SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is May 26th, 2019, 5:17pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
The Writers' Tournament is back...


The Beginners Guide to the SimplyScripts Discussion Board (WIP)


Yes, I am running script reviews, again...

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2012 One Week Challenge  ›  The Final Trip - 10/12 OWC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    The Final Trip - 10/12 OWC  (currently 4064 views)
Don
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 1:38pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
12993
Posts Per Day
1.94
The Final Trip by Anonymous Edward - Short - A hurricane turns what could have been the ultimate road trip for two best friends into a real-life nightmare. The culprit? A cup of hot, steamy tea... - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
Dreamscale
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 3:26pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
10742
Posts Per Day
2.56
Oh boy...is this supposed to be a serious effort or a big old pisser?

If it's a serious effort, it ain't good, sorry to say.

If it's a pisser, it's not very funny, sorry to say.

It also doesn't even really attempt to meet the challenge requirements.

A waste for me.  Sorry.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 30
pale yellow
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 3:38pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Jacksonville FL
Posts
2079
Posts Per Day
0.76
If you are going to drop a ton of the f-bombs...you might not want to do it so frequently on the first page.

This was just ok for me. It just barely hit the parameters imo. I got turned off when I hit the two pages of dialogue to be honest.

Just wasn't for me.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 30
danbotha
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 3:57pm Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Invercargill, New Zealand
Posts
724
Posts Per Day
0.28
Yeah sorry, but this doesn't hit the challenge requirements.

On top of that it's lacking somewhat in what I would call a decent story.

The frequent use of the f-bomb is a turn-off for me as well. It seems like you've become reliant on it, as opposed to using it to express your characters.

I don't like any of your two characters. They're a bunch of idiots, IMO. Quite frankly, I don't care when they die. You want to play with knives, you deserve it...

What they were trying to achieve with the whole knife thing was never actually revealed. What's the point?

I thought that, given the story, the short is a little too long. I reckon you could easily bring this down to 7-8 pages.

The dialogue is inconsistent. You have these moments where your characters are swearing left right and center and then this...

"We must use what
resources we have available at our
disposal to do what we need to do."

One minute you have this swearing lunatic, the next you have this guy who talks like one of those politicians with carrots stuck up their ass. Keep it consistent.

Not for me, sorry.

Good job on getting the challenge completed, though, even if you didn't quite meet the requirements.

Dan


Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 30
greg
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 4:19pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Oh Hi

Location
San Diego, California
Posts
1870
Posts Per Day
0.36
I appreciate the different take on the challenge but this didn't have much juice to it.  Just barely touched the challenge requirements but I guess that's better than nothing.  For some reason Ace turned British halfway through.  Not sure what's going on there.

Pretty simplistic otherwise.  Not much else to say.

Greg


Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 4 - 30
irish eyes
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 6:02pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


There`s too much blood in my alcohol

Location
Upstate New York
Posts
1676
Posts Per Day
0.50
What a shitload of Fucking cusses and a story to match...

Sorry dude wasn't for me

Good job on entering

Mark


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 30
kingcooky555
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 6:23pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
New York
Posts
235
Posts Per Day
0.08
I didn't see the good versus evil thing. Also, there was no choice and no sense of trying to survive the night. The only thing the story sticks with is the supernatural part - barely.

There's a lot of unnecessary and uninteresting actions here. For example on page 8, the author uses "pause" 3 times. It's like using "beat" three times. I'm guilty myself of using "beat" but it's just not necessary here. Also, it should be used sparingly in a feature and even more so in a 10-12 minute short.

Congrats on completing the OWC but the story does not do much for me.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 6 - 30
Forgive
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 7:27pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Let The Sky Fall

Location
Various, exotic.
Posts
1434
Posts Per Day
0.43
Some harsh responses here. Given the parameters, I lowered my expectations somewhat. The writer knows his way around the language, so in that way, it was fairly easy on the eye.

I got confused about the 'Mum' bit too. Freudian?

Story elements were there, so structurally is wasn't too bad. As far as the characters go, this wasn't an exercise in intelligence, so were pretty right for what they were doing, but they could have done with being fleshed out some.

I've read that some of these scripts were punched out, like a day before deadline, so I wondered if this had been given a little bit more time?

Okay. 35 to go ...
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 30
Ryan1
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 7:46pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1113
Posts Per Day
0.34
This reads like an Aussie author giving it a go.  Pretty damn strange tale, but never generated any suspense or scares.

Your first page is actually numbered 2.  And on that first page "A door slams open."  That's a new one.

Did Ace and Ted really pay for a room with a bare mattress? lol that was funny.  But I had no idea what these two wastoids were doing at the motel.  Why were they drinking the tea?  Just to see the vision of the Mum?  Didn't get why Ted would want to kill himself after accidentally killing Ace.  "I'm coming buddy!"  Then I thought Ace's ghost was trying to save Ted, but then we get the sound of the body collapsing.  Ah, well.  Just didn't get it.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 30
Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 8:16pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Posts
344
Posts Per Day
0.14
Pg 2:  
Title page is not supposed to be page 1.
Not sure but Ace's description doesn't need to be in parenthesis, just the age.  Same with Ted.

Pg 3:
“We must use what resources we have available at our disposal to do what we need to do.”  I think this line can be redone.  Doesn't sound right.
Ace is now okay with the room?  After his opening dialogue when he first walked in, this didn't make sense.  I know, I'm too picky.  He is just easy going, right?

Pg 4:
No time indicators in your slugs.  Is it LATER, DAY, NIGHT, etc.?

Pg 5:
Ted, “That’s hot as.”  I assume you wanted an ellipsis here.
The trees bent in the car park earlier, now they continue to bend.  I know this is the OWC, but could have done something better here.
Again, no time indicators in your slugs.

Pg 11:
Not sure if I get the ending though.  I assume Ted is the one who hit the floor?

I guess I should first say good job completing a script for this challenge.  Not sure if they had to make a choice between good/evil, and not sure it fit the other elements.  I liked the Title, but the title page started with page 1, and normally it doesn't get assigned a page number.  That's not a big deal, but noticable.  The writing was okay.  The dialogue needs some work.  Overall, the story going from them trying to get high, to guardian angels, to killing each other (whether by accident or not) felt somewhat rushed.  I guess that is how it is in a OWC!  It was a pretty fast read.  Was the story my “cup of tea?”... not really.  Again, good effort completing this on time.


My Scripts:
SHORTS
Bed Bugs
I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
Five Days for Redemption

TELEVISION
Father, Forgive Me
Sheriff of Nowhere
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 30
Mr. Blonde
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 8:21pm Report to Moderator
Moderator


What good are choices if they're all bad?

Location
Nowhere special.
Posts
2434
Posts Per Day
0.67
Yeah, this one wasn't so good, overall. I kept thinking to myself, when they continued to swear every fourth word, "This reminds me of the script for 'Tales From the Hood'", where every other word was basically, "Fuck", "Shit" or everyone's favorite N-related racial slur.

Anyway, the guys in the story are kind of dumb and I'm being generous when I say there is a story. To be honest, there wasn't. This was just an all-around mess. Not a complete disaster, but it is in dire need of a real story.

D.



Revision History (1 edits)
Mr. Blonde  -  October 20th, 2012, 11:04pm
Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 30
crookedowl
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 11:00pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Yeah, I didn't care for this either. Cussing is fine, as long as you're using it well and aren't just using it to be "cool" or whatever.

The writing itself needs some work, IMO. Many awkward lines here and there.

I didn't like or care about the characters. It's not important that people like your characters-- they can be total jerks if you want-- but they have to be interesting, and we should be able to empathize with the characters. They shouldn't be annoying, either.

So, fix the dialogue, improve your characters and this'll be ten times better.

Good job completing the OWC.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 11 - 30
LC
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 4:54am Report to Moderator
Moderator


Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
3318
Posts Per Day
0.85
Some people actually do talk like this you know...

I don't know what the big fuss is over this one - in being really terrible, I mean. Have none of you seen Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure?

I didn't see any good v evil, but the supernatural element was there-- with a couple of stoner guys.

No, it's not genius on any level and it's not going to win any awards, but I don't find it offensive as per the critiques above. It is what it is. It definitely was an easy read, I just wasn't overly fond of the ending and thought a bit more creativity was in order there.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 30
Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 5:05am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


where's my simply scripts thong?

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2535
Posts Per Day
0.89
Ok, so you've had all the feedback above.

My suggestions;

Reveal the reason they are there more clearly and tie this into the story
Don't spend too much tie on the boiling up, it didn't seem to add much to the story
The core is about guardian angels, do they exist, what can they do etc this is where the action, dialogue needs to be more focused
Things like the ants in the tin don't seem to add, as far as I could see, so it is a distraction.

This OWC was a tough challenge so kudos for getting something in.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 30
marnieml
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 10:36am Report to Moderator
Regular


I wish my brain was half as wise as my ass.

Location
Asheville, NC
Posts
555
Posts Per Day
0.17
Who are these guys?  Why are they even together?  They seem like total opposites.  Ted says he has a beach house so he's obviously got money and Ace..just seems like an a-hole.  So what is their relationship?  

After 11 pages I should know who they are, shy they are there, what the plot and conflict was....and I didn't.  You have to remember that we're going into this blind.  we have no idea what's in your head.  You know who they are but we also have to know.

Just keep writing.  


  
“If someone is trying to bring you down, it just means you are above them."
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 14 - 30
 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    October 2012 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Thread Rating
There is currently no rating for this thread
 
Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006