A read as promised.
Logline: A psychiatrist during the 1970s finds himself selling prescriptions to a vicious mob boss while being hunted down by an FBI agent.
I think you could word this better. During the 1970s a psychiatrist....
First thing that stood out were the capitalised character names. Not going to shout about that, it looks pretty good to me. Might be off-putting to some though. Interesting style.
P1: "CLOSE ON a poster hanging in the corner. It is an
advertisement for the antipsychotic Thorazine that says ï¿½When
the patient lashes out at ï¿½themï¿½ - THORAZINEï¿½ quickly puts
and end to his violent outburst.ï¿½
I don't think you necessarily need the close on. It seems pretty obvious that it needs attention from the camera. You could also make this paragraph a lot more concise and save two lines.
An advertisement with the text "When the patient lashes out at "them" - THORAZINE quickly puts an end to his violent outburst." hangs in the corner.
Typo too. And instead of An.
I uh, sent my degree into fix the
frame and I tripped when I was
going to hang it up.
The wording doesn't make any sense here.
P3: David sounds like a horrible psychiatrist. Let's get those drugs in ya and get out of my office. Now I'm even more curious on how he'll handle that mob boss from the logline.
P4: You haven't introduced Randy.
P5: Why is Tommy in a prison jumpsuit? He hasn't been convicted yet..
He notices something, though: thereï¿½s a ï¿½Merry Christmasï¿½
sticker taped to the end of a light bulb, which does not look
like it came off of a police car, but rather a regular house
You're being overdescriptive here. We know there are no merry christmas stickers on police cars. "He notices a "Merry Christmas" sticket taped to the end of a light bulb." will do.
P6: Juror 8 turns into "Juror" for one line of dialogue. Also do we really except to believe that Ed is bribing off a juror in the courtroom with 100 DOLLARS?
P9: I don't necessarily buy a judge wouldn't put him in jail just because he'd make more lowlife connections there.
P11: Hmm. I'm not buying Randy anymore. If Tommy ended up being such a lowlife why was Randy sucking up to him and thanking him for the opportunity? I doubt Tommy would have had anything to do with Randy getting that job.
P15: I just don't believe a casino manager would say that. Sounds incredibly unrealistic, maybe you could just have a regular or a barman in there to establish his gambling addiction a bit more realistically. Staff can't really just go around talking to their clients like that.
P16: Do casinos really do debts?
P17: Once again, the close up isn't necessary.
P28: You're missing a mini-slug. If the location changes you need to establish it as a scene.
They both walk into the...
.. and sit opposite to eachother.
Hm. Well, ainï¿½t that a son of a
David smiles at Ray again.
Doctor - Patient confidentiality,
You know, this man is hurting the
society. Real bad, nï¿½ all.
You know, this man is hurting the society. Real bad, n'all.
Ahhhhh. He's an FBI agent. The dialogue is ridicilous.
Stopping here right now.
Overall: Your formatting is good and so are your action lines and overall feel of a written script. But your story, characters and dialogue need work. There are lots of typos wandering around too.
Your characters sound and act stupid. David's a horrible psychiatrist and it doesn't seem as entertaining as it did up to page 3. It's just as hard to buy Ray as an FBI agent, Ed as a mob boss and the casino manager as a manager.
If Ed's a big shot monitored by FBI why is he bribing a juror in a courtroom for 100 dollars..? Also why's he trusting Tommy, who's completely daft with such assignments especially if a judge is aware of their connection already?
Why did the FBI have so much problems getting Tommy's full name if the judge knew of his connection with Ed already?
I haven't read forward, but I'm also not sure this falls under the FBI's juristiction. So far it looks like something for the police drug squad. I'm also quite puzzled why this is set in the 1970s based on the first 30.
This doesn't seem like a thriller either. There's no sense of danger on the first 30 pages. I'm far from the edge of my seat. A drama seems like a better fit at the moment.
Sorry I couldn't say anything more positive, but I hope this is of some help.