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The Dad's Robin Hood by Javier Torregrosa (jayrex) - Short, Drama, Comedy - Tommy's told his dad is Santa Claus, his dad tells him he's Robin Hood, and Jimmy, Tommy's best friend, discovers who has ruin his Christmas. - pdf, format
Whatever. Don't do that (as I roll my eyes because it's superfluous anyway).
Santa's bringing me a X-Box, a football top, games, a watch, anddd sweets Typho.
It's the truth. He is your dad. ... and... Why did you not tell me? Both sound a little stiff. Might be a regional language thing, though. No big whup.
The BELL chimes signaling the end of lunch. INT. CAR - DAY - LATER Tommy jumps into the family car. Might need a judge's ruling on this one, but I don't think you need the LATER tacked on unless it's pretty common to end lunch and go get in your family car.
Pg2 TOMMY Yes I did. Dad. Should be a question mark after "Dad" rather than a period.
INT. HOUSE - EVENING - LATER Same as previously. If it's evening... then, of course it's...
INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY SUPER: CHRISTMAS EVE It's DAY. It's EVE. It's DAY. It's EVE. The world is full of stupid people. I dunno.
Pg 7 TOMMY And where does he live again? Pretty sure that's supposed to be Dad, EDDIE, asking where to steal the toys from.
Pg 8 BEDROOM - DAY Liz awakens from the screams of delight Tommy shrieks from downstairs. For continuity's sake, you should SUPER: Christmas Morning. Alternatively, delete the SUPER: Christmas Eve from earlier. Story kinda tells it anyway. Six of one...
...except with extra mud stains his shoes have made to the bed. Ed's quite the foul-up, eh?
JIMMY To Jimmy from mum and dad. OMG. Awfully precocious of Jim-bo, but... stuff happens.
TOMMY Yeah. You're dad's Santa Claus, and he gave you presents. My dad's Robin Hood and he took them from you. LOL!
Alright, that was cute, even if Ed's goin' to the big house. Dumb@ss. I kinda like that you didn't sell out and Americanize your work. Favourite and pyjamas are one thing. Conkers and mum are another. Cool.
Nice little story, I have no idea who the audience would be for this, maybe just something fun to do/shoot, easy enough.
Sorry, but I didn't like this at all, either. I did like the last line and how it tied in to the story, but IMO, it's about 7 pages too long.
Writing-wise, not good, sorry to say. Tons and tons of mistakes of every kind, on every page. Extremely awkward phrasing and passages, typos, misspellings, totally incorrect punctuation, missing punctuation, poor Slugs, incorrect Slugs, illogical behavior and action, and really poor, stilted dialogue.
The dialogue tops my list of issues. Just comes off as really stiff and unrealistic, especially for 7 year olds.
If this were cleaned up and cut down to no more than 4 pages, I think it would be cute, but in its present condition, it's a mess.
Sorry to be so negative. Take care.
To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
I like the premise here, but the execution is a bit strange.
Some questions I found myself asking:
Why would the dad track mud all over the house? No grown person would do this. Especially if they'd gotten muddy breaking into someone's house. At first I thought you were just covering your bases and letting the audience know that he was out stealing presents. But in the last line of dialogue you hit us over the head with it.
JIMMY I don't even like the SMELL. SMELLS horrible.
TOMMY Is that what that SMELL is? ^ Too many "smells" too close together. Reads weird.
The end. I really like the whole robin hood thing with the stealing of the presents. But at the end it's this weird situation where everyone in the room knows that he stole someone else's presents and gave them to his own kid, and everyone's okay with this somehow. It's such a strange message. Almost like the moral of the story is that it's okay to steal as long as you tell your kid you're robin hood. Also, that last line is really beating us over the head with the whole "My Dad's Robin Hood" bit. The audience will get it. I don't think you need this line.
Like I said, I dig the premise. But the execution was strange.