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The Final Trip by Anonymous Edward - Short - A hurricane turns what could have been the ultimate road trip for two best friends into a real-life nightmare. The culprit? A cup of hot, steamy tea... - pdf, format
I appreciate the different take on the challenge but this didn't have much juice to it. Just barely touched the challenge requirements but I guess that's better than nothing. For some reason Ace turned British halfway through. Not sure what's going on there.
Pretty simplistic otherwise. Not much else to say.
I didn't see the good versus evil thing. Also, there was no choice and no sense of trying to survive the night. The only thing the story sticks with is the supernatural part - barely.
There's a lot of unnecessary and uninteresting actions here. For example on page 8, the author uses "pause" 3 times. It's like using "beat" three times. I'm guilty myself of using "beat" but it's just not necessary here. Also, it should be used sparingly in a feature and even more so in a 10-12 minute short.
Congrats on completing the OWC but the story does not do much for me.
Some harsh responses here. Given the parameters, I lowered my expectations somewhat. The writer knows his way around the language, so in that way, it was fairly easy on the eye.
I got confused about the 'Mum' bit too. Freudian?
Story elements were there, so structurally is wasn't too bad. As far as the characters go, this wasn't an exercise in intelligence, so were pretty right for what they were doing, but they could have done with being fleshed out some.
I've read that some of these scripts were punched out, like a day before deadline, so I wondered if this had been given a little bit more time?
This reads like an Aussie author giving it a go. Pretty damn strange tale, but never generated any suspense or scares.
Your first page is actually numbered 2. And on that first page "A door slams open." That's a new one.
Did Ace and Ted really pay for a room with a bare mattress? lol that was funny. But I had no idea what these two wastoids were doing at the motel. Why were they drinking the tea? Just to see the vision of the Mum? Didn't get why Ted would want to kill himself after accidentally killing Ace. "I'm coming buddy!" Then I thought Ace's ghost was trying to save Ted, but then we get the sound of the body collapsing. Ah, well. Just didn't get it.
Pg 2: Title page is not supposed to be page 1. Not sure but Ace's description doesn't need to be in parenthesis, just the age. Same with Ted.
Pg 3: “We must use what resources we have available at our disposal to do what we need to do.” I think this line can be redone. Doesn't sound right. Ace is now okay with the room? After his opening dialogue when he first walked in, this didn't make sense. I know, I'm too picky. He is just easy going, right?
Pg 4: No time indicators in your slugs. Is it LATER, DAY, NIGHT, etc.?
Pg 5: Ted, “That’s hot as.” I assume you wanted an ellipsis here. The trees bent in the car park earlier, now they continue to bend. I know this is the OWC, but could have done something better here. Again, no time indicators in your slugs.
Pg 11: Not sure if I get the ending though. I assume Ted is the one who hit the floor?
I guess I should first say good job completing a script for this challenge. Not sure if they had to make a choice between good/evil, and not sure it fit the other elements. I liked the Title, but the title page started with page 1, and normally it doesn't get assigned a page number. That's not a big deal, but noticable. The writing was okay. The dialogue needs some work. Overall, the story going from them trying to get high, to guardian angels, to killing each other (whether by accident or not) felt somewhat rushed. I guess that is how it is in a OWC! It was a pretty fast read. Was the story my “cup of tea?”... not really. Again, good effort completing this on time.
My Scripts: SHORTS Bed Bugs I Got The Shaft No Clowning Around Fool's Gold Five Days for Redemption
Yeah, this one wasn't so good, overall. I kept thinking to myself, when they continued to swear every fourth word, "This reminds me of the script for 'Tales From the Hood'", where every other word was basically, "Fuck", "Shit" or everyone's favorite N-related racial slur.
Anyway, the guys in the story are kind of dumb and I'm being generous when I say there is a story. To be honest, there wasn't. This was just an all-around mess. Not a complete disaster, but it is in dire need of a real story.
Yeah, I didn't care for this either. Cussing is fine, as long as you're using it well and aren't just using it to be "cool" or whatever.
The writing itself needs some work, IMO. Many awkward lines here and there.
I didn't like or care about the characters. It's not important that people like your characters-- they can be total jerks if you want-- but they have to be interesting, and we should be able to empathize with the characters. They shouldn't be annoying, either.
So, fix the dialogue, improve your characters and this'll be ten times better.
Some people actually do talk like this you know...
I don't know what the big fuss is over this one - in being really terrible, I mean. Have none of you seen Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure?
I didn't see any good v evil, but the supernatural element was there-- with a couple of stoner guys.
No, it's not genius on any level and it's not going to win any awards, but I don't find it offensive as per the critiques above. It is what it is. It definitely was an easy read, I just wasn't overly fond of the ending and thought a bit more creativity was in order there.
Reveal the reason they are there more clearly and tie this into the story Don't spend too much tie on the boiling up, it didn't seem to add much to the story The core is about guardian angels, do they exist, what can they do etc this is where the action, dialogue needs to be more focused Things like the ants in the tin don't seem to add, as far as I could see, so it is a distraction.
This OWC was a tough challenge so kudos for getting something in.
The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Who are these guys? Why are they even together? They seem like total opposites. Ted says he has a beach house so he's obviously got money and Ace..just seems like an a-hole. So what is their relationship?
After 11 pages I should know who they are, shy they are there, what the plot and conflict was....and I didn't. You have to remember that we're going into this blind. we have no idea what's in your head. You know who they are but we also have to know.