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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short  ›  The Dad's Robin Hood Moderators: bert
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SimplyScripts
Posted: January 8th, 2011, 5:58pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Dad's Robin Hood by Javier Torregrosa (jayrex) - Short, Drama, Comedy - Tommy's told his dad is Santa Claus, his dad tells him he's Robin Hood, and Jimmy, Tommy's best friend, discovers who has ruin his Christmas. - pdf, format


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grademan
Posted: January 10th, 2011, 10:46am Report to Moderator
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Jayrex,

I didn’t like it.

The title reads strangely. My Dad is Robin Hood would be clearer.

The narrative reads stiff and uses odd phrasing.

The character’s reactions are cut short. For example, people, esp. kids, seldom answer questions with a simple ‘No.’

Why would his dad tell him he is Robin Hood?

I did like the end - present opening scene and the last line of dialogue.

Did the wife know? What was her view?

Is this a sequel?



Gary


Major lead characters must show GRIT. No wimps! He must do something. He must have forward motion.

JAMES SCOTT BELL
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jayrex
Posted: January 18th, 2011, 1:21pm Report to Moderator
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I can't see the positives through the negativity

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Hey Gary,

Cheers for the review, much appreciated.

I prefer the title as it is.  It's like my previous Christmas script which was My Dad's Santa Claus.

I wanted this to be a quick read, and kids answers can be short from where I grew up.  And in this case it was.

Why would he?  Well, he's a thief.  He wouldn't admit he's Santa Claus, what father would?  But another fictional hero, why not?

I'm happy you liked the ending as I was hesitant with the ending and I usually suck at them.

Yes, the wife did know.

This kinda is a sequel I suppose.  I used the same character names as the previous script, one year on.

I actually wanted to write more on the Robin Hood theme but during Christmas time but found myself thinking of my script last year, and did pretty much the same with a twist.

Cheers for the read despite not liking it.

Javier


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RayW
Posted: January 18th, 2011, 4:23pm Report to Moderator
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Howdy Havi!

RIGHT JUSTIFIED FADE IN:?!
Off with his... !

Whatever.
Don't do that (as I roll my eyes because it's superfluous anyway).


Santa's bringing me a X-Box, a
football top, games, a watch, anddd
sweets

Typho.


It's the truth. He is your dad.
... and...
Why did you not tell me?
Both sound a little stiff. Might be a regional language thing, though. No big whup.


The BELL chimes signaling the end of lunch.
INT. CAR - DAY - LATER
Tommy jumps into the family car.

Might need a judge's ruling on this one, but I don't think you need the LATER tacked on unless it's pretty common to end lunch and go get in your family car.


Pg2
    TOMMY
Yes I did. Dad.

Should be a question mark after "Dad" rather than a period.


INT. HOUSE - EVENING - LATER
Same as previously.
If it's evening... then, of course it's...


INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
SUPER: CHRISTMAS EVE

It's DAY. It's EVE. It's DAY. It's EVE. The world is full of stupid people. I dunno.

pyjamas
??
Sp, maybe?


TEXT: Thank you Santa for my presents. Go easy on Rudolph,
he's my favourite.

1 - I think these are supposed to be INSERTs.
http://www.scribd.com/doc/12721428/Professional-Screenplay-Formatting-Guide Pg 28/56
2 - For a first grader Tommy writes pretty darn good.
3 - "favourite"? Limey.  


Pg 7
     TOMMY
And where does he live again?

Pretty sure that's supposed to be Dad, EDDIE, asking where to steal the toys from.


Pg 8
BEDROOM - DAY
Liz awakens from the screams of delight Tommy shrieks from
downstairs.

For continuity's sake, you should SUPER: Christmas Morning.
Alternatively, delete the SUPER: Christmas Eve from earlier.
Story kinda tells it anyway.
Six of one...


...except with extra mud stains his shoes have made
to the bed.

Ed's quite the foul-up, eh?


     JIMMY
To Jimmy from mum and dad.

OMG.
Awfully precocious of Jim-bo, but... stuff happens.


TOMMY
Yeah. You're dad's Santa Claus,
and he gave you presents. My dad's
Robin Hood and he took them from
you.

LOL!


Alright, that was cute, even if Ed's goin' to the big house. Dumb@ss.
I kinda like that you didn't sell out and Americanize your work.
Favourite and pyjamas are one thing.
Conkers and mum are another.
Cool.

Nice little story, I have no idea who the audience would be for this, maybe just something fun to do/shoot, easy enough.

My only real issue is I might have saved myself the energy and time reading all this.
Sometimes, just sometimes, what goes around doesn't always come around.  

Ray



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Dreamscale
Posted: January 19th, 2011, 5:50pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Javier, what's going on?

Sorry, but I didn't like this at all, either.  I did like the last line and how it tied in to the story, but IMO, it's about 7 pages too long.

Writing-wise, not good, sorry to say.  Tons and tons of mistakes of every kind, on every page.  Extremely awkward phrasing and passages, typos, misspellings, totally incorrect punctuation, missing punctuation, poor Slugs, incorrect Slugs, illogical behavior and action, and really poor, stilted dialogue.

The dialogue tops my list of issues.  Just comes off as really stiff and unrealistic, especially for 7 year olds.

If this were cleaned up and cut down to no more than 4 pages, I think it would be cute, but in its present condition, it's a mess.

Sorry to be so negative.  Take care.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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capel
Posted: July 18th, 2011, 5:39pm Report to Moderator
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I like the premise here, but the execution is a bit strange.

Some questions I found myself asking:

Why would the dad track mud all over the house?  No grown person would do this.  Especially if they'd gotten muddy breaking into someone's house.  At first I thought you were just covering your bases and letting the audience know that he was out stealing presents.  But in the last line of dialogue you hit us over the head with it.

JIMMY
I don't even like the SMELL.  SMELLS horrible.

TOMMY
Is that what that SMELL is?
^
Too many "smells" too close together.  Reads weird.

The end.  I really like the whole robin hood thing with the stealing of the presents.  But at the end it's this weird situation where everyone in the room knows that he stole someone else's presents and gave them to his own kid, and everyone's okay with this somehow.  It's such a strange message.  Almost like the moral of the story is that it's okay to steal as long as you tell your kid you're robin hood.  Also, that last line is really beating us over the head with the whole "My Dad's Robin Hood" bit.  The audience will get it. I don't think you need this line.

Like I said, I dig the premise.  But the execution was strange.
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