil, creep up on other characters. It's like, couldn't you have said something? Sorry, I'm just to damn realistic. I doesn't really need to be changed, I'm just a nagger. lol

Man... Kellen got fucked up. GREAT FUCKING KILL! I feel bad for the guy.
Wow.... BEATRICE IS A BITCH. Hope she gets a good death.
Ah... Don is drunk. Make's a little more sense on why he creepily creeped up.

"Nice going, you crazy bitch! That�s
them! They�re coming! I can�t run
in this condition!"
  - Possibly my favorite line so far.

On pg. 61 - I'm pretty sure you reference Don as Dean a couple of times (as he tries to grab the bottles)

God damn it? Really? Connor just had to fucking close the doors on Amber. Way to make him unlikable anymore Sean. You bastard!

DUN! DUN! DUN! DUN DUN DUN DUN! Salmon? Pretty good little explanation. I was wondering what the hell started all of this. It's a little cheesy, but I will buy it.

Pretty tense moment here with the climbing down the decks. I'd be a little worried also. Though that's why you shouldn't have killed of Kellen so early. He's the one who's afraid of heights.

I thought the whole crying scene worked out perfectly. Everyone pretty much had a reason to do that, and if I were in the same position... I would have been bawling my fucking eyes out earlier.

Damn you sean! ANOTHER FAVORITE CHARACTER KILLED.
I swear, if Don dies - I will be angry!

You son of a bitch....

----------------------------

Alrighty, just finished that. Very quick read - and very fucking entertaining. That was gross, bloody, funny, etc... it was just fucking great. The ending was my least favorite part. I loved the fact that Britt and Dean are the last two, both still infected, and end up dying heroes. It was pretty bad ass. I was pissed that Don had to die though. This was pretty narly, and there was twists and turns all over the place. I loved it!

The one thing that bugs me... Michelle? Really? She's introduced into the game a whole lot later then everyone else - and has the least amount of character development then anyone else. The only thing special about her is the baby. She's pregnant. I thought it was great how Britt wanted to protect her. I just feel Michelle should be introduced a little earlier, so we get the feel for her a little more.

Otherwise, everything else is pretty good. The way I expected everyone to die was completely different - so cheers on trying to not be predictable. And those were some good, creative kills.  The character development was great (except for you know who). I feel like there should be some more drunken thoughts from Don. He stayed quiet a lot through the whole thing. Otherwise, great work. I didn't find any typos (and I'm pretty good at that when its not my work) and great descriptions.

Oh and a few quick words on the ending. I thought the way you did it was perfect (the ship crashing into the pier) and the whole worm crawling on the video camera was gross and awesome. It's just.. he would have dropped the camera. A lot earlier. Like, maybe, when his girlfriend was getting attacked? I don't know. If you changed it and made it shorter. I'd be fine with it. I'm fine with the way it is now, it's just - I really doubt he would have sat there and watched his girlfriend get attacked.


What am I working on?!?
Splatter - Revisions
Bad Hare - Writing
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The beginning dialogue about the salmon is maybe a tad long and on the nose.
When the lady crashes, her arms bend in impossible directions, as does her arms.  Should be as do.
‘every one is still from where they were’  when they hear the scream.  That sentence doesn’t make much sense.
P5  Pretty sure you don’t refer to steering a boat as driving.  Piloting maybe.  
Also the way you introduce the other crew members is a tad awkward, they seem to come out of nowhere.
Having all the characters formally introduce themselves is a little weird, seems a tad unrealistic to me.  Kind of like a cheap way to introduce them.  With Conner you did better, his character was explained through the others reactions to him, and his dialogue.  Would be nice to do the others in the same way.
P16 It looks smaller than from the ones I’ve seen. Need to delete from.

Not to get into the whole sexuality of firearms debate, but most guys that actually depend on weapons lean towards less gadgets attached to the weapon rails.  Especially on the ocean where rust, battery life, and weight are pretty serious issues.
But I’m sure if this was ever made, whatever was listed specifically in the script wont matter either way.

Walkie talkies don’t have stations, they have frequencies.
The GPS cords would include several decimals.  I would guess that it being a ship they would include a vector as well.
M4s and M16s don’t use clips, they use magazines.  And yes, there is a difference.  

Really?  Splitting up?  Really??

DECK 7
Amber, already ready for action.  That’s a lot of ready.

P32 amber slides her car into the slot, should be card.
Very nicely done with loris death, lights fading in and out. Creepy shite
“you cant make a guy like him scream like that.”  You use that line twice.

And once they start dying they still stayed split up?  And send kellen to go find what happened to cyrus all alone?  Really?

Need to rethink the separation thing.  Maybe take separate elevators, or someone refuses to trust elevators.  Then one elevator gets stuck on lower floor.  Getting them separated is all good, but just a tad ludicrous to imagine the boss sending them all out alone on purpose to hunt for ‘pirates’

Seems like finding the two survivors one after another was a little easy.  Maybe put one before cyrus dies.  So they find a survivor, then cyrus finds his, which turns out to be bad, then they find the other.

Several parts of the writing could be simplified a bit.  Example: His body hits
the twisted metal art sculpture hanging over the lobby.
Kellen’s scream cuts off as his body smashes into the
sculpture.  Those two sentences would probably be better as just one, ‘Kellens scream cuts off as his body smashes into the twisted metal art sculpture.’
Also right after that, you have his scream get weaker after it was already cut off.  Then it cuts off again.  Need to clarify.

I like having the zombies actually be smart.  Makes them a little more human and scarier too.

P65  might want to clarify the whole kellen pulling off his own face, at first I thought he was pulling conners, then another moment to realize it was just his face.    Had to read it twice.
You say he face’s down.  Should be either faces down, or better, is face down.

That’s up to page 72, I'll finish the rest later.  So far the biggest issue I have is the believability of some of the coast guard actions.  Also in your comments you say they are basically a swat team, but I dont remember that being explained in the script.  might want to clarify that they are a pirate response team or something to that effect.  because they dont really act like your everyday coast guard members, and seem to have a pretty different skill set.  
Other than the issues around the characters I like it alot.  Very good kill scenes, and generally creepy vibe.  I could see this being pretty damn good.


Mine:
HARD CASE
            (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

APU
            (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
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P74  Britt empties her gun into the glass door?  That they want to hold?
Might want to introduce the parasites a little earlier, even if its just a quick visual of some worms wriggling amongst all the dead bodies.
Yea definitely agree theres no reason for michelle to go into a page long spiel about being pregnant.  Just saying I’m pregnant would be fine.
I’m all for Britt being into saving the pregnant chick, I’m guessing that has something to do with her and dean obviously.  But her speechifying and the others reaction is a little long and silly.  I don’t think theres a reason to be taking us out of the action for this long.  You could make the same points much more concisely and smoothly, imo.
Yea, then you go right into her explaining everything with dean.  It’s a fine backstory, but them just telling random people all about it?  Right in the middle of a parasitic zombie pirate attack?  I would spread out the two events and have a little better lead up to her spilling her guts.
Damn then everyone cries.  You’re killing me with all this emotional stuff.
Couple scenes with skinning, especially of the face.  Not bad, but maybe a tad repetitive.
Who’s wes?  Not sure you introduced him properly.
Don handing the gun to michelle seemed a little forced.  Maybe have him laughing and relieved, she takes the gun away before he accidently shoots anyone, or something like that.  Just how its written its kind of an obvious set up.
I think the ending scene was way too long.  It takes the audience all of one second to know where you are going with it, and whatever characters we meet are obviously about to die.  Which is fine, but since we just had all the real characters die, cept michelle, it would be nice to keep it tight and brief.  Like them joking laughing, not paying attention, then suddenly the solium right on top of them, people screaming.  Then maybe some quick jumps in the camera footage,  people running, brief shot of the infected, the girl getting taken down, then camera staring up at a weird angle from the ground, beat, parasite crawls across it.  That says exactly the same thing, just without doing one of those long false endings after the audience is already sated.

Overall I liked it a lot, defiantely an excellent zombie flick with a little work.  With all of the zombie movies made I’d sure its been done before, but I cant think of any off the top of my head that used parasites, so kudos on that.  Relatively few typos/format issues.  I think some work on the emotional clusterfuck in the middle might be nice, maybe spread out those couple scenes, make them a little less forced.

But all the good stuff is there, badass kills, gorey guts, and some gross out stuff.  And generally cool characters.  Nicely done.


Mine:
HARD CASE
            (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

APU
            (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
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Zombie Sean
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Rob, I'll get back to you once you've reviewed the entire script so I don't have separate responses to your comments.


Toran,

Thanks for reading, man. Glad you really enjoyed it (put a smile on my face, yeh )


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Pretty damn good set up. Connor is hilarious, and probably my favorite character so far. Everyone else is developing nicely... good job so far. I do have to agree with the shitload of characters being introduced in the beginning, but I understand. It wasn't too much of a problem. Did turn me off on reading this before, but once you get through it - it's not to bad. Great descriptions also!


Thanks. I wanted to start this one off with a bang, since my other scripts usually take a long time to finally get the action going (character development, build-up, etc.) so hopefully the beginning keeps the reader interested. Everyone has been having trouble with the sudden amount of characters being introduced, so I will finally go ahead and please you all by going back and kind of separating them a bit to try and make it more comprehensible.


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pg. 23 as of right now. I'm still going with Connor as my favorite "this fucker is gonna get us killed". But I also like Trent to. I have someone named Trent that goes to my school, and he's pretty much just like this. Great stuff so far man.


Odd, I wanted Connor to be the guy everyone hated (I tried making him annoying, and an asshole). But it's a good thing that you liked him as well, shows that he has some potential at making a friend


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itting 41 - this is reading faster then most scripts I usually read. Which is real good. So far, you've creeped the fuck out of me. I was a little disappointed then Cyrus was knocked off, and we didn't see him go out in a shi-bang. But then again, maybe it is a little typical to have the toughest character survive long because... he's presumed to be the badass. Did I just point out originality? Who knows! You did get a little cheesy when Amber found Don. I hate it when characters who aren't evil, creep up on other characters. It's like, couldn't you have said something? Sorry, I'm just to damn realistic. I doesn't really need to be changed, I'm just a nagger. lol


Great! Glad to be creeping you out. I wanted to go for a more eerie atmosphere. And when Don finds Amber, who knows, he could have mistaken Amber for another zombie-dude But I know what you mean (just look at The Descent when they first make contact with the crawlers and what happens to Beth...)


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Man... Kellen got fucked up. GREAT FUCKING KILL! I feel bad for the guy.
Wow.... BEATRICE IS A BITCH. Hope she gets a good death.
Ah... Don is drunk. Make's a little more sense on why he creepily creeped up.


Ha ha, thanks for the compliment. I wanted Kellen's death to be brutal just so the audience can get the feel for what they're getting themselves into. I wanted Beatrice to be a bitch. First, I was going to make her the sweet old lady, but for some reason I just turned her into a jerk and decided I liked it better that way. And yes, Don's drunken-ness is also a factor for why he creeped up


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On pg. 61 - I'm pretty sure you reference Don as Dean a couple of times (as he tries to grab the bottles)


I'm pretty sure I've caught a few of those mistakes myself when I was proof-reading this thing. I'll go over it again and try and catch those mistakes.


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God damn it? Really? Connor just had to fucking close the doors on Amber. Way to make him unlikable anymore Sean. You bastard!


Ah yes, the ultimate move to make everyone dislike Connor in this script. You glad he got picked off now?


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DUN! DUN! DUN! DUN DUN DUN DUN! Salmon? Pretty good little explanation. I was wondering what the hell started all of this. It's a little cheesy, but I will buy it.


A little cheesy? How about a little realistic? Ha ha, naw, but I always have a fear that there may be some parasite thing in the fish I eat (if I ever eat any, I hate fish) or the sushi I'm forced to try, so I think that it's a good idea that will make you think twice next time you eat something like...fish...


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Pretty tense moment here with the climbing down the decks. I'd be a little worried also. Though that's why you shouldn't have killed of Kellen so early. He's the one who's afraid of heights.


Right, yeah, it would have been good to do that, but then again, he's so afraid of them that he'd probably just stay up there and get himself killed, and I think that that would have been a less-entertaining death than the one he originally has


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I thought the whole crying scene worked out perfectly. Everyone pretty much had a reason to do that, and if I were in the same position... I would have been bawling my fucking eyes out earlier.


You know, I think you may be the only one who actually likes this scene. Everyone else is sorta iffy on it.


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Damn you sean! ANOTHER FAVORITE CHARACTER KILLED.
I swear, if Don dies - I will be angry!

You son of a bitch....


MUAHAHA > : D

Oh, and was that other favourite character of yours Trent? I think his death is pretty brutal as well, even if it's the most simple death shown on screen. Or at least the way I imagine it, it's pretty brutal.


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The one thing that bugs me... Michelle? Really? She's introduced into the game a whole lot later then everyone else - and has the least amount of character development then anyone else. The only thing special about her is the baby. She's pregnant. I thought it was great how Britt wanted to protect her. I just feel Michelle should be introduced a little earlier, so we get the feel for her a little more.


Originally, as I was writing it, I did have it to where Michelle was found when they lost Connor and ran into the room where Beatrice transforms, but I didn't like her showing up so early in the script, that I wanted to save her for later. And I like it better that she does show up later, and she becomes sort of mysterious and you want to know more about her (which is why I left the ending ambiguous because I sort of want to try and write a sequel to this, with her being the main character).


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Oh and a few quick words on the ending. I thought the way you did it was perfect (the ship crashing into the pier) and the whole worm crawling on the video camera was gross and awesome. It's just.. he would have dropped the camera. A lot earlier. Like, maybe, when his girlfriend was getting attacked? I don't know. If you changed it and made it shorter. I'd be fine with it. I'm fine with the way it is now, it's just - I really doubt he would have sat there and watched his girlfriend get attacked.


Yeah, the ending is another thing people keep pointing out, and how I should shorten it. So I think I am going to have the ship crash into the pier, everyone walks up to it, the very bottom door opens, and then an infected jumps out, and the video will cut to black, or something. I'll shorten it out, that's all that matters.


Again, thanks for reading, and once more, I appreciate that you really liked this. I'm glad it kept you entertained, and thanks for the comments and suggestions!

Sean


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