Angel with a Broken Wing by Charles Wiedenmann (leedorian) - Thriller - Christian Blackmore and Jill Atkins are on a cross country road trip. They are being followed by a person who wants something from them and will stop at nothing to get it. Is it him, her, the quarter of a million dollars   in the trunk of the car...or something else? 121 pages - pdf, format

p1 and 2:  I'm greeted with a CAMERA angle, an uncapped "Mother" who has no first name and a lot of forced exposition. It's one thing if Christian's ex is causing him extra grief. It's another issue talking about a job he didn't like for ten years and then talking about his new job. When Mom says "what's new" the conversation should be about recent events. She could even ask how the new job is going. This is a mother and her adult son sharing a cab. They are close, not distant. You also "tell me" where they are headed."The wind is cold..." Have Mother shiver ans her son put on her coat or scarf. Cold wind is tough to see unless there is something visual to back it up.

p2 write out the word percent.

Not sure what the story about The Son Of Sam has to do with anything. Not sure why when Christian and Sheryl open the case the car outside happens to roll down the street, hit a tree and explode. The huge blocks of text aren't helping.

Just get right to it.
I don't care about the tea. I don't care about the Son Of Sam. Sheryl is not to my knowledge, romantic with Christian. So I don't get the "we" thing either (p15) she "cares" about him (16) and both care less about the freak thing with the pinto and more about the cash. While it's true they(?) could get a better car with some of the money it's the thought that counts. Note that on p17 Christian has Sheryl to swear she won't tell anyone about the money. But what about the Pinto? Witnesses, firemen, cops...? (you also don't need to give me an exact amount of what is picked up off the floor, BTW) Sheryl also contradicts herself on p 20-21.

Here's how this conversation starts. They talk about dating habits (which is uncalled for as both are painted rather sleazy...they must be joking, but I'm not so clear that they are. It isn't the best conversation to have with someone over dinner) and when Christian says "let's run away together" she says no. She then goes on about the money and the key.

Think about this setup here. They are, at this time, not a couple. She is NOT entitled to any of the money or what the key may unlock. She does not want to run away with him, thus "share" the money. She But she wants to find out what the key unlocks. Why?

The scene at the storage garage could be shorter, and since we find new wheels there, I wonder what the deal with the Pinto was to begin with? Since the Caddy starts right up, I mean.

Quoted Text The road splits up ahead and he must choose to continue on 295 or take 76 west to Philadelphia. He chooses 76 and brings the car up to 85 mph.

Try something like:

The road splits up ahead, he takes the 76 West exit.
Speeds up to 85.

The excitement is too much for Sheryl, so now Jill enters the picture. Big OTN conversations about her past love life and her most recent breakup. So what. This is how I'm intro'd to the character. I have no investment, I don't know who she is, and she's the second woman to ramble on about past exploits.  


The script needs a better pace. Imagine this: Christian and Mother go to the Will reading (note: dear Mom,gets zilch) and the *only* thing Christian gets is the case. He opens the case. Empty, or so it seems. Snoopy friend finds flase bottom. They find cash and the key. They are not romantic with each other but are good friends. The key is to a storage garage 88.
Some mystery man (or men) is after the money and/or what it all leads to. Jill gets involved, wants in. Or dump Sheryl and have Jill take her place from the start. (actually, I like the triangle possibility)

We only need 10 to 13 pages for that, not 34.
And then there's Jill and Christian on philosophy in the car. Speed of light (who cares?) inventing Rock and Roll (so what?) and a fella named Christian willing to change his name. (Seriously, if you "saved" Jesus from being crucified he would not be 'Jesus CHRIST' now would he?) But it's pointless conversation anyway. In any case, Christian is spouting off factoids out of character. Where did he work again? Hotel room. Hey, Kris Kristofferson ia a good actor, wonderful musician I agree. What's it got to do with anything?

The Man In Black on p43 asks about Christian being at the garage. This implies that he was not the one chasing after Christian and Sheryl earlier. By the way, give MIB a name other than MAN.


When you start forgetting your locations and where you are, (scenes go INT to EXT without headers) on 42 and 54-55, I'm more than tempted to stop reading. I'm surprised I made it this far. By 63, I'm done.

I don't want to be a negative guy, but this reads like a germ of an idea and you didn't know where to go with it. It reads really rough, and I really made an effort to get into it, but by halfway through, I didn't care anymore. There's nobody to care about. Motivation and momentum, whatever there was of it, is gone.

It then occurred to me that there is nothing "out there" on the trip. No more answers, no clues, they are...just...there. If I'm wrong, the motives are lost in inkblots.

I was starting to dig the dead insects, and I was still curious over a few minor details, but it wasn't enough to get me through.

-DJS

I've not opened the script yet, but this is one of those cases where I can tell what's in store just from the logline.  You need to spend more time learning about how to write a decent logline, then go back and work on learning more and more about screenwriting in general before rewriting the script.  You need to concentrate on every single word you write.  Break down some produced scripts and try to figure out why everything written was written.  Sometimes, the lines that seem random, have great meaning, and an important reason for being written.  

The logline itself, however, is just sloppy.  

First, you start off by mentioning character names, which you shouldn't do, unless it's a sequel for a movie everyone has seen or knows about, etc.  The character names don't matter because no one knows who they are.  Just say "A couple" or A man and woman" etc.

Second, maybe add something stating where they're going on the road trip, or why.  This isn't really important, but adds color.  Why are they going where? And --

Third, is the person following them a man or woman?  And what are they after?  How do the couple have what the person wants?  Make us care about this object and the person trying to get it.  Make us worry about the safety of the couple.  How dangerous is this person chasing them?  "They will stop at nothing to get it" sounds cheesy.  Cliche.  It's too easy.  It sounds like you were too lazy to delve more into the details, and will affect what people think of your script, before even opening it.  

Example:  A Massachusetts couple, driving to Vegas for their one-year anniversary, find themselves running from danger, when a fugitive fresh out of prison, learns they've found the five-hundred thousand bucks he robbed from a ruthless crimelord and desperately needs to pay off the man planning to smuggle him out of the country.


Breakdown --

We state where the couple begins their jouney -- Massachusetts, and their destination -- Vegas.  This tells us that they're on a long road trip, and adds color, whereas just saying "road trip" is bland.

We establish that they're a couple, and from their destination, we know they have money.  No one goes to Vegas without money.

We establish why they're going -- to celebrate their anniversary, and to spend the great deal of cash they've found.

We establish that they're in danger because of this find, by mentioning the fugitive who has just escaped from prison.  He's excited about getting his stash of cash, when -- SHIT!  It's gone.  And through some series of events, he's going to find out who's taken it.

We also learn where he got the money -- from the ruthless crimelord.  So, not only is the couple being chased, but the man chasing them is also being hunted by the crimelord AND the police.  This gives a few options for how the story plays out.  The couple can help the police OR crimelord get the man to save themselves, OR they can team up with the man chasing them to fight off the crimelord.  Maybe they have some drugs on them and don't want the cops getting involved, etc.  Maybe the woman is pregnant?  There are so many options.  The theme of greed stands out.  Maybe even the cops are trying to get the cash.  You don't even need that mystery item in the trunk.  The "something else" in your logline.  

AND, thinking about all of this, I don't know who makes a better protagonist... the couple, or the fugitive?  You could go either way.  Maybe it's the fugitive's story, about how he's escaped and trying to get this money and stay alive and out of jail.

I have opened the script and can say one thing I like...  I'm from Camden County too, so I can imagine the story setting easily.  My screenplay takes place in North Camden mostly.  

Some things about the opening:
The first thing you write mentions a CAMERA direction, which you should always try to avoid, when possible.  Just write the story in a way where you can imagine the angle.  Camera directions will mostly be ignored by anyone reading it.  Readers don't care about the angles, and directors will make the angle how they imagine it.

Describe a bit more of the world before delving into the conversation.  Sure, a lot of movies open with talking over a black screen, etc, but if you're going to open with a shot, give a little more visual before cutting to two people sitting still in a car, talking.  While the conversation can be interesting, it's rather boring to look at two heads talking, right off the bat.  Maybe describe the Woodbury traffic -- cars battling each other along Broad St, pulling out of the diner, an ambulance racing to the hospital, etc.
When you get to the conversation (and this is just an example, I don't know anything about the characters, etc), you need to learn not to write so much exposition dialogue.  You try to give away so much info in what people are saying.  Rather, try to show it another way, and make what people say more natural.  

For example:  The first line of dialogue -- "Mom, I'm sorry about Uncle Bill."  Maybe someone might say this, but to me, it just doesn't feel natural.  I wouldn't say "mom" before hand, and in real life, you wouldn't need to say "Uncle Bill" because the mother would know who you're talking about.  So, you need to write it in a way that people can figure out these things on their own, and have more natural conversation.  

I would write it something like this:

INT/EXT. TAXI - DAY

SUPER: "WOODBURY, NJ"

A BLUR of shapes and colors, wiped away as wiper blades clear
a miniature flood from the windshield.  The colors become a
SIGN -- "Rt. 45" and a barrage of break lights.

A SIREN grows louder as an ambulance races down the shoulder
and pulls into the hospital. Cars nose their way out of the diner
parking lot. KIDS in the car ahead, make faces. The CAB DRIVER
sticks his tongue out back at them.

Backseat is CHRISTIAN BLACKMORE (mid 30's) and his MOTHER,
dressed in black.

A tear falls, staining the card Mother is reading --

INSERT - CARD

which reads: "HOPE YOU'RE ALRIGHT. BILL WAS
A GREAT BROTHER AND FRIEND TO ALL OF US -
LOVE YOUR BIG SIS, JUDY".

BACK TO SCENE

Christian notices the tear stain on the card as it spreads,
smearing the pen ink.

CHRISTIAN:
I'm gonna guess the roof isn't leaking...
(beat)
You okay?

Mother nods. Closes the card and swallows the lump
in her throat.

MOTHER
He was so sick.  

CHRISTIAN
I know. At least it happened in his sleep. It
could'a been like dad.

MOTHER
(rolls her eyes)
Ugh, don't... I don't even wanna...

CHRISTIAN
Sorry.

MOTHER
No, I just... I can't relive that... How
'bout you? How's work?

CHRISTIAN
Uhh, well... If it was a human, we'd be planning
another funeral.

MOTHER
Christian!

CHRISTIAN
Sorry, sorry, poor taste... It's not good.  And
it's even worse, when you think about it,
that I gave ten years of my life to a fucking
bank. And the sad thing is, it took a divorce
to get me away from it... AND the house, AND
the car... But, thankfully, in the end, she left
me with the credit card debt. I mean, otherwise,
I'd have nothing.

MOTHER
Never liked that bitch. I don't know if I'm
thankful you two never had kids, or wishing
you did before she left.

CHRISTIAN
Yea, well... Susan couldn't have kids. We
never wanted to tell you in case it upset you,
but I guess it doesn't matter now.

MOTHER
Oh... well... maybe you'll meet someone
at your new job...

CHRISTIAN
Security Atlantic?

MOTHER
Why not? You like it there? You happy?

CHRISTIAN
Eh, yeah, but... the finance
business is a rat race. I gotta find
something better.  I just don't feel right
charging people twenty-eight percent
interest on a loan. They want me to
pack on the life, disability, and
unemployment insurance too.  It’s a
fuckin' crime.  I might as well be
working wit' the fuckin' loan sharks in
South Philly,  collecting that kinda
juice.

Xxoxia, you understand this script was posted 5 years ago, had 1 post, and the writer never once said a word, right?

You obviously can choose to read and provide feedback on any script, but your long, detailed post is falling od completely deaf ears.  Seems like a waste of time and effort.

Actually, I didn't realize that, no.  I was simply looking through the unproduced scripts and saw this one, and decided to comment on it.  I didn't even notice how long it'd been here.  Thanks for pointing that out, though.  I'll make sure to check next time.