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iNfectious by Glenn Doyle (IamGlenn) - Short, Sci Fi - In a world obsessed with technology, news of a self altering virus spreads quickly. 9 pages - pdf, format
Hey Glenn. I read the entire script and am not sure what to make of it or how to comment.
Not sure if this is meant to be serious, a comedy, or some sort of odd social commentary, but for me...it's rather odd and has a very strange flow and structure.
It's hard to say there's a main Protrag. There are so many characters intro'd, it's quite amazing, really. But the real problem in this regard is that so few even matter.
Hard to say there's much of a story or plot here, also, as this just meanders along and has so many completely throw away scenes and even whole pages.
Writing-wise, lots of mistakes, awkward phrasings, and some terrible grammar (especially in terms of how the "News Anchors" speak).
I will be interested to see what others have to say, but for me, this does not work in any other way than being a very strange read.
Hope this doesn't come across as too harsh, just letting you know my feelings.
Hi Glenn, This was a fun read. I thought this was going to be about a zombie apocalypse that nobody nowtices because they're on thier phones at first but the twist suprised me. A nice satire on the current disconect technology produces today. I'm horrible with grammer and spelling so listen to others on that but in all it was a cute story. Keep up the good work!
On my phone, so apologies for the less than adequate response.
First of all, thanks Don for getting this up. As always, appreciate it.
Dreamscale, Thanks for taking a look and taking the time to give feedback. I suppose what I was trying to do here was a spoof on modern society and their addiction to various gadgets. As you pointed out, the lack of a protagonist is a problem. I tried to make Lisa that, but I think she lacks any depth. I was just trying to get across the fear mongering that goes on through the media and the characters involved probably suffered. If you don't mind could you elaborate on what you mean by bad grammar from the news anchors. As for awkward phrasing, that's something that seems to seep in quite often. Gotta work on that. Not too harsh at all. All feedback is needed and I appreciate it. Cheers.
Logan, Glad you enjoyed it and nice to see the end took you somewhere you weren't expecting it too. Appreciate the read and feedback. Cheers.
first off, a tiny nitpick: (sorry if it's been said before, I didn't read the other posts yet):
p5:
Quoted Text
She comes to the homeless man again, whos is now asleep,
Lose the 's' at whos
Now about the script/story (spoiler warning)
About the script, I read it twice, completely, but I feel something is wrong with it. This is a story from Lisa's point of view, but she is only introduced after various people in the bus which don't matter any more in the rest of the story. I'd start out with Lisa's girl chat right away and scrap the rest here, because it's just confusing.
With the story, I'm not sure if this is meant to be serious or if it's trying to be a comedy. I think it fails in both ways. because the premise, a 'smiling virus', is too off for a serious approach and rather fits into a comedy plot. On the other hand, the story doesn't come across as being funny, there are no gags/jokes or funny moments. So I'm a bit confused here.
I think you should decide on what you want to focus in this script. Lisa and all the other people are fiddling around with some cell phone, computer, tables or whatever, so if that's the core of your story, you should build the plot and climax around that. Like try the 'all these internet freak find it hard to find a partner' as a premise and then Lisa bumping into Sam while playing in the internet on her phone hooks them up (just for example),
Or if it's the silly 'smiling virus' you like to focus on, add some funny elements to the script, like Lisa's boss catching the flu from a co-worker and he can't stop smiling any more, or something else which is funny (comedy is not my thing, so I'll fail miserably trying to make up good examples here).
As it is now, I think there are different topics mixed up in the script and none of them is clearly brought to an end.
Just my opinion as always, hope it helps in any way, good luck with it!
Minor Pg 1: Every single person -> Everyone (omit needless words) Pg 1: "...on a seat..." is implied because she's sitting. Pg 1: Her handbag is a smartphone? Why is her handbag important? And how do we know she is on Facebook? Should we have an INSET or ON SCREEN slugline? Pg 1: "She chuckles...fashion" is really prolix and repetitive. Pg 1: Not sure how we can see their displays. Pg 1: Cool, we finally have a INSET: TABLET. To whom does this belong? Pg 1: Last comment on prolixities because it's in virtually every sentence: The FEMALE NEWS ANCHORS are crisper in their on-screen performance. Pg 2: An INSET slugline on Lisa's phone may help here. Pg 3: The first two sentences can be expressed more economically. This is true in many other places. Bottom Pg 4: whos -> who's (I believe you commented on this exact thing in another thread this morning, no?) Pg 5: it's -> its contents Pg 5: let's -> lets out Pg 6: Her boss is a jerk and they laugh? Odd reaction. Pg 7: EXT. WOODS - CONTIMUOUS (M -> N)
Major So two people walking in the park needs viewer discretion? I suspect your commentary is that people don't conversate enough? They look at their mobile devices rather than at fellow humans? If so, not sure you made you point clearly enough.
Thorsten, Cheers for taking a look. Thanks for spotting the "whos is". One of the many benefits of this place. I opened with the people on the crowded bus to show how society is. Each zoned into their devices. I could probably rework it though. I suppose it's a comedy. Not a knee slapper though. A look at how society could become. Well an exaggerated look. Something I find funny. Looks like it's something you don't. Well, how it's written at the moment anyway. The "smiling virus" is just what this society call it. It's really just people interacting face to face. The virus isn't an actual virus. I'll try clear things up anyway. Thanks.
Thorsten, Cheers for taking a look. Thanks for spotting the "whos is". One of the many benefits of this place. I opened with the people on the crowded bus to show how society is. Each zoned into their devices. I could probably rework it though. I suppose it's a comedy. Not a knee slapper though. A look at how society could become. Well an exaggerated look. Something I find funny. Looks like it's something you don't. Well, how it's written at the moment anyway. The "smiling virus" is just what this society call it. It's really just people interacting face to face. The virus isn't an actual virus. I'll try clear things up anyway. Thanks.
Hey glenn,
I do like your writing, it's clear and unfussy which makes it easier for me to understand what's going on compared to scripts which use wicked works all the time. If I need to google up more than one word on a page, I'm out.
Just felt like in this one no theme sticked out to be specific enough.
RKeller, 1)Yep, you're right. 2)Again, yep. 3)Yeah an INSET would make it clearer. 4)Noted 5)I think you know how we would see the displays but I'll put an inset to make it clearer. 6)I said the Tall Man is watching the video on a tablet. It belongs to him. 7)Sorry, what do you mean? I agree. 9)I'll take a look. Thanks. 10)I don't believe I did, no. But thanks. 11)Thanks 12)Thanks 13)Maybe, I'll think a bit more about it. 14)Thanks.
Yep, that's what I was trying to get across. Maybe I've got to try harder.