The Coffeeshop by Gavin - Short - You never know what a little courage can do for your love life. 3 pages - pdf, format

Gavin,

This is not a complete story. Just a scene out of a feature. Was really no time to get to know your characters. I feel like you have something good to build on here, But, it has a long way to go. You need a third act for this to be complete. What happens when they leave the coffee shop? Best of luck with it...

James

Hmm, that's it huh, Gavin? If I'd known it was this easy to post a 'Short' I could have churned out fifty of these.

To be fair, what you've written is not bad - when he gets his jacket caught in the door, chastises himself, goes back inside etc. you create a human character... but, as Jw said it reads as 'part of something bigger'.

You need to give us a bit more story. Do that, I'll give it another read.

This is not a story.

More like a twitter thought.

I would gulp at that price of a small drink.  5.95 is expensive in anyone's language.

Maybe this was an exercise of sorts.

Hey Gavin.

Just read this and really do have to agree with James et al.

Also, you need to attend to your formatting....no title page, no FADE IN. double hyphens in slugs, No FADE OUT etc.

Just keep reading and writing and you'll improve.

We're all on the same journey.

Best.

Martin.

Hi Gavin,

This is a well-written script. You've got a few moments of misdirection that are really quite solid.

My problem echoes the others -- it's too abrupt. I like an open ending as much as the next guy, but this one is just too open. It leaves a bitter taste in your mouth. Good thing the main story and characters are worth expanding on.

Keep writing.

Chris

Hey Gavin,

I'm going to have to agree with the others here that the story ends too abruptly.  I have no probelm with your premise (i.e. that sometimes you have to overcome your fear and take chances) as I think pretty much all of us have been through that kind of situation at some point in our lives.  That said, I think at the very least, you need to show a little more back and forth between Tom and Jessica.  Show us Tom still struggling to act cool for Jessica, but instead coming off like a dork and Jessica over looking it.  I dunno, but I think you need to show us more.

Anyway, best of luck.

Craig

Thanks for the feedback, guys.  I agree with all of you.  In fact, I probably shouldn't have submitted it, as it's more like a quick thought, than an actual story.  And it's my first script, so I guess I was a little anxious to submit something. But, since it's only 3 pages, I hope you didn't mind reading it.

Thanks again.