SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 19th, 2024, 6:28am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Stitched Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 7 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Stitched  (currently 1002 views)
Don
Posted: August 3rd, 2014, 6:46am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16369
Posts Per Day
1.94
Stitched by Luke Prince - Short, Drama - A school bully takes another pupil to the site of a terrifying urban legend and the alleged location of several disappearances.  9 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Athenian
Posted: August 4th, 2014, 5:24am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
203
Posts Per Day
0.06
Hi Luke,

This is a very standard -so rather predictable- horror story, but you did it well. Good writing. And I liked how Kyle showed some guts at the end.

Manolis
Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 3
MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 4th, 2014, 6:09am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
2335
Posts Per Day
0.59
Hi Luke,

Writing notes as I read, there will probably be spoilers.

It's a quiet street, quiet bus stop and the teenagers are chatting inaudibly. Are we in a silent movie?

Cameron laughs to himself, you can get put away for stuff like that!

Although you can probably detect my subtle hint of sarcasm - I hope you get the points. They way you describe action could be clearer, tighter.  Another example is Kyle's description shows he has a lack of confidence, you don't need to then state that fact again.

Avoid 'begins' at all costs. Begins to walk, begins to talk. No-one begins to walk, or ends their walk, they walk to and from a location.

Here's another ' DANIELA turns to go the other way'. First of all you don't need to CAP her name, she's already been introduced and using the description 'turns to go the other way' makes them sound like robots.

Write what the audience can see, not what the character is thinking or imagining. For Example:

The abruptness of KYLE’s reply exposes the lie, he pauses,
looking around, imagining evil lurking behind every tree
trunk.

Such a description is fine in a book but in a script you need to be leaner. You can deal with Kyle's demeanor in a parenthetical (lying nervously) above the 'No!' dialogue for example or with one line of action below.

The rest of the script contains similar issues so I'll skip onto the story. It seem like an urban legend prank that turns out to be true, quite predictable but fits all the criteria for a 'Tales from the Crypt' type short horror. It has elements borrowed from Blair Witch Project but I do like the idea of a creature that stiches people's mouths up - nice and gruesome!

I hope my notes help you improve, the important thing is to keep on writing.

Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 2 - 3
LukePrince
Posted: August 11th, 2014, 8:27am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
7
Posts Per Day
0.00
Many thanks for feedback on this. It was very much meant to be a run of the mill tales-from-the-crypt style story, but with my own variation to it. All comments taken on board for future writing.

Ta


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 3
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006