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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Seven-Fourteen Moderators: bert
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  Author    Seven-Fourteen  (currently 2486 views)
Don
Posted: September 7th, 2014, 5:42pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Seven-Fourteen by Emanuel Farhi - Thriller - A psychiatrist during the 1970s finds himself selling prescriptions to a vicious mob boss while being hunted down by an FBI agent. 103 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Emanuel
Posted: September 7th, 2014, 6:04pm Report to Moderator
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Hey guys, I hope this gets some reads and views. It's a second draft of something from a while back.

Rendevous, I remember you as my main editor so it'd be great if you'd take a peak since I took a ton of your comments into consideration.

Also, Ugo, I remember you reading this, too so if you'd like, flip through.

-Emanuel


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Emanuel
Posted: September 7th, 2014, 8:30pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, I sent Don a quick message. Hope it'll get fixed soon.


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Emanuel
Posted: September 7th, 2014, 8:32pm Report to Moderator
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https://www.dropbox.com/s/iqpzj75iqs73dzr/714SD.pdf?dl=0

I think that should work for now, though


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rendevous
Posted: September 7th, 2014, 9:13pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Emanuel
Rendevous, I remember you as my main editor so it'd be great if you'd take a peak since I took a ton of your comments into consideration.


Kinda nice to be remembered that way. This bloke down the road is still upset as all he can remember me for is that time I borrowed his car. It wan't my fault it ended up in the river. That was definitely Sheila's fault. No matter what the judge said.

Anyways, as your main editor, I will take a peek later. Many have said I peaked earlier, many years ago. I think they're being generous.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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Don
Posted: September 7th, 2014, 9:21pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Link fixed.  Apologies.

- Don


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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DS
Posted: September 8th, 2014, 8:56am Report to Moderator
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A read as promised.


Quoted Text
Logline: A psychiatrist during the 1970s finds himself selling prescriptions to a vicious mob boss while being hunted down by an FBI agent.


I think you could word this better. During the 1970s a psychiatrist....

First thing that stood out were the capitalised character names. Not going to shout about that, it looks pretty good to me. Might be off-putting to some though. Interesting style.



Quoted Text
P1: "CLOSE ON a poster hanging in the corner. It is an
advertisement for the antipsychotic Thorazine that says �When
the patient lashes out at �them� - THORAZINE� quickly puts
and end to his violent outburst.�


I don't think you necessarily need the close on. It seems pretty obvious that it needs attention from the camera. You could also make this paragraph a lot more concise and save two lines.

An advertisement with the text "When the patient lashes out at "them" - THORAZINE quickly puts an end to his violent outburst." hangs in the corner.

Typo too. And instead of An.


Quoted Text
DAVID
I uh, sent my degree into fix the
frame and I tripped when I was
going to hang it up.


The wording doesn't make any sense here.

P3: David sounds like a horrible psychiatrist. Let's get those drugs in ya and get out of my office. Now I'm even more curious on how he'll handle that mob boss from the logline.

P4: You haven't introduced Randy.

P5: Why is Tommy in a prison jumpsuit? He hasn't been convicted yet..


Quoted Text
He notices something, though: there�s a �Merry Christmas�
sticker taped to the end of a light bulb, which does not look
like it came off of a police car, but rather a regular house
lamp.


You're being overdescriptive here. We know there are no merry christmas stickers on police cars. "He notices a "Merry Christmas" sticket taped to the end of a light bulb." will do.

P6: Juror 8 turns into "Juror" for one line of dialogue. Also do we really except to believe that Ed is bribing off a juror in the courtroom with 100 DOLLARS?

P9: I don't necessarily buy a judge wouldn't put him in jail just because he'd make more lowlife connections there.

P11: Hmm. I'm not buying Randy anymore. If Tommy ended up being such a lowlife why was Randy sucking up to him and thanking him for the opportunity? I doubt Tommy would have had anything to do with Randy getting that job.

P15: I just don't believe a casino manager would say that. Sounds incredibly unrealistic, maybe you could just have a regular or a barman in there to establish his gambling addiction a bit more realistically. Staff can't really just go around talking to their clients like that.

P16: Do casinos really do debts?

P17: Once again, the close up isn't necessary.

P28: You're missing a mini-slug. If the location changes you need to establish it as a scene.

They both walk into the...

LIVING ROOM

.. and sit opposite to eachother.

P29:
Quoted Text
RAY
Hm. Well, ain�t that a son of a
bitch.

David smiles at Ray again.

RAY (CONT�D)
Doctor - Patient confidentiality,
huh?

David nods.

RAY (CONT�D)
You know, this man is hurting the
society. Real bad, n� all.

You know, this man is hurting the society. Real bad, n'all.
Ahhhhh. He's an FBI agent. The dialogue is ridicilous.

Stopping here right now.

Overall: Your formatting is good and so are your action lines and overall feel of a written script. But your story, characters and dialogue need work. There are lots of typos wandering around too.

Your characters sound and act stupid. David's a horrible psychiatrist and it doesn't seem as entertaining as it did up to page 3. It's just as hard to buy Ray as an FBI agent, Ed as a mob boss and the casino manager as a manager.

If Ed's a big shot monitored by FBI why is he bribing a juror in a courtroom for 100 dollars..? Also why's he trusting Tommy, who's completely daft with such assignments especially if a judge is aware of their connection already?

Why did the FBI have so much problems getting Tommy's full name if the judge knew of his connection with Ed already?

I haven't read forward, but I'm also not sure this falls under the FBI's juristiction. So far it looks like something for the police drug squad. I'm also quite puzzled why this is set in the 1970s based on the first 30.

This doesn't seem like a thriller either. There's no sense of danger on the first 30 pages. I'm far from the edge of my seat. A drama seems like a better fit at the moment.

Sorry I couldn't say anything more positive, but I hope this is of some help.

- DS
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Dustin
Posted: September 8th, 2014, 10:37am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder than dialogue.

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I found the action to be fine, but when I got to the dialogue I was turned off instantly. He doesn't sound like a psychiatrist.
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Emanuel
Posted: September 8th, 2014, 11:43am Report to Moderator
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Now reading again, I kind of agree on some points.

A few things though:

- I'm no M.D., but I do know a little bit about the medical practice and with a patient like Estelle, maybe he'd be a little more smart, but in the 70's they would bomb her on medication and send her to insulin shock therapy.

- I know what you're thinking, but most shrinks don't sound all wise, smart and calm. They have more personality than in the movies. But, I don't really want David to be that good a doctor either, that's a bit of why he would disgrace his profession for money.

- Ray could be an FBI agent. Maybe a little more polite around David but his dialogue just shows that he isn't from New York, somewhere in the south maybe.

-It has to take place in the 70s because a lot of these meds were discontinued after the 70s, especially the quaalude which was the big one.

-I will make Tommy smarter but not to spoil it, but Ed gets tired of Tommy later in.

Thanks for the help, though. Hopefully i'll get more positive reviews later in.


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Revision History (1 edits)
Emanuel  -  September 8th, 2014, 11:58am
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JohnW
Posted: September 10th, 2014, 6:21am Report to Moderator
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Hi Emanuel
Started reading your script and thought.... the dialogue ain't brilliant but I'll keep going.
So I kept going, until I got to page 4 and read
                              
                                   Policeman
                   You don't got one of those machines that you ride through
                    that wipes the car off for ya.
Emanuel, is this some kind of sick joke, a policeman speaking like that.
I've talked to drunk five year olds who can speak better than that.
Seriously my son that is not right, not in a million years.
Gotta go
john w
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Emanuel
Posted: September 10th, 2014, 6:52am Report to Moderator
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What? Why is that so bad? I've heard of cops in the 70s throw rocks at school busses full of kids other than their race. He's just asking if they have a car wash machine.


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Dustin
Posted: September 10th, 2014, 7:16am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder than dialogue.

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I'd believe it from a police officer. My only issue was the psychiatrist. I think John W is a little butt hurt after your review of his script. He's young.

I'll try and have another look at this script if I get some time today.
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Emanuel
Posted: September 12th, 2014, 11:35am Report to Moderator
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Ok, but give it a bit more of a chance if you do. I will fix what the comments above said


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