Hi Grant - this was okay, but there are some issues with it:
# She is stunning! Even in an almost colorless reflection of
- The sentence struture here is wrong - 'even' is a continuation of the previous sentence.
- The dialogue is too 'on the nose'; it needs to be a little bit more subtle:
When is your birthday?
My birthday is in September.
Shorten when you can. There are lots of examples of this, especially with Reuben's early dialogue.
- The order of descriptions needs correcting - when you begin the scene, you don't include any descriptions, but later say that the cafeteria is crowded; in order to set the scene, you need to put this information in sooner.
- Some of the writing is too much like prose: you are writing in the style that you would for a novel. Scripts need to be written in a concise 'manifestation orientated' manner. That means that you need to concentrate on visual and auditory functions - what you can see and hear, and deliver with brevity.
The story, I quite liked - I didn't read it all, but it seemed like quite a sweet tale, and it's worth pursuing, it's just that your writing style - for the sake of scripts - will need to be tightened up.
Remember to use 'mini-slugs', and try and fit narrative descriptions (action lines) to one 'beat' of the film (one scene) so that:
The DJ cuts in with a slow song. Alex takes Chastity's cup,
along with his own, and sets them down on a nearby table. He
then grasps her hand firmly and slowly leads her through the
crowd to the dance floor. They find a small open space
between several dancing couples and she quickly places her
arms around his neck; he follows by placing his hands on her
- should read something similar to:
cuts in with a slow song.
takes Chastity's cup, and with his own, sets them on a table; grasps her hand and
leads her to the
they find a small open space; she places her arms around his neck; he places
his hands on her waist.
The same effect is achieved, uses less words, and it acknowledges the scene changes.
Best of luck with it