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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Take Me With You Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: February 9th, 2014, 5:37pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Take Me With You by Chris Joslin - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - A New York City DJ struggles with intimacy, death, and depression in the weeks leading up a world changing event. 29 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Nomad
Posted: February 12th, 2014, 10:57am Report to Moderator
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Chris,

A few notes as I go:


  • Keep your title font at 12 pt.
  • FADE IN: should be left justified at the beginning.
  • There's no need to tell us useless information in your first slugline (BURROUGH UNSPECIFIED) Just tell us where we are.  Don't tell us where we're not.
  • Try to avoid using the present progressive tense (<---Thanks Phil)
  • The back and forth banter between the DJs almost works for me, but it's a little too cheesy.
  • Unless you're directing this, leave the camera directions out.  Just tell the story and let the reader imagine where the camera is.
  • There's no need to tell me where the title fades in and out.  Let the director figure out where he wants to put the title.
  • Use "SUPERIMPOSE:" or "SUPER:" When displaying text on screen.
  • Don't use "we see" or "we hear" unless it's absolutely necessary, which is rare.
  • Your action lines are overwritten and fragmented.  You can combine the first paragraph in Jake's apartment to something like this:
    "Lucas, 28, sits on a dirty couch playing video games with a cigarette dangling from his mouth.  The light from the TV pushes through the dark, smokey room, illuminating a look of aggravation on his face."
  • Only capitalize the entire name of a character when they're first introduced.
  • What does "DJ gear" look like?  Modern DJ gear, otherwise known as a laptop, looks like any other laptop.  Even the appearance of headphones doesn't indicate a DJ anymore.  I'd put a sticker on a worn laptop that says, "God is a DJ" or "My cat wants to be a DJ".


That's all for now.  

If you're active on the boards I'll continue.

Jordan


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
THE BRIDGE 8pg-Horror
SCHEISSE 6pg-Horror/Comedy
MADE FOR EACH OTHER-FILMED
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ChrisJoslin
Posted: February 25th, 2014, 12:20pm Report to Moderator
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Nomad,

Thanks so much for the feedback. Sorry it's taken so long to respond. I am directing this. I start production this summer. Put it up on here to get other people's input regarding dialogue and characters.

Thanks again,
C
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