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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short  ›  Lost/Found Moderators: bert
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SimplyScripts
Posted: April 9th, 2010, 7:03pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Lost/Found by Jason Earle Helgerson (TattooGigolo) - Short, Drama - A little girl teaches a cranky old man how to deal with a past tragedy.  7 pages - pdf, format


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albinopenguin
Posted: April 9th, 2010, 8:37pm Report to Moderator
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hey Jason, for starters, this was pretty well written. some of the descriptions could have been shortened a bit, but overall this script was easy to follow and precise. i like your style of writing mostly because i can picture everything playing out in my head.

furthermore, many writers on SS (including myself) have a hard time writing children's dialogue. often it comes across as either too sophisticated or way too childish. but you found a happy medium in this script and Rachael's dialogue was very believable. so kudos on that.

SPOILERS

as for the story, i thought it was alright. even though i would categorize the ending as "cutesy" i still thought it was appropriate. for once, i enjoyed this happy ending.  and that doesnt happen very often.

however, this script isnt all that profound or memorable. we've all seen similar stories done countless times in other works of fiction, film, etc. my biggest problem with the script though was the flashbacks and the "dream sequence." flashbacks and dream sequences are already over done...and thats when they're considered seperately. but here we have a script that puts them both side by side- a flashback AND a dream sequence. the whole effect is a little too jolting for the reader. you're hurting the story which is taking place now by taking the focus off it (by doing flashbacks and dream sequences). if i were you, i'd ditch the dream sequence and come up with something a little more clever in it's place. but definitely keep with the happy ending or else you're going to p*ss a lot of people off haha

so overall, good piece and definitely worth the read. i just think you need to reconsider some structure issues. IMO you're better than dream sequences. you're too good of a writer to be using them.

ill be reading more of work though for sure


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TattooGigolo
Posted: April 9th, 2010, 9:16pm Report to Moderator
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@albinopenguin

  Thanks for the kind words. I can come up with some sinister endings, but I couldn't bring myself to even consider it with a child involved (I know you weren't suggesting it).

  As far as the Flashback/Dreams I needed a way to make the potential loss of the little girl a little more personal to him to justify his change (also to justify his unwillingness to allow a child into his life). I do see your point with going overboard though. I could cut it down to just the dream one. The other thing I toyed with was having the neighbors mention it in passing in dialog, but I felt that would come off as convenient.

  Most of what I am writing these days is either on assignment for school/workshop or my feature that is slow going. There are guidelines - 2 settings, no more than 5 speaking parts, less than 10 pages and the theme being: Redemption.

  I should have a few more shorts popping up on here soon. I look forward to your thoughts.


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jwent6688
Posted: April 9th, 2010, 11:51pm Report to Moderator
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DOUBLE SPACE YOUR FRIGGIN' SLUGS!!!

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I don't like the underlines in dialogue. rarely see them in produced scripts anymore. I think the actors would know what to accentuate as well as the reader.

Good work, touching story, nice writing. You've got a handle on the craft sir. I would agree with above that too many flashbacks/ dream sequences in a short would come off a little overwhelming in a short especially. On film that is.


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