SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is April 24th, 2017, 12:31am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship
The Scripts of the April '17 OWC are live!


Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Two Suns Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 5 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Two Suns  (currently 2071 views)
SimplyScripts
Posted: February 16th, 2014, 3:22pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
11085
Posts Per Day
1.87
Two Suns by Steven Clark - Short, Drama - An old man talks about the past, a life cut short, and what might have been different if he'd chosen the right path. 8 pages - pdf, format


Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
NickSedario
Posted: February 16th, 2014, 3:53pm Report to Moderator
Guest User






Gotta say this one left me a bit bewildered.  One of those scripts I'll have to reread.

"Maybe it was sun dogs."

???
Logged
e-mail Reply: 1 - 29
StevenClark
Posted: February 16th, 2014, 10:44pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Upstate NY
Posts
1230
Posts Per Day
0.80
Hey Nick,

Thanks for reading. Sun dogs, as I understand it, is when, due to the amount of moisture in the air, an illusion occurs making the sun appear as three suns in the sky. I took liberties with the numbers.

Anyway, this short was something I wrote while rewriting a feature. We've gotten a lot of snow here in NY, I was feeling disjointed, and this short came about. Originally part 3 of a trilogy, I scrapped the idea as I felt this one could stand alone. It's certainly not my best, but I wanted to try more of a dialogue driven piece. I don't think it works really, and there are a few changes I probably could have made, but this is it.

Steve


Fair's Fare
An unsavory mechanic takes a shortcut that may not cost him his life but, by golly, he just might wish it had.
http://www.dropbox.com/s/3o0108q746tld5q/FAIRSFARE.pdf?dl=0
Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 29
DV44
Posted: February 16th, 2014, 10:49pm Report to Moderator
Green



Location
California
Posts
551
Posts Per Day
0.31

Quoted from NickSedario



Gotta say this one left me a bit bewildered.  One of those scripts I'll have to reread.

"Maybe it was sun dogs."

???


A sun dog is an atmospheric phenomenon that creates bright spots of light in the sky on a luminous ring or halo on either side of the sun.

Hey Steven,

I really liked this. A sad story of what if. I can't leave you any notes since it's difficult writing on my phone but I'll get back to you tomorrow when I'm in front of my computer.

Take care,

Dirk
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 29
NickSedario
Posted: February 16th, 2014, 11:59pm Report to Moderator
Guest User




Quoted from StevenClark
Hey Nick,

Thanks for reading. Sun dogs, as I understand it, is when, due to the amount of moisture in the air, an illusion occurs making the sun appear as three suns in the sky. I took liberties with the numbers.

Anyway, this short was something I wrote while rewriting a feature. We've gotten a lot of snow here in NY, I was feeling disjointed, and this short came about. Originally part 3 of a trilogy, I scrapped the idea as I felt this one could stand alone. It's certainly not my best, but I wanted to try more of a dialogue driven piece. I don't think it works really, and there are a few changes I probably could have made, but this is it.
Steve


Ha.  Yeah I know a little something about feeling disjointed.  I.E. My Somalia micro-short series.  

Two Suns was an interesting read nonetheless.

Logged
e-mail Reply: 4 - 29
StevenClark
Posted: February 17th, 2014, 6:25am Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Upstate NY
Posts
1230
Posts Per Day
0.80
Thanks, Dirk. Look forward to your comments.

Nick, I guess the rule of thumb here might be -- as writer's we always NEED to write...just not post. Not everyone will get whats in your heart.

Steve


Fair's Fare
An unsavory mechanic takes a shortcut that may not cost him his life but, by golly, he just might wish it had.
http://www.dropbox.com/s/3o0108q746tld5q/FAIRSFARE.pdf?dl=0
Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 29
DV44
Posted: February 17th, 2014, 2:02pm Report to Moderator
Green



Location
California
Posts
551
Posts Per Day
0.31
Hey Steven,

Like I said earlier, I really enjoyed this. Just a bit confused on a couple things(maybe it's the blonde hair) but when Lloyd had the dream of the angel and the man in black, was he in a point in his life where he had just met Janice? Or going to meet her? I say that asking if maybe the angel in some way was Janice helping him towards a life with her and steering him away of bad decisions following the man in black. (Certain death). Also, nothing was mentioned of Kim after the accident, I'm assuming she was okay?

For a dialogue driven story it was good but I have to say Darnell saying the word "then" was starting to bug me a little. I'm curious to know why Lloyd would come right out and and tell Darnell about his dream. It felt a bit off to me. I understand they're just sitting there feeding pigeons when Lloyd begins his conversation but I think something would have prompted him to start telling Darnell out of nowhere about his dream he had. Maybe show the image of two suns at the start and Darnell is amazed by it. Or maybe have one pigeon black and another white to help remember his dream about the angel and man in black, thus starting the conversation with Darnell. Hope that makes sense to you.

It was heart warming and sad at the same time but you did a nice job with the execution of it. Nicely done! You mention above this was part of a trilogy. I would love to read the two other parts and see how this fits in with them.

- Dirk
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 29
Mattlj25
Posted: February 17th, 2014, 2:26pm Report to Moderator
Red


Picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.

Location
The writhing south.
Posts
18
Posts Per Day
0.02
I was partly confused as well. Did Kim also die? (Hence, the two pathways?)

I had it in my head that the wreck injured both Kim and his wife, and he (for whatever reason) could only save one of them. Car fire perhaps. And in the dream the angel is forcing him to choose again. But that's a whole other story now.   

Anyway, I liked it. Felt the dialogue spot on for the most part.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 7 - 29
Guest
Posted: February 17th, 2014, 6:58pm Report to Moderator
Green


Posts
838
Posts Per Day
0.34
I liked this.  Not much else to say.  Good job!


--Steve
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 29
irish eyes
Posted: February 17th, 2014, 9:22pm Report to Moderator
Yellow


There`s too much blood in my alcohol

Location
Upstate New York
Posts
1486
Posts Per Day
0.58
Hey Steve

Owe you a read...

I gotta say I enjoyed this one, the dialogue flowed very well, didn't sound static at all.

I was slightly confused as to why he had to choose a path, was the path's indicating the option of taking his wife off life support? If he could do it all again.

Overall, the story had a nice sentiment to it and pretty low budget as far as filming goes.

Good job

Mark




Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 29
StevenClark
Posted: February 17th, 2014, 10:44pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Upstate NY
Posts
1230
Posts Per Day
0.80
Dirk,

No, Lloyd had not met Janice at that point.  It's not made clear because I didn't really think it mattered much.  Yes, Kim is okay.  Again, I didn't think it mattered much at that point.  The two path represent the safer choices in life.  Lloyd took neither, he went out on his own and had to deal with the results, which were less than good.

I understand the dream comes out of the blue.  I was following the old rule of thumb "get in late, get out early."  There actually was a build up of dialogue that led to the dream, but I scrapped it.

Yes, there is a part 2 already in the can but I thought twice about posting it as I didn't want to flood the boards, and I wasn't sure if it was necessary.  So far this has gotten decent feedback, so I might post the other one at some point, in which the dream is explored more in detail.  If you want I can e-mail it to you.  Let me know.

Matt,

Thanks for the read.  The wreck, I'm sure, injured everyone, but only Janice didn't make it.  Like I said, it wasn't essential to the story to go into detail about Kim, so I left it out, as Janice and Lloyd's decision are the focal point here.

Steve,

Thanks.  Glad you liked it.

Mark,

Well, the paths were the safe bet.  Perhaps Janice might have lived had he chosen one of the two paths, but he didn't.  That was really the point here.  I'm glad that you enjoyed it, bro.

Two suns, two paths, two old men talking...all deliberate.

Don't know if anyone caught the Pink Floyd reference here.  It's pretty obvious if you're familiar with The Final Cut and the song Two Suns In The Sunset.  During the crash, the brakes locked, they slid towards a truck, Kim screamed -- all taken from that song's lyrics.  However, the subject matter of this short bears no resemblance to that of the song.

Anyway, thanks for reading.  If I can return any reads for anyone, please feel free to PM me.

Steve


Fair's Fare
An unsavory mechanic takes a shortcut that may not cost him his life but, by golly, he just might wish it had.
http://www.dropbox.com/s/3o0108q746tld5q/FAIRSFARE.pdf?dl=0
Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 29
James McClung
Posted: February 17th, 2014, 11:39pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Washington, DC
Posts
3358
Posts Per Day
0.79
Solid for what it is. Can't really say much that doesn't come directly from personal taste.

That said, I think it makes sense that someone would wonder whether or not Kim made it out okay. It's not clear and it IS important. If you think it's necessary to include Lloyd's daughter in  a violent car crash, I'd say it's necessary to point out that she survived. Otherwise, I'd remove her character entirely.

Other than that, not bad.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 29
DustinBowcot
Posted: February 18th, 2014, 2:35am Report to Moderator
Guest User



I'm finding it hard to figure this one out. What is the significance of having a dream at 17 or 18, and making a choice (or not) that impacts something in his 50's? Not sure of the relationship there. Shouldn't the dream happen during the accident for this to make sense?
Logged
e-mail Reply: 12 - 29
MarkRenshaw
Posted: February 18th, 2014, 5:15am Report to Moderator
Green



Location
UK
Posts
970
Posts Per Day
0.67
Hi Steve,

That was a sad tale, it made me emotional. I liked the dialogue for the most part although there were parts were it was on the nose. The imagery came across really well with your descriptions. The horn honking that is not a car horn, I like the way you wrote that, it let me know what was going on but not in a normal standard way. Your script is littered with little touches like this which make it stand out.

I just donít get the end or the parallel you try to get across with the Angel and the two paths. It seems to me Lloyd didnít have any such symbolic crossroads in his life. The car journey and the accident was just that; an accident. It seems to me he couldnít have done anything different.

Iíve no idea what sun dogs are though.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 13 - 29
StevenClark
Posted: February 18th, 2014, 5:48am Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Upstate NY
Posts
1230
Posts Per Day
0.80
James,

Okay, I'll buy that it may be important.  Another instance where I stared at this (but not too long) wondering whether I should include that.  My choice came from the fact that Kim was thrown in the back seat at the last minute cuz it just fit in well with where I was going with this, and it makes the crash look a little more significant if there's more at stake here.  But I can see why one would wonder about her.  Seeing as Lloyd only spoke about Janice with Darnell, I guess I was just letting the reader assume she was okay.  If she wasn't I think Darnell or Lloyd might have mentioned her, and then the script become 9 or 10 pages.

Dustin,

Hey, man.  No significance really, but it seemed like a good starting off point --17 or 18.  Just starting his lifes journey, so to speak.  You might call it cautionary, the dream.  Him not choosing a path comes back to bite him.  And the dream has no direct link to the crash or Lloyd's decision.  It's basically a warning.  

Mark,

You're right.  The car journey was an accident.  However, a lot of us will relate particular
events directly to something like a dream or a gut feeling and try to find some sort of parallel relationship to it.  In Lloyd's case he spoke of having "no regrets," so apparently he was comfortable with his decision not to choose one of the two paths, but rather take an alternate route.

Thanks for reading, guys!

Steve


Fair's Fare
An unsavory mechanic takes a shortcut that may not cost him his life but, by golly, he just might wish it had.
http://www.dropbox.com/s/3o0108q746tld5q/FAIRSFARE.pdf?dl=0
Logged
Private Message Reply: 14 - 29
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006