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This is written with skill and has a confident pace to it. The Preacher and Ronald are perfectly despicable characters. Set up the stakes effectively, with the soul of a baby up for grabs. I think Carol's abilities as a witch could have been foreshadowed better, rather than just a line of dialogue. I don't know, maybe a brief glimpse of a charm she wears or something. Her elemental battle with Preacher and Ronald was entertaining, although I think Preacher deserved a more fitting demise. What I really liked is how it ended on a down note. Way down. No happy ending. Evil wins this one.
Curious as to whether the half full parking lot has meaning ? I would live to see the production issues with having a live baby in a bag - strong scene Getting a bit expositional during the middle Ooooh, you do have a way of being foul, licks his finger Wasn't sold on the carol over powering the two of them, not after the preachers powers
Ok, a proper horror script with dynamic tension.
Lean writing. A bit stop-start for some, but quite I like it.
I quite like the setting of the hospital but something didn't quite work for me that he is there so the preacher can steal a child. The need for youth is fine, just the set up with being a patient etc as also said, the powers they have makes her fight back a bit unlikely, IMO.
I appreciate we are a bit short on pages but we also light on her story and that is a core element by the end. Wouldn't have taken much to set her up with some desire, characteristics etc to conflict with the drama.
I find judging this type of script harder than most as it's not my thing, I also find these type of scripts lacking in depth, but I accept that's my issue.
The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
This is pretty good. Sticks to the theme well. A quick and fairly easy read.
I would say there's never a moment to say nice to meet you to the greaper. I did like that Ronald referred the reaper as preacher. I don't get how Carol knew all about Ronald's past, saying he's a killer. It's odd to know that yet still try to look after him in the beginning knowing this information.
I got the feeling Ronald went from old man to young to old to young. Seems a little conflict in his body motion to me. Even though he ends up young, it's his actions beforehand that don't really work for me.
Hmmm. I'm in two minds about this one. There's a lot to like here as it's quite well written, with only the odd typo. But, there's something missing that makes the end feel a bit unsatifying. Quite a few good lines, such as the 'steak' line.
After the first page, I already love the pacing. I can tell you are a skillful and practiced writer.
The writing is so crisp, and it reads very quickly. I am enjoying this a lot so far. No "oprhans" that I've noticed thus far (I just learned what those are myself) or mistakes. I thought the introduction of Preacher was effective. Badass.
RONALD Oh, that's Preacher, by the way. Preacher, Carol. Carol, Preacher. CAROL Nice to meet you.
I thought this was a bit cheesy to be honest.
But the rest of the dialogue seems pretty smooth to me.
Uh oh, noticed ONE mistake so far: Carol's slumps over on page 8.
I thought this was definitely going to be along the lines of The Skeleton Key, but it's a bit different.
I thought this was really good, but I feel as if it started to dwindle out after the first few pages.
A bad writer, trying to become decent...
Thank you for all who put up with my work and try and help me improve.
Ronald’s turn from regular patient to warlock would’ve been more impactful if we got a better feel for him in the beginning. He and Carol talk, but I didn’t really get much in the way of character from it.
Pg. 4 “you’re the Reaper” That’s a really good guess. I have no idea how she came up with it.
Pg. 6 “I’m a virgin!” How does she even know that’s important?
Pg. 7 It took me going back over it to realize that Carol has powers too. You might want to make that clearer.
The Preacher’s death played too comically for me. He basically just runs through a window. The image at the end was creepy, but I was still a little confused as to what exactly happened to her. It seemed as though there was a scene missing in the beginning that might’ve explained a lot of my above complaints. If such a scene were written in, this would be a really strong piece.
It’s fairly strong as it is actually. The writing was clear, for the most part. The situation Carol finds herself in is pretty harrowing and I thought the tone was consistent through-out. This is one of the better entries I’ve read so far, I just think the main action could’ve had a better set-up.
“Ronald casually opens a suitcase.” What suitcase?
Writing was a little jumpy at a few spots but besides that, it was mostly fine. This was a sound entry but I’m not sure I like the ending, the reader really isn’t left with any kind of fulfilment when the bad guy does indeed win and it was fairly predictable that when she was nursing the baby, Ronald or Preacher would wake once more. I’m not sure if you could’ve gone another route but anything would have been preferable here, this is very dark and a small glimmer of hope might have been nice. Has potential.
For the most part, this is well written and that in itself is a welcome relief.
Since I only have a few more to go, I'll spend some time on this one, as I do think it deserves it.
Writing - Pretty good - compared to the rest of the OWC entries, easily in the top 10% or so. You should look into using apostraphes, as there are numerous mistakes here. Another issue I had, was the way you write in fragments in your descriptions. Actually, many of these fragments are followed by another fragment, and the 2 could/should be joined by a comma. But, bottom line, for me at least, is to use a verb in your lines, otherwise it reads as if it's a static shot. You also often omit your subject in your lines, and again, for me at least, that doesn't look good or read well. More mistakes, the further in I went, but you may have been pressed for time.
Story - Pretty good. Again, easily one of the better entries here. I like how you weren't afraid to go dark. That always makes for a better and more real read. I understand this is a short and you only had 1 week, but the story logic probably needs a little something. You had an extra page to work with and I think it really would have helped early on. I agree that having Carol victorious, early on is a little hard to beleive, but I loved how you ended jet black and evil.
Action - Pretty good, but IMO, a little over the top when you probably didn't need to go that route. Battles of this kind have a hokey look to them when filmed and my advice would be to try and stay clear of that, if possible.
Characters - Prety good. Preacher was the highlight, but saying he's the Reaper was a little weak, IMO. He doesn't need to be anymore than what he is - a fucking evil killer warlock. Carol is a bit cliche in her good witch role, but she works and the lasting image of her and the baby is excellent.
Overall - Guess what? Pretty good! Ha...I said that a bunch of times, but it's true. This is a great effort and easily a top 5 or so contender. Your wiritng, as I said, turns me off a bit, because it's so simple to combine your fragments and create actual sentences. Remember, using commas is not a bad thing and actually creates a faster read, because the mind will literally pause on a period, but continue forward on a comma. But overall, your writing is fine and compared to the rest of the entries, it's top 10% or so.
Great work here. Ballsy effort. Nice job!
To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
This is close to being great. Some strong writing with great visuals, a consistently dark tone, and good pacing. The dialogue needs work, especially once the three characters are together.
Preacher puts the guard to sleep but he totally shredded that nurse. It struck me as odd, like it should be a character trait but we don't see it again and it isn't required for the story, so that first death just seems gratuitous.
Baby in a bag is good but to be honest I was expecting/hoping to see a bag full of babies. That would have been awesome. Still, you put a baby in a bag, you sick mother-- good for you.
Nice squirm factor with the virginity test. I'm fine with the sickest, vilest, most twisted violence but that made me uncomfortable, which was the point. Good job.
Carol needs more development, not just to make her powers believable but to make her a bit more interesting and sympathetic so her tragic end affects us more.
The O.S. stuff bugs me, I didn't see a point to any of it. Just show us.
All in all one of the better entries. With some touching up and some length to avoid the middle exposition, this could be a great piece. Great job for a week!
No comments read before. Non-native speaker – take it or leave it.
One evil man
I have to apology. I read through, but I could not follow your screenplay. I read some parts 3 times or more, especially the action, but didn't understand what's happening. Sometimes I felt like they're running in circles, when the characters leave a room and suddenly are back at that place.
The most problems I got in the long action scene. I had the impression Ronald was an inpatient. Like I understood he turns out to be something like the master of Preacher, who seemed to me a warlock in Terminator style, what I liked.
If I still get it right at this point, Carol, Ronald, Preacher, have all got witchcrafts. If I still might get it right: Carol has to fight against both. I couldn't recognize who does what to whom. Then they all run in circles, maybe Ronald beamed himself or something. Crazy stuff.
At least Ronald is young and healthy. He manipulated Carol to be the mother of a devilish child???
I like that you got a lot of fantasy. I will read the comments above mine. If there are people not as confused as me maybe it was a result of my less language experience. Then I try to print your play out and review it concrete again. Once again, lot of fantasy inside here, I honored, and you really tried to be creative and witty.
But I cannot follow. That's naturally a catastrophic in film, honestly said.
Pretty solid effort here. It moved at a quick pace, was well written and kept me turning the pages. Carol and Ronald could have been fleshed out some, but Preacher was a bona fide bad ass! Baby in a bag and the virginity test were highlights for me. Sick stuff. As well as the ending image of an evil Carol holding the baby. The story could use some tweaking, but not much.
Def one of the better reads so far. Congrats on getting this done!