All That Could Have Been by Matthew Layden (theusualsuspects) - Short, Drama - Joel promises to build a tent in his backyard with his younger brother Michael, but the most popular girl in school asks him to the school dance. He chooses to go to the dance, which will have ramifications that haunt him for the rest of his life. - pdf, format

Hmm... I want to say that I think I get it. That is, I think I get what you are going for - the lesson and the moral. The idea that he didn't get what he wanted anyway, and lost everything he could have had. What would have happened if he had just seen through the shallow ruse of his peers and just stayed? A strong, important theme.

In its presentation of this, its straightforward and even somewhat blunt, but as the narrative goes, it pulls the punch a little in the end in my opinion. In most ways, I knew that something awful would happen to the little brother even from the log-line. I knew it, also, on the first page... and that's totally fine as a practice and effort to solidify narrative theory in a short. That's okay in the fundamental levels, sorta. The format's looking better than many's, though, and so I have just the barest suggestions along those lines. Yet, there is not so much to break it away from this blunt lesson, and push it towards something either special or very hard-hitting in impact.

It turns out, many in this community and at some higher-levels are really against the use of parantheticals unless absolutely necessary or relevant to the acting in that moment. The question is, "Does it become truly redundant, or is there a clear way to avoid it by some other method of writing?" If yes to either of those, it should probably go to keep things clean and concise. At the very least, there is a strong aversion for most against ever seeing one on the first page. I'm working on perfecting this technique, myself, so here's a suggestion on those first few pages:

The para, "(screaming)" on both pages one and two, could very easily be replaced by simple exclamation points, "!" to punctuate the dialogue, and doing so gets you two line spaces shortened from the whole script. The one in between those, by Joel, "(annoyed)," could then be turned into a small line about him rolling his eyes or shrugging, etc... something more specific and on screen that is just as effective. Because you have all ready taken away two spaces by turning the screaming paras into ! points, in dialogue, you've still taken a total of one line away from the whole. It can work like this all over, but really, your's is not so bad at this concept as the writing continues, at all.

Also, in typography terms, a word taking up a line all by itself at the end of a paragraph is considered an orphan, like the word "again," in your third action line, and the word "supervise" at the outset of page three. These are just frowned on for the sake of all the unused white-space they leave, and add an entire line to the total for a single word's use. The whole sentence can be re-examined to bring them back up a line, or that space can be filled with some more details about the scene. In dialogue, though, they can't always be helped, and saying the right thing comes first. Those are okay, for sure, but not so much in the action.

I only came across one thing that stood out as overtly unfilmable, and that's on page three with the teachers, "They make them break apart if too close." In some ways, this is a rule for the world of the story that you are setting, which seems more like it should belong in notes and outlines. This would be a lot stronger in that moment if there were an actual description of them finding and then moving a number of these kids apart when too close. Here's too kids getting too close, kinda losing themselves, and here's a gruff teacher promptly separating them. Unfilmables work in that way... while certain inner descriptions of a very special quality can be used rarely to enhance the action and composition of the on-screen moment, a rule set for the world, itself, does not ever really fall into that category. At least, I can't think of any example of it, or see how it would work within reason according to average format standards. Most of what you have is fine, then, in that sense.

That said, on the issue of the "LATER ON THAT NIGHT..." I have to disagree with that choice for two reasons: it causes you to leave the present action voice with the following line, "The music has changed to a slow dance," which by script standards is a bit of a no no. It could be/should be more like a "The music changes to a slow dance," or "The music is set to a slow dance." Something... present and in the now. I think this may have happened due to the later on that night transition. In practice, even though it is in the same setting, the camera will still cut and the scene beginning the dance will end. There will be some sort of cut which, along with the acting and the music, light, etc., will indicate the time change just fine. Therefor, a normal scene heading about the int. dance - night, would be fine, and then you would begin right into it as a fresh scene... which it essentially is, with its current description of the setting as it is right then.

Parting words: it's a good run. It's readable and makes sense. Think a little bit about how to move these characters and events away from their archetypes, some, perhaps with some even deeper reaching into real life experience, some quirks beyond the norm, and twists in the same vein, beyond the predictable norms. Add questions, tempt with them, build up, provide answers with more questions, maybe. That's very vague and general, I know, but it's the general sense I get. Lots of archetypes leading to a predictable and average arc, though with a deep and important message. These general ideas may help get that message across with even more impact.

Kudos on the hard work, though, of course!

Hey man,

Wow, I appreciate the long response.

This was an entry to the NYCMM short screenplay contest in which you have two days to write a 5 page script with a genre: Drama, Location: School Dance and Prop: Tent.

This was my entry.

I guess when I wrote the teachers break people apart bit, I was thinking I was writing it as action. I'll have to re-word that to make it more clear.

I appreciate the words on formatting the script, the dos and don'ts if you will and will try to incorporate them into my writing. I usually disregard rules (orphans) for sake of the story and getting the script finished. Then I go back and try to fix those issues, a lot of times I miss them, don't have time, etc. No excuse for a short, I know, but with the two day time limit, I wanted to get a story to tell first, worry about those later.

Thanks again.

Ahhh, a 48-hour challenge. I've done some 24's, myself, and have to say, that does change the gears when it comes to the goals of a thing. Now I think I really get it, and as an expression of full narrative in such a short time, with those restraints, it certainly looks like good practice. I hope anything can be helpful, because for me, even sharing, analyzing, and the back-and-forth exchange, helps me recenter my own perspective on these techniques. Learning by teaching, practice through critique... that sort of thing.

You're welcome, dood!
Really good, hard work!

Matthew,

Writings decent enough to move the story along -- short and to the point. A little tweaking on the slugs would help.

p.1 INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT -- could be, for sake of clarity INT. STINE HOUSE - BATHROOM - NIGHT

p.4 INT. HALLWAY -- could be mini-slugged as 'HALLWAY' as we’re already inside.

p.3 LATER ON THAT NIGHT... -- could be simply LATER.

I’d assume by not giving us DAY/NIGHT beyond the intro slug that the story takes place over the course of one night. I guess that’s a preference thing and it’s easy enough to assume.  Personally I’d keep DAY/NIGHT in the full slugs when moving to a new scene.

p.3 -- ‘Eric, 15 and Dan, 15, two best friends and school bullies.’

Seeing them together would be enough to assume their friends. As for the school bullies part I’d suggest leaving this out. It’s enough in the way they treat Joel for the reader to understand this. If anything it could be alluded to in the way they move/act, i.e.

‘Joel sits alone on the bleachers. He looks up, winces as he spots ERIC and DAN (both 15) swaggering towards him.’ -- Or something like this, but you get the point.

The problem here for me was the story -- it’s lacking. What happened to Michael? How did he end up in the hospital and is he alive or dead?

In order for this to work Michael’s misfortune has to be strongly linked to Joel’s decision to break his promise to spend time camping out with him and go to the dance.  By showing us nothing of Michael’s fate, the symbolism of father and son putting up the tent at the end simply falls flat. What’s the moral of the story you’re trying to tell?  

Hope this helps some. Best of luck with it.

Steve.

Hey Matt.

These are usually stories that I love and can get into, but this one just didn't get me there, and it's all because we don't know what happened to Mikey.

Yes, I know he died, (I'm assuming) but we really need that loose end explained for closure.  There's going to be a big difference in how the audience reacts and interprets your story if Mikey simply gets hit by a car crossing the street to his friend's house, or if Mikey kills himself because Joel cancelled plans.  (Sounds crazy for someone that young to think along those lines, but it's happening more and more now in these times.  Unfortunately, I'm dealing with it now with one of my ex's children.  The first thing they do when they don't get what they want is run and stick a knife to their stomach.  Now that the steak knives are locked away, she runs up to a second story window and opens it.  Sick.)

But anyway, answering that question in your story will change how your audience feels about the story.  If he accidently gets hit by a car, the audience'll probably say you're just trying to be depressing and putting Joel through constant heartache.  But if Mikey takes his own life, they'll probably say you're making a statement about modern times.

Either way, it'll be tragic and is depressing.  Not bad, just depressing.  That question definitely needs answered, though.

- Mark

Matthew, I have to agree with the others on pretty much everything.

Slugs are terrible.

Writing is very awkward.

Dialogue isn't remotely believable.

The story itself is both cliche and ambiguous at the same time, and if you want to pull on our heart strings, we have to understand  where the sorrow is coming from.

Bottom line is that I just don't buy into anything that's happening here or the way it's written, sorry to say.

Hey Matt,

I appreciate the stories you try to come up with. I usually like that sort of stuff, but as so many people have already said, this one needs a little more to it. I wouldn't go as far as saying it doesn't work, it just needs some tweaks here and there to make it easier to get.

Most things I would have said have already been covered. I don't like adding salt to the wound, but I pretty much agree with everyone else here. Take note of what Mark has to say as he is spot on, IMO.

I wouldn't go as far as saying the writing is awkward, but I do think you need more of an introduction. I prefer getting an idea of the setting before we get into the story. You kinda just jump right into it. Remember setting is quite an important aspect as well, so don't feel like you're wasting your time when you describe your surroundings. It's a great tool to show class, status or even occupation. Setting can tell so much. So, I suggest adding a few words here and there, describing where we are a little more.

As mentioned, the dialogue is awkward. My main problem comes with the two bullies. I'm sorry, but I don't think any 15 year-old talks like that. It's the sort of thing I'd imagine an eight year old to say.

I appreciate where you're trying to go and the message you're trying to convey, but there are various problems with the writing that let you down.

Cheers,

Dan

Hey Matthew,

Firstly, the slugs were weak throughout and really need addressing.

How long was it between when they're at the hospital to when they get home? I'm guessing it was all on the same night but I wasn't sure if it was the next morning or a couple of days later?

The dialogue also could do with some work - How about this line for instance:

"why don't you go to your friends house tonight? The one across the street"

Maybe this was hinting at what happens to Michael? Crossing the street? But it read so unnatural to me. Like Michael doesn't know his friend lives across the street.

The fact that we never know the fate of Michael (guessing he died?) does make the ending flat, nothing that some stronger hints or even dialogue couldn't accomplish, though.

I also think that maybe too much was happening overall - Brother turns down his younger brother to go on a date which for me could have had just a little more to it - show their close relationship or even how Joel has turned him down on many occasions -

It's a cliche line but something along the line of "There's always tomorrow" I'm sure you could come up with something a lot better than that and hopefully you get my point.

Then gets letdown by the said girl who was only using him - Kinda liked this element and it made his choice even more agonizing at the end.

Is then bullied by some kids over his attire and this maybe setting up that Joel is accustomed to being picked on - Didn't feel the need for this and think it could go.

Before the finale where his actions have resulted in the terrible accident or death of his brother which like I said before could be made more evident for a more effecting ending.

Just too much going on in 5 pages for me.

I would either cut some elements (the bullies) or expand this by a few extra pages giving the opening some more depth and the ending the resolution it deserves. Also give the writing a little polish, cut out some of the awkward lines and the slugs like I mentioned before.

I think this has potential to be a powerful little story so I wish you all the best with it.

Steve