Yes by Simon K. Parker - Short - With the Boss away his bodyguard has been put in charge of looking after his young and pretty girlfriend. 14 pages - pdf, format

Hey Simon,

Haven't seen you around.  I took a look over your script.  I think it's a first draft, because there's lots of spelling mistakes, skewed grammar, and missed punctuation.  Overall, I still liked the story.  If you show up on the boards I'll go in-depth with my thoughts.

Gage

Hey Simon,

I think you’re the author of the famous “Zombie Detective”? In any case, I’ve seen a few scripts posted by yourself now but you appear to be a no-show on the boards.

I’ll wait to see if you make an appearance before commenting here.

Good luck and keep writing.

Steve

Not sure what to think about this one.

A fourteen page pilot?
With no act breaks.

I haven't seen much British television, so maybe this is normal.

And yeah, like Bazinga said, whenever you show up, I'd be glad to give some feedback.

I'll give you some feedback right now...

Your logline is terribly written.  I already knnow exactly what the scrpit is going to look like and there's no reason for me to even open it pul sorry to say.

S,

So far so good.

You just need to correct these.

On page 2.  Jon drags the Pawn shop owner on the ground instead of floor.
Because we are in an ally.

On page 3. It should be Shane starts the car instead of Paul starts the car.

Darryl  

S,

On pages 10 and 11. When shawn speaks both times through the telephone, It should look like this instead of (O.S.)

                                                           SHANE
                                                      (V.O.)
                                                        Fifty-thousand.

dARRYL

S,

Mini on page 11. Since we are on a city street as the scene states.

It should be not bag on floor.  It should be ground or road since we are on a hard surface.

Since this is a television pilo,t I will give you my suggestions on a new title and my full comment about your story later.

But so far so good.

Darryl

Darryl, you're continually cracking me up, dude.

Why do you keep resurrecting old threads in which the writer never even once chimed in?

Why do you keep creating multiple posts instead of just putting your thoughts down in 1 thread?

Why do you keep quoting your own earlier threads when adding a new thought or 2?

It's great to see you reading scripts and [posting feedback, but you have to realize that 95% of your posts are falling on deaf ears.

You understand what I'm saying, bro?

Quoted from Dreamscale Darryl, you're continually cracking me up, dude. Why do you keep resurrecting old threads in which the writer never even once chimed in? Why do you keep creating multiple posts instead of just putting your thoughts down in 1 thread? Why do you keep quoting your own earlier threads when adding a new thought or 2? It's great to see you reading scripts and [posting feedback, but you have to realize that 95% of your posts are falling on deaf ears. You understand what I'm saying, bro?

I never looked at my comments with such deep interest as you are.

And I  fully understand. If you had interest in screenwriting you would be

more interested in writing or the story content rather than someone else comments on the stories. Like you saaid you may be standing on some strret corner using and smoking some type of drug that will make you respond to someone, comment on a story. If you are keep standing there being smart as keep on writing cell phone bro.

Darryl  

Quoted from Dreamscale Darryl, you're continually cracking me up, dude. Why do you keep resurrecting old threads in which the writer never even once chimed in? Why do you keep creating multiple posts instead of just putting your thoughts down in 1 thread? Why do you keep quoting your own earlier threads when adding a new thought or 2? It's great to see you reading scripts and [posting feedback, but you have to realize that 95% of your posts are falling on deaf ears. You understand what I'm saying, bro?

Yes I fully understand you. Cell phone bro. I'm glad you are commenting on my subjects. I like to read some of your screenplays. But not anyhing that has to do with million dollar talking green in the script.

Darryl, I have literally no idea what you're talking about in either of these 2 responses.